I'm a Humorless Prick and this Made Me Laugh

by John Morgan on Oct 29, 2008 9:37 AM PDT

How does Russell do it? Well, how would YOU do it if you were too slow and too weak to stop any play on the field? Your only hope to make up for, say, a 29-yard Frank Gore run after you accidentally set a pick on a teammate (that actually happened on Sunday) is to be a huge enough asshole — just come off as a total bitch of a man, a weakling with a big mouth — that larger, faster, and more talented players lose their cool and rightfully smack your stupid bitch face.

Russell is the mutated Nth stage of Tim Ruskell's philosophy. All grit, savvy and leadership but no talent. Like a high school coach or waterboy. I figure every team has its Brian Russell. Let's see if we can make a team.

I nominate Brian Leonard, recently IRed fullback for Saint Louis. Leonard is a man without a position or possession of NFL talent. He's a stiff, slow running back or a small, weak and fragile fullback--depending how you'd like to squander that second round pick.

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I nominate Isaac Bruce

And let me make myself clear: I’m nominating Isaac Bruce of today, the veteran leader with marginal talent left, and of course not the Isaac Bruce from the late 90s where he was tearin shit up.

by SeaTownBlueDevil on Oct 29, 2008 10:50 AM PDT reply actions

I wish we had Isaac Bruce man.

He is better than anyone we have.

by michaelfox99 on Oct 29, 2008 12:28 PM PDT up reply actions

I nominate Brett "worse than Chad Pennington" Favre

by John Morgan on Oct 29, 2008 11:03 AM PDT reply actions

I nominate Carlos Silva.

OK, wrong sport, wrong blog . . . . but still.

by FlaskInSafeco on Oct 29, 2008 11:18 AM PDT up reply actions

Amen

The whole “gunslinger” thing is only okay when you have a modicum of accuracy…then again, Pennington had plenty of accuracy, he just wasn’t a gunslinger. He wasn’t even a rubber-band slinger.

by SeaTownBlueDevil on Oct 29, 2008 1:29 PM PDT up reply actions

Backed-up by Jon Kitna

by jteckmann on Oct 29, 2008 3:53 PM PDT up reply actions

The back-up is clearly Gibril Hamdan.

by marc w on Oct 30, 2008 11:24 AM PDT up reply actions

Too bad Ed McCaffery isn't playing anymore.

Every day I hear about Seattle sports' failures. Every night I fall asleep to the sound of my own tears.

by Benne on Oct 29, 2008 11:45 AM PDT reply actions

No damn way.

I was, sadly, a Bronco fan back in the days when the Donkeys were lighting it up… and McCafferey was the MAN. Made tons of big catches, even downfield, blocked like a MoFo.

Just because he’s white and slow doesn’t make him Russell.

by djafrot on Oct 29, 2008 11:50 AM PDT up reply actions

I agree

The man had a couple of great 1000 yard seasons playing as the No. 2 receiver behind Rod Smith…he may not have had the talents of Randy Moss, but he was still talented – as a possesion receiver

by SeaTownBlueDevil on Oct 29, 2008 1:32 PM PDT up reply actions

Roy Williams, DB, Dallas

Arguably voted to 100% more Pro-Bowls than deserving of. A highly overrated player taken with the 8th overall pick in 2002, he can’t cover and I don’t know of a Saftey (includes Brian Russell) worse at such an imperative trait required by the position he plays. He is a one-trick pony who can lay a hit, but not much else. According to PFP ‘08, teams created plays to isolate anybody against him in coverage, including players such a Brent Celek. (Who? Yes, anybody.) Dallas ranked 30th in DVOA vs. TEs last season, in large due to Williams’ virtually non-existent ability to cover.

I later found this fact:
Williams was named to the 2007 All Keep Choppin’ Wood Team by Football Outsiders6, an anti-Pro Bowl team consisting of the players who hurt their teams the most in 2007.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Horsecollar

Note his wiki URL… :)

by Misfit74 on Oct 29, 2008 12:43 PM PDT reply actions

This is so, so true.

