When news sorta happens, Stencil is steady at the ready to sorta provide content.

Seattle Seahawks Starting Cornerback Named City University of Seattle Spokesperson

In which we learn Kelly Jennings is a "true advocate for education". No montebanks here, bucko.

Drafted by the Seahawks with the 31^st selection in the first round of the 2006 NFL draft, Jennings holds two degrees in Finance and Business Management from the University of Miami. “I am honored that CityU has asked me to speak on behalf of the importance of higher education,” comments Seattle Seahawks cornerback, Kelly Jennings. “Education has always been a priority for me, and I truly value the significance of it. The 2008 Seahawks Undergrad Scholarship is just another example of how the university and the Seahawks both have a strong commitment to helping others advance their career goals.”

Jennings is learn-ned. But really, in a league where the word "smart" is applied to any buckethead who knows where he is at halftime, it's cool having a double major manning the left. Right? Right? My favorite part of this scholarship, it's awarded to "an individual who exemplifies a strong need for career advancement". That was old Stencil 5 years ago when he was scraping the brine from fry baskets. Except replace "5" with "0", and "fry baskets" with "cadavers".

Family Matt-ers

Rejected headlines include: S-Matt-ers of Lovin', Auto-Matt-ic for the Father and the ever popular, Canon Rebel: Exclusively Marketed by Bald Athletes. Matt Hasselbeck, beloved signal caller for our beloved Seattle Seahawks will appear with his beloved daughters, Mallory and Annabelle, in this cross-promotional sweepstakes extravaganza. No cannibalism required - We think.

Wait, NFL Crocs? Ewww...

NFC Team Report: Safeties

There, Sporting News, I saved you from yourself. The original title: NFC Team Report: Focus on Safeties. As if the "Focus on" wasn't implied. I couldn't save ya from your own lunatic ravings though. This is where a warped perspective on quality meets slapdash:

Thrill to Dallas's second ranking, despite "Roy Williams is physical but was a liability in coverage in '07." Good thing Williams plays the strong side turn and cough position and not defensive back, or one might be inclined to value "coverage" over "physical".

Chill to the similes: "like an extra linebacker." Ooh, that sounds good. The precise adjectives "smart", "hard", "fierce", "sticky"! The depth of analysis "Backup Jordan Babineaux makes plays."

...and Will yourself  from gouging out your eyes reading the print arm of the Braindead Megaphone.