A *satirical* critique of Weeks 1-2 and a major problem...

...the damn announcers.

Seriously, how long do we have to deal with the bush league announcing? Bear with me people and I'm going to give my in-depth scientific* break down of Seahawks season so far and a look ahead to see what kind of difficulties and annoyances we'll have in store.

Now in order to be scientific* let's establish a consistent rating system. Actually you know what? I think since this is subjective and my first fanpost, I think I'm gonna roll the dice.  Gunsling it, Jay Cutler/Tony Romo Brett Favre style.  Relax there will be no pictures of any junk. Hopefully this turns out as well as when I imagined it.

(The * actually stands for satirical but close enough!)

Let's start with Week 1 on Fox, in San Francisco with the illustrious duo of Dick Stockton and John Lynch.

Dick Stockton isn't a great football guy and you can tell right out of the gate. His tempo is off for the NFL game and it really shows that he gets excited about all kinds of small plays. Like first drive, Lynch up the middle for 2 yards. AND LYNCH UP THE MIDDLE STOPPED FOR TWO YARDS!!! Really? Settle down son. It's the first quarter. But overall a decent voice and I can handle it.

John Lynch...solid career. Well respected in locker rooms, and IIRC he was the one who slapped a cell phone out of Jay Cutler's hand in Denver. If so, I owe him a beer of his choosing, likely made of unicorn blood. Go back and listen to the broadcast (if you can handle the game, ouch) and notice how he pretends like the hits on defenseless receivers (like the one on McCoy with about 1:25 left in the 3rd quarter) are new.

Call of the game:

"And that's going to do it for us here in the booth." Thankful. Dick Stockton is a good basketball guy, second only to Dick Vitale in the Dick In The Broadcast Booth Awards. He was okay, but John Lynch was slow, unexciting and I was happy when he wasn't talking. The opposite of how I felt about him on the field when he was in his prime.

Really? Really? Call:

"Braylon Edwards is gonna essentially box his man out like a b-b-b-basketball player on Marcus Trufant. That gives your quarterback a lot of confidence."

Congratulations on channelling your inner John Madden, John Lynch. Seahawks lose, but not in as painful as fashion as people who didn't have the game muted.

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Week 2 in Pittsburgh didn't get any easier. Also on Fox.

Kenny Albert and Darryl Johnston were...there. The game was awful and as we all know it starts and ends with the line. Why on earth does Tony Siragusa get to be on TV? I was glad for the arrival of the NEENER NEE NEENER NEE NEE NEEEEOOOOOWWWW for gamebreaks. And the breakdown...

Kenny Albert: Like Gus Johnson. Happens to call just about every game. I'm not sure why, surely producers and executives must watch the shows with sound on right? Right? Plus....the hair. Oh my god. If a Chia pet lost a battle to a lawn mower and was somehow also Rod Blagojovich it'd be on his head.

Darryl Johnston: I challenge any and all of you to find a picture of Darryl Johnston where he doesn't look like a retired Ken doll. His voice is kinda smooth though. I don't know why I like him. Maybe he's like the Ken doll I was always too manly to want. Until now...

Call of the game:

The reference(s, couldn't find online to rewatch) to SB XL...really? None of the rest of the country realized there was anything less than a perfect game by Bill Leavy's crew a couple years ago. Thanks for bringing that up.

Really? Really? Call:

I couldn't find any gems thanks to a lack of game film available but if someone wants to chip in in the comments I would be much obliged. Barring that, I'd say anytime Tony opened his mouth. Dude, seriously, no one cares.

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I started off with a simple goal for this, my first fan post. To practice writing and see I can share some amusement with the rest of the site as we go into a big bye week. I'll do weeks 3 and 4 should demand continue. Otherwise, I might even take a crack at something more legit.

Thanks for reading!