Roy Williams is an awful, awful safety who is regarded as a great player. Bizarre.

by marc w on Oct 30, 2008 11:25 AM PDT up reply actions

My nominations for the offensive line:

T – Jon Runyan – PHI
G – Richie Incognito – STL
C – Kevin Mawae – TEN
G – Robert Gallery – OAK
T – Sean Locklear – SEA

I’m sure someone else has better ideas than Locklear and Gallery, but that’s the best I could come up with off the top of my head.

by PascoJoe on Oct 29, 2008 1:35 PM PDT reply actions

Does Gallery even fit?

Yeah, he’s talentless, but does he show “All grit, savvy and leadership”? I’ve never heard of him being a hard worker, or a good teammate or anything of the sort.

by SeaTownBlueDevil on Oct 29, 2008 2:53 PM PDT up reply actions

Have at it

If you can think of a replacement.

Maybe go with Jeff Saturday at center and bump Mawae over to Gallery’s spot?

by PascoJoe on Oct 29, 2008 3:08 PM PDT reply actions

Mawae and Saturday?

Why?

by John Morgan on Oct 29, 2008 3:46 PM PDT up reply actions

Mawae

Mawae has always seemed like he’s got a lot more bark than bite to me. Saturday seems like he is only good because of the system in Indy, but I’ve been wrong lots of times before so if you can think of other centers or guards in the Robbie Tobeck and Chris Gray mold, have at it.

by PascoJoe on Oct 29, 2008 7:48 PM PDT up reply actions

Brian Russell's partner in crime

Has to be Kevin Kaesviharn. Has to be.

by jteckmann on Oct 29, 2008 3:51 PM PDT reply actions

Does Kerry Collins belong on this list?

by Phil Hatzenbuehler on Oct 29, 2008 4:07 PM PDT reply actions

I think he's starting by default.

So…eh.

Chris Gray belonged on here last season. I don’t know every NFL team, so this is kind of difficult. Laurence Maroney is the talentless first round pick subspecies. Otherwise, I think we’re looking at players seen as leaders, but who can’t play football.

by John Morgan on Oct 29, 2008 4:26 PM PDT up reply actions

Is Maroney really talentless?

He seems like he’d fit more in the “doesn’t know how to use his talent” list.

by Nate Dogg on Oct 29, 2008 4:30 PM PDT up reply actions

I don't know.

If we’re talking football talent, knowing how to use it seems pretty essential. I mean, he’s a running back, the learning curve isn’t steep.

by John Morgan on Oct 29, 2008 5:23 PM PDT up reply actions

Reed Daughty and Brian Russell as the safety combo

Chuck Darby for DT

by MFAN on Oct 29, 2008 4:29 PM PDT reply actions

Adam Archuleta belongs at safety on this team.

by PascoJoe on Oct 29, 2008 7:49 PM PDT up reply actions

That is

as long as actually making a roster in the current year isn’t a prerequisite.

by PascoJoe on Oct 29, 2008 7:58 PM PDT up reply actions

Hell yeah

I’m willing to skimp on the rules if Archuleta makes the team…He and B-Russ are equally terrible…or equally amazing

by SeaTownBlueDevil on Oct 30, 2008 4:03 AM PDT up reply actions

Amani Toomer has to take one of the wide out spots

That guy hasn’t been talented in years.

by Nate Dogg on Oct 29, 2008 4:35 PM PDT reply actions

Seriously, Wes Welker.

Want to get ESPN’s attention? It’s simple: be white, small, look like you’re hustling a lot, and run nothing but 5-yard drag routes while the rest of the defense is focused on Randy Moss. Oh, and when you catch the ball, stutter a litle then sit down before a LB pummels you.

Every day I hear about Seattle sports' failures. Every night I fall asleep to the sound of my own tears.

by Benne on Oct 29, 2008 4:47 PM PDT reply actions