"Hey guys! Whatcha doin? You guys playing dodgeball? Guys? Gu-- Hey, you got room for one more? No? Okay, next time, maybe. Next time! Okay, awesome! I'll just, I don't know, work on my false starts. Tell me when the next game gets going."
Well, after a week of analyzing why the Cleveland Browns' mix of starters and back-ups was marginally better than the Seattle Seahawks' mix of starters and backups, I'm ready to get back to the really important stuff. It's been a while since we've checked in on the NFL's Worst Roommate Bracket, so I think we're all due for a refresher.
In the inaugural match-up, the impish Cortland Finnegan beat perennial pouter Jay Cutler. In the second showdown, prima donna Terrell Owens ousted the greatest home-schooler who ever lived, Tim Tebow. Last time we did this, loud-mouthed bully James Harrison beat down his toaster-oven-headed quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Now, as I originally stated, this is an eight-player tourney, meaning that there is one more first-round match-up. As a refresher, remember that the basis upon which you vote is entirely up to you.
*Does anyone ever say "ado" and not say "without further" immediately beforehand? Excluding, of course, the idiom "much ado about nothing"? I'm gonna try.
Richie Incognito (OL, Miami Dolphins) -- Richie, who was voted the dirtiest player in the NFL by his peers, earned himself a spot in this bracket by winning a qualifying tournament, a la the U.S. Open. The tournament was for the most hilariously inappropriately surname and Incognito, being the most penalized player in the league, ran away with it.
There are things in this universe that are bigger, more powerful, and seemingly make less sense than anything we can imagine; living with Richie would be a continuous exercise in remembering that. First of all, have you seen this guy?
There are no doorways constructed to handle that. And before you start with "well, he could just turn sideways," remember that Richie Incognito doesn't turn sideways for nobody. Not for you, not for his extended family, not for that crotchety old man behind the counter at the general store -- not even for the guy he was supposed to block that just swim-moved past him into his quarterback's face. He sure as shit isn't going to turn sideways for your door frame.
Even if you can get past the newly-renovated doorways, you have to realize that Richie's Juggernaut tendencies don't end there. I mean, you can forget about getting your security deposit back, but that's a given when you sign a lease with Richie. The real issue is that you can't have friends over either.
Nobody wants to come over and have a husky, overly-aggressive New Jersian verbally assault them and steal their shoes, cuz you know he would. Within two months you'd be likely to come home to a pile of rubble with a heaving, sobbing, behemoth in the middle of the piles of plaster and rigging (is there rigging in houses? I don't really know anything about carpentry).
You can always try to get him out of the house, maybe go bowling or something, right? You guys could watch "The Big Lebowski" beforehand, put on cheesy shirts, and go have a guy's night. Couple of pitchers, couple of laughs. It'd be good for the guy, right? Well, the way I see it, it'd be impossible to get him past check-in.
Richie: I'm here to bowl.
Shoe guy: Good
Richie: So what do I have to do? Just grab a ball or something?
Shoe guy: You gotta get shoes first.
Richie: I already got shoes. Whaddya mean I gotta get shoes?
Shoe guy: You gotta have our shoes.
Richie: What would I do with two pairs of shoes?
Shoe guy: No, you give me your shoes, and I give you ours
Richie: Why would I want your shoes? These are Reeboks! They light up! Do your shoes light up?
Shoe guy: What? No? Haven't you ever bowled before? I give you these to bowl in. ~places shoes on counter~
Richie: Clown shoes, huh? You calling me a clown?
Shoe guy: What? These are bowling shoes?
Richie: ~breathing heavier~ I'll show you bowling shoes!
Shoe guy: What? You don't need to show me bowling shoes. I got lots of those.
Richie: ~hulking up~ I'll show you bowling shoes!
Shoe guy: That doesn't make any--
Richie: Fist smash! ~smashes fist through counter~
Me: He'll pay for that. He's actually quite rich.
Adam Jones (CB, Cincinnati Bengals) -- Do you like to party? I do. If there's one thing I know, however, it's that it's no fun trying to party if you live with someone that doesn't. That would not be a concern with Jones. Initially, this seems like a good thing; one partier plus another partier equals twice the party, right? Well, unfortunately social dynamics, especially partying dynamics, are not as simple as basic arithmetic.
You see, when I party, it means that the following morning the biggest concerns are getting all the soda cans into the recycling bin and making sure that each of my bobbleheads are still accounted for. When Jones parties, he goes much harder (NSFW).
There's a big issue difference between mopping up RC Cola and dusting a crime scene, and I imagine that the latter is much more stressful than the former (although if you let the cola sit for too long, it can become a real pain). Unless you really enjoy choosing between vacating your apartment every weekend and sticking around so you can give statements to the police, I think that attempting to share an abode with "Pacman" would be a complete disaster.
I could probably deal with the broken Courvoisier bottles and the occasional thong in my Crispix box, and I certainly wouldn't mind a few thousand extra $1 bills laying around. However, it's the lingering sense of danger and shame that I'd struggle with, since that's something I thought I was done with when I graduated high school.
Then again, I've always wanted to meet Nelly, so there's that.
Now's your chance to vote. Who would be a worse roommate, Richie Incognito or Adam Jones?
Who would be a worse roommate?
Richie Incognito (98 votes)
Adam Jones (57 votes)
155 total votes