If Brett Favre Were on Twitter (Updated)

2/11/2009, 12:00pm: Told the Jets I was done. I'm officially retired for good. Thanks to all the fans for their support...

2/14/2009, 2:00pm: Got my Burpee seed catalog today. Gonna plant some serious vegetation this off-season. Retirement's great.

2/15/2009, 2:00pm: Got my Burpee seed catalog today. Gonna plant some serious vegetation this off-season. Retirement's great.

2/21/2009, 5:48pm: Went to the Combine. Just to offer advice, if asked. Retired people are often asked to consult. Wanted to be available.

2/21/2009, 6:09pm: I can seriously still outhrow half those guys at the Combine. If I wanted to. But I don't, no sir. Not much.

2/23/2009, 1:32pm: Right on! Seeds showed up in the mail! Heirloom veggies are all gonna be my bitches this year. I love retirement.

3/2/2009, 11:13am: Growing eggplants in the greenhouse. Not much action yet. But I can wait, I got all the time in the world. I'm retizzled, my nizzle.

3/15/2009, 5:18pm: Question: Are eggplants supposed to have kernels? Just wondering.

3/27/2009, 6:23am: Never mind about the eggplants. Probably should find another hobby. Thankfully, a man in my retired position can afford to do that.

3/31/2009, 11:44am: Painting landscapes now. I did one of the Smoky Mountains. Not-half bad.

3/31/2009, 1:39pm: Improved Smoky Mountain painting by putting Brian Urlacher in it. He's milking a cow.

4/4/2009, 3:20pm: I injured my ankle painting a picture of Frida Kahlo painting herself. Putting the kibosh on art for now.

4/10/2009, 7:12pm: Just spoke with my agent. He gave me some what-if scenarios. I told him no, I'm totally high on sculpting bonzais right now.

4/15/2009, 9:54pm: Made a great bonzai that looks just like Michael Strahan.

4/18/2009, 10:18am: Tripped on the Strahan bonzai. Screw trees. I think I'll go make some mead.

4/28/2009, 5:54pm: Told my agent no, no, a thousand times no! I am a man of culture now. I think I'll go read some James Joyce.

4/30/2009, 12:04pm: James Joyce kind of looks like the linebacker coach at So. Miss. The one who cursed a lot.

5/1/2009, 4:14pm: I don't get James Joyce.

5/2/2009, 11:37pm: Cable's out.

5/3/2009, 1:45pm: How many more times do I have to say it? I'm retired. Done. Finished. Stop calling.

5/4/2009, 5:12pm: A free parking space? I'm there, Twin Cities! You're about to get schooled, Tarkenton!

[UPDATE] 5/6/2009, 7:11pm: It was a compact parking space. Screw 'em. I'm hitting the Mall of America for crochet hooks and heading back.