1.) New England Patriots – Enormous draft, amazing talent, the return of Tom Brady, and a coach that will probably go down as one of the greatest all-time. I don’t play this **** where winning the Super Bowl last year means you’re the best team next year. Schedules change, injuries change, etc. change, and I think the Patriots are going in as the most dominant team in the NFL from the past decade if you want to throw old seasons at me.

2.) Pittsburgh Steelers – But I can’t be that rude to the team who won the Super Bowl last year, having all of their starters pretty much. I don’t see their offensive line improving, and I really think a weak AFC playoffs slid them in with playing an injured Chargers team and an inexperienced Ravens team. As though Flacco is actually a half-decent QB at this point.

3.) New York Giants – Speaking of half-decent, HEY! There’s the Giants. I can’t knock them much, though, because they have tried to fix their WR problem and star defensive player Osi Uymandinkidinki is coming back to supply this team with a strong rotation of defenders. The question is still this: Was Eli a stillborn?

4.) San Diego Chargers – If I’m going to get up at arms about the Giants getting Umenyiora back, then I might as well get on the Chargers’ jock for getting Merriman back, steroids and all. The Chargers are an elite team with an aging RB, but Rivers has shown he can throw the ball and throw it efficiently (with the best receiving TE in the league and a decent tandem of WRs). Look for a piece of shit division to slide the Chargers into at least an 11-5 record, regardless of who is running the ball.

5.) Baltimore Ravens – Sure I give Flacco shit, but come on. They get to play the Browns and Bengals twice each. I see them going to the wildcard again this season and I definitely think that a second year will help Flacco out. The defense is as beastly as ever, and they got out with only losing Bart Starr and Jim “Brian Russell 2.0” Leonhard, who the Jets very heavily overpaid for. Good job, Rex Ryan.

6.) Tennessee Titans – Sure they lost Haynesworth, but when they didn’t have him they still managed to play well. They are a deep team on defense and one of the most dangerous rushing attacks in the league. Unfortunately, their division is very tough. Fortunately, I think they are still the most talented team in the bunch.

7.) Philadelphia Eagles – I LAUGH at people having this team in the top 5, but the Eagles are definitely talented and they might surprise me too. I don’t know how their WRs are going to pan out because who knows what you might get from the draft with drafting star receivers (see: Lions, Cardinals), but this division is hard and the usual annual injuries from Worstbrook and Moonwalk McNabb will prove fatal.

8.) Carolina Panthers – Blah blah blah, I heart Jonathan Stewart. Sorry folks, but his thunderous thighs will soon take DeAngelo Williams’ starting job soon. Anyway, the Panthers retain all their starters except for Ken Lucas, and quite frankly anyone who gets beat down by someone else on their team that badly should step away Fierce People style. The Panthers are in a tough division, and their record (along with the NFC South as a whole) won’t look pretty, but this is definitely an impressive team that bolsters one of the best offensive lines in the league and a guy who does Bojangles commercials. I had them 8 last year, and they went 12-4, so I’m not being stupid here.

9.) Atlanta Falcons – Perhaps call it my 8b, the Falcons have gained the greatest TE of all time and although their defense looks mediocre to bad, they had a pretty decent draft and Matt Ryan still won’t have to throw the ball much. If Michael Turner proves he can carry the full load again for a second season, this team will be dangerous in the playoffs and maybe beyond.

10.) Indianapolis Colts – Peyton Manning has a really big forehead. Couple that with how mediocre they looked last season in comparison to years past, and I think we’re looking at the decline of an era. A lot of coaches have left, and I think this team will experience the boom of the AFC South amassing so many draft picks from getting their asses kicked in years past.

11.) Minnesota Vikings – Talk about having an easy schedule this year. No really, talk about it, because I’m sure the Vikings will be. Grats. The division is closer than everyone thinks, though, and they are up here pretty high because of ADP and a defensive line not to be scoffed at. Oh, and their TE has a huge ____.

12.) Green Bay Packers – Call it my 11b, the Packers will not be as injured this year. They’re under the Vikings because they are changing defensive schemes, but their draft was good in the first round (because who really watches the Packers draft after the first round, the chap who runs Acme Packing Company and maybe Brett Favre? Rodgers is the real deal because he has two pretty damn good WRs.

13.) Seattle Seahawks – The Cardinals could barely win a division that they were so destined to just take. Now that the Seahawks will be healthy and added what some, not including me, consider the best player in the draft this year, the Seahawks will prove why they went to the Super Bowl a few seasons ago. And the Cardinals will remind everyone why Phoenix will never see one again, barring the stadium actually hosting the Super Bowl game again.

