I can't say I'm shocked. We played a fellow NFC West team, at home, and won. Our offense sucked as usual. Unsportsman founder Jesse was at the game while I watched from a TV in Brea, CA and we both shared similar texts. Here's a sample:
"Wow, Tarvaris sucks"
"That last pass wasn't completely uncatchable, just thrown to the wrong receiver"
"Tarvaris is like Forrest Gump, but without the ability to return kicks. Or the ping pong skills."
"If you had a time machine, would you save Lincoln or talk Seattle out of signing Tarvaris?"
"Hey, Tarvaris finally led us on a touchdown drive. Although he looked horrible the entire time."
"You think 13 points is enough to win this game? Cause that's all we're gonna score."
"Wow, 13 point might hold up. That is incredible"
"13 points! We won and scored 13 points!!"
"Man. Tarvaris sucks."
You get the gist. I'm fighting the urge to include texts from other people about Tarvaris. Maybe after a loss.
To the picks!
Carolina @ Chicago
Newton can throw for 400 yards all he wants to, but if he is going to continue leading the team in rushing (which he currently does, at 98 yards), then the Panthers are going to keep losing. Also in the rushing category, Mike Martz may want to switch up the plays a little bit. Your star running back (averaging 4.5 yards a carry before the game) had 2 yards on 9 carries. Sure, Forte is doing well in the passing game, but so is the defense sacking your QB 5-7 times a game. A few weeks ago, I read a stat about Mike Martz being in the top 10 in sacks allowed every season he's been a coach or coordinator in the league. Maybe he should switch some things up. Just saying. Regardless, Panthers...
Buffalo @ Cincinnati
How fun are the Bills? Fall behind by a lot, beat the Raiders. Fall behind by a lot, beat the Patriots. Besting two fan bases that everyone hates? Buffalo, you are becoming America's team. Set up a game where you fall behind the Cowboys by 6 touchdowns and then comeback to beat them and you'll cement your place in our hearts.
Tennessee @ Cleveland
Hasselbeck has thrown 15 more pass attemps than Tarvaris Jackson for 405 more yards. 15 more attempts. 405 more yards.
Anyways, my favorite sleeper team lost Kenny Britt for the season. That's a big blow. Still, on the road or not, I like their chances.
Minnesota @ Kansas City
"Hey Elliott, this is (insert name here), and I'm a huge fan of (Kansas City/Minnesota). You keep complaining about Tarvaris, but do you realize that he has better stats than (McNabb/Cassel)?"
Yep. That I do. You are both welcome to trade for Charlie Whitehurst. We're not using him, and apparently he's worth a couple high draft picks (as of 2009).
Detroit @ Dallas
Hang on Buffalo; someone has a chance to beat you to the punch...
Washington @ St. Louis
It is funny that so many people had the Rams as the sleeper team to take the NFC West. It is sad that the Rams have as good a chance as any of the other teams. Even after losing this one at home (which would be 3 of 4 at home, btw).
San Francisco @ Philadelphia
I hate to rag on east coast hype (not true), but I spent 72 hours hearing about Vick's broken hand and now he's playing with what turned out to be a bruise. After an offseason where every NFL story lead with how amazing the Eagles were going to be, can't we spread the press around? Just a little bit? Don't focus on the Seahawks, I would never ask you to do that, but find a couple of good teams further west that's worth talking about. The Titans have been a nice surprise; they're not that far away. Green Bay is slightly under-reported, and they're amazing. Just saying, you have options; why not roll the dice a bit? Having said all that, Philly should look amazing in this game against a west coast team.
New Orleans @ Jacksonville
David Garrard: Hello?
Pete Carroll: Hey David, how you doing buddy?
Garrard: Um, good, who is this?
Carroll: This is Pete Carroll! We talked a few weeks ago.
Garrard: Oh, hey Pete. Yeah, we did. I called to see if you guys were interested in a new quarterback. That was like a month ago. Before the season even started.
Carroll: Yes, yes you did. That's why I'm calling you back.
Garrard: You already called me back. Like four weeks ago. You told me that you already had your quarterback of the future. That I was wasting my time.
Carroll: Now, well, now, I don't know if those were my exact words. David, now you are an exceptional...
Garrard: Leave me alone. (Hangs up)
(turns on TV)
Announcer: ...and they do it once again. With that last touchdown the Saints now lead 28-0.
(Garrard sits on the sofa, puts his feet on the coffee table and cracks a beer)
(phone rings again)
Garrard: (smiling) I'll just let that go to voice mail.
Announcer: And now it's 35-0!
Pittsburgh @ Houston
The Stealers have been blown out by the Ravens, scored only 24 points against the Seahawks in a game where they were in Seattle territory for 90% of the time, and then squeaked by a Colts team that had Curtis Painter taking the crucial 4th quarter snaps. I'm biting my lip (er, fingers?) to not jinx the chance that Pittsburgh might just not be good. This will be a very telling game.
Texans 28-24 (hoping I didn't jinx it)
Giants @ Arizona
I didn't think the Giants would be good this season either, but after seeing their first couple games and the Cards first couple games...how is New York only favored by 2 in this game? Just saying...
Denver @ Green Bay
Announcer: We will now switch you to another game a little closer in score, already in progress...
New England @ Oakland
They both lost to Buffalo! Both of these teams! TO BUFFALO! The Patriots had won 19 of 20 against the Bills. The Raiders bounced back by beating the Jets! THE JETS! How can you not root for the Bills? As for this game, well, let's just say this won't be the game that the stations playing DEN-GB switch over to.
Miami @ San Diego
Will someone please let Phillip Rivers know that he's an MVP candidate and (slightly less importantly) my starting QB in a money league. 6 picks? Against that schedule so far? Come on man. Don't be like that. The Dolphins are 30th in pass defense. Let's pull it together.
Atlanta @ Seattle
Waiter: So you came back? To watch your Seahawks again?
Me: Well, we did win last week.
Waiter: Yeah, but...dude...Arizona...
Me: I know, I know. A win's a win.
Waiter: Have you looked into the Sunday ticket? I mean, being here is kind of a waste. You have a basketball league that plays between 4-6, so you can't drink. You barely eat. You just sit here, drink tea and mutter words that rhyme with "duck" and "Tarvaris".
Me: Nothing rhymes with Tarvaris. That's the actual word I'm using. And I can't get DirectTv where I live. I looked into buying the Sunday Ticket through my Playstation3, but because I don't have DirecTv, it costs 84.99. A month.
Waiter: Almost $340!
Waiter: Kind of a shitty season so far, eh?
Me: No, have you seen Buffalo?!
Jets @ Baltimore
To be a real contender, the Ravens have to win this game. HAVE TO.
Indianapolis @ Tampa Bay
NFL Exec: I can't believe we had Kerry Collins in a primetime game last week. That is just embarassing. Who do we have this week?
Minions: Jets and Ravens.
Exec: Oh. OH! Wow, that's a great game! Great job everyone!
Minions: The Colts play Monday.
Exec: Fuck! No, no no no no no...we can't have Kerry Collins playing on Monday night. That's just a joke.
Minions: He's not playing!
Exec: You are shitting me. YOU ARE SHITTING ME! MANNING IS BACK?! Oh my God, this is great! Thank you!
Minions: No, he's out too. Curtis Painter is starting.
Last week: 10-6