14.) Arizona Cardinals – “DUDE, THIS TEAM WAS IN THE SUPER BOWL LAST YEAR. THEY HAVE AN IMPROVING DEFENSE FEATURING BROTHER-CROMARTIE, THEY HAVE FITZ THE BESTEST WR OF ALL TIME, AND BOLDIN SUCKS. COME ON!!!!” lol que? Harder schedule, Warner hasn’t really played two full seasons in forever, and if the Arizona Cardinals WRs are anything like seasons past, they will miss games. Maybe a wild card, but only because of how bad the bottom feeders in the division are. Cheap wins. Then again, they couldn’t beat the 49ers.

15.) Washington Redskins – If Jason Campbell can prove that his ability to learn a different playbook every year will eventually give him Super Sayian powers, I will move the Skins up. Portis is great, the defense is great on paper, but who knows with their passing attack. They could actually take this division, considering their acquisitions and—Oh wait, LOLSKINS!

16.) Dallas Cowboys – While I am certainly not calling this team the bottom-feeder of the NFC East this season, I am punishing all Cowboy fans from trying to be smug on my power ranking. You got rid of Terrell Owens. What the fuck? I picked this team to go to the Super Bowl last year. Now that they don’t have one of the greatest WRs of all time, I am most certainly more inclined to expect Jason Garrett to ruin another season with the aid of Wade Phailips, Patrick Crayton, Bobby Carpenter and co. I don’t see a division crown, but I can easily see a wildcard grab, whether I have them ranked 4th in NFC East teams or not. This shit shifts, yo.

17.) Jacksonville Jaguars – Not wanting to put them at the bottom of the division because of injuries, this team gained two awesome OL players from the draft and their other starters will be healthy. Mix that in with Torry BIG GAME Holt and a defense that bolsters a decent secondary and some good LBs and what you have here is a team that can remind the league why they threatened to give the Patriots their first loss of the season in the playoffs two years ago. Jones-Drew is a beast and should be taken in all fantasy formats, and most important, David Garrard’s wife is a babe.

18.) Buffalo Bills – As their team gets older, so does their capabilities. Injuries ruin this team every season, as does suspensions (Lynch). Maybe a healthy dose of T.O. will make this team kick some major ass, but I don’t see them being anything more than a team that crosses its fingers for an unlikely wild card spot. They have a lot of talent, I just don’t know if it will ever show up on paper.

19.) Houston Texans – A lot of talent, but this team has never really had a winning record before. So I’m not going to jump on their jock. Slaton’s great, but considering past Texans RBs, I expect an injury this year. Andre Johnson is awesome, but Schaub has never really seen an entire season. Well, he did in Atlanta. On the bench. Asking why Vick visits so many animal shelters. That Michael Vick, such a good guy.

20.) Chicago Bears – Yeah you got Jay Cutler, and yeah I think Cutler is an elite QB in the NFL, and yeah you guys have Forte and a solid defense, but—Well, shit, why are you guys so low? Oh well. Not enough Bear bandwagon fans to argue with. If I still think the Vikings and Packers are more complete as a team, then you can’t sniff the top 15. But the Bears will probably surprise a lot of people (including myself), or Cutler will end up crying.

21.) New Orleans Saints – Awesome offense. Horrible defense. Reggie Bust. Come on, what more can I say? Their WRs are dinged up and they will continue to receive that treatment. Drew Brees’ birthmark stings my soul, but oh well. The Saints will need to show that their defense is actually worth a damn this season, or that their offense can outscore the amount of points their defense will give up. Jenkins is a huge upgrade to anything they had in the secondary, but as Champ Bailey proves, one good defensive back doesn’t mean jack shit. Still a good team that will probably tease 8-8 or more again, and even usurp the Panthers or Falcons.

22.) Miami Dolphins – It’s either them or the Bills, and while the Bills have a lot of youthful talent mixed with pro bowler quality, the Dolphins have quietly amassed a pretty good team behind Ronnie Brown. Now, if Brown can stay healthy and prove that he can carry any load (ew gross), then the sky is the limit. I’ve been proven wrong before with this team, so putting them here gives something for indignant Dolphins fans to bitch about for a while.

23.) Cincinnati Bengals – Chad Ochocinco is still one of the top ten WRs in the league, and everyone is going to remember that when/if Palmer is healthy and when/if he can get some GOD DAMN PROTECTION. According to some bitter Bengals fans, Housh was nothing more than a product of Chad’s prodiguous skill and drawn double coverage, so don’t think they’ve lost that much (plus they got that guy with the super thick accent, Coles). Remember how good Travis Henry was? Just another guy getting soft coverage because of the other guys. Benson looked alright and they drafted decently. I love Andre Smith

24.) New York Jets – HI-LARIOUS how people give this team an A for their draft, when all they did was get 3 players. One of which was a QB. Hello? A QB wasn’t your problem last year, and with Brady back, your problem is going to be that your team is young, your RB isn’t getting his money, Crotch (heh pun) is your only real WR, and Sanchez isn’t the answer after one season in college. Sweet. Hopefully we can watch D’BRICKASHAW do his thing for another year before becoming a karate-master tight end or something with that abundance of excess athleticism.

25.) San Francisco 49ers – Forcing fumbles, having a top 5 RB, and having the greatest blocking TE the league has ever seen definitely deserves the 25 spot, whether it’s Shaun “No one knows who the fuck I am” Hill or Alex “Baby Hands” Smith throwing the ball around.

26.) Kansas City Chiefs – At least they get to play the Raiders twice. Watch for Tyler Thigpen to flex on the sidelines, reminding the Chiefs what it felt like to win last year as they go out with benchwarmer Matt “Surrender The” Cassel.

27.) Denver Broncos – Not even Kyle ‘GOD’ Orton can save you now.

28.) Cleveland Browns – New staff, same old staph. Mangina is worthless.

29.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Is Freeman seriously going to start? Surely not Byron Sandwich? I can go to the kitchen and to reload on snacks by the time he winds up and throws. Oh,wait, one of the McCowns. Alrighty then. One of the harder schedules in the league, the Bucs went from almost taking the NFC South last season before their run-defense looked like the Lions to almost taking a top 3 pick in the draft next year.

30.) Oakland Raiders – Did you see the bling that JaLardass Russell wears? A diamond encrusted jewel that looks like his jersey? He wears it so he can remember the team he plays for. Directions are written on the back, and it’s also good for people to know who to call when he stays out too late. The guy is a nobody in the NFL right now, but he has a pretty fat contract for being a fat nobody. Alex Smith 2.0? At least his hands are at least bigger than a 12 year old girl’s, and the Raiders can always move him to DT if the whole signal-caller thing doesn’t work out.

31.) St. Louis Rams – I secretly have this team teasing 5-6 wins, but I won’t be an ass about it and make people argue with me. I remember my Browns pick last year, and it still hurts my kidneys. They also have a coach named Dick Curl, which I thought was worth mentioning.

32.) Detroit Lions – How DARE you pass up the feel-good prospect of the decade?! Michael Oher is not amused, but then I suppose he entered the draft to escape poverty, not return to it. No offense to any Ford workers, you true Americans you.

Shaun "No one knows who the fuck I am" Hill

The Saints are pretty much my offseason darling, this year. I see them competing for the #1 seed. As a favorite. I guess they’re no one’s favorites right now, but I mean leading the race. They were so incredibly decimated by injuries, and nearly all key defensive players. Sed Ellis, Charles Grant, Will Smith, are the makings of a pretty good D line. Vilma, Roman Harper is a good young safety, they have some good pieces. If Rod Coleman and Darren Sharper have anything left, they could be above average actually.

The QB, the left tackle Brown, RG Jahri Evans, some of the best in the game. Lot of skill position physical talent, that they somehow make hay with, I would be surprised for them not to have a winning season. The injuries have to regress to the mean.

That’s pretty harsh. The 3-4 is kind of an odd move, Tyson Jackson I dunno if he contributes right away, they sorely need pass rush. But they have a lot of good pieces, and I’m sold on Cassell.

I think the Dawkins loss is big.

I don’t wish to argue since it’s always a crapshoot at this point, but I enjoyed reading your reasons why. I will say that the Chargers are usually ranked higher then they end up being. So much potential, so little fulfillment. But I can’t argue, since Denver is bent on tearing its own team apart, there really is no one else in that division worth a hoot.

Also

Blah blah blah, I heart Jonathan Stewart. Sorry folks, but his thunderous thighs will soon take DeAngelo Williams’ starting job soon

Is this just mancrush speaking or is there any logic behind it? It’s certainly the first time I’ve heard someone confidentially state a 26 year old RB coming of a 1500 y 20 TD season is on the edge of losing his job.

That was a fun read.