It was a warm and sunny day in New York. I had just travelled over from the west coast to watch the Seahawks play the Giants in their week 5 matchup in the Meadowlands.
I was at the wedding of the daughter of a prominent New York figure and I had a hidden agenda. His daughter looked beautiful in her white gown, and this was truly a special occasion, but I needed help from her father. I requested a moment to speak with him from his consigliere and luckily the meeting was granted. I waited outside of his office for a few moments, practicing what I would say to him...
Me: Don Corleone, I am honored that I was able to sneak past your guards on this, the day of your daughters wedding. No, that's no good. Hey Donny, what's up? How you been? Nice cat. No, that's no good. Listen, DC, I am stoked to be here today and I need something, help a brother out. Yeah, that's good.
Consigliere Tom opens the door
Tom: The Godfather is ready to see you now.
I walk into the office and Corleone is sitting in his chair facing the window. I walk up to the chairs seated in front of his desk and the Don swings around to face me. I take a seat and notice an uncomfortable look on Tom's face.
Me: Oh sorry, Is it cool if I sit.
The Don nods in approval.
Me: Don Corleone, I am honored to be here on the wedding day of your daugher. May their first son be a masculine one, that one day plays quarterback for the New York Giants.
Tom comes over to me and whispers in my ear.
Tom: Don Corleone is a Jets fan.
Me: I mean, for the Jets, of course. They are really in much more need of a QB anyway, Don, and I'm sure that your grandson will be a masculine, non-pretty boy, Johnny Unitas-type that they have sorely needed.
Don Corleone: How can I help you, on this, the day of my daughters wedding?
Me: Well Don, I seem to be in some hot water right now. I am here in New York, this beautiful city of yours, on a trip to see the Seahawks play the Giants over in Jersey. I said some not-so-nice things about their quarterback, Eli Manning, this week and I'm afraid that the Giants fans will try and hurt me.
Don: And what makes you believe this?
Me: What makes me believe that Eli isn't a great quarterback, or what makes me believe that the Giants fan will try and hurt me? I can send you a link to the article, whats your email?
Don: What makes you believe that these Giants fans will want to hurt you? And yes, please send me a link. Tom, give him my internet mail account.
Tom: Its IHeartOranges72@lycos.com.
Me: Great, I'll send it right over. Lycos? Really? Anyways, these men, these Giants fans. They were very upset and they said some hurtful things on the internet. Normally, I wouldn't mind, but I feel that if these men see me in person, they will try to harm me. Even though, and I don't mean to brag, but even though I played third string offensive tackle on my junior varsity football team in high school, I fear that I can not defend myself alone. Perhaps you could help give me some additional muscle.
Don: Normally, I would not waste time on such things, but as a Sicilian I am unable to refuse requests on this, the day of my daughters wedding. Tom, please help make the arrangements.
Tom: Yes Godfather.
Me: Oh, thank you so much Godfather! Look there's just a couple other things in regards to the game that I could use assistance on.
Tom: Only one request per person my friend.
Me: What? He's not Santa is he? It's just a couple of things about the game. Hear me out Godfather...
Me: While it seems that the Seahawks haven't been a good passing defense to the eye, they've actually allowed the 2nd fewest amount of passing touchdowns in the league (3) and in this year of record-breaking yardage numbers, they haven't given up over 300 total passing yards in any one game.
Don: Then what is your concern?
Me: Well, Godfather, unlike most years, Eli is playing very well to start the season. He also seems to play much better at home, as last season he threw 7 less interceptions at the Meadowlands, with a higher completion percentage, and more yards per attempt last season.
I don't see how the Seahawks will be able to stop Hakeem Nicks, one of the top wide receivers in the NFL, and even if they did, what would our answer be for Mario Manningham and Victor Cruz? Unless you can kidnap Darrelle Revis and put him in a Brandon Browner jersey, I'm afraid that the Giants will find that their best success will be through the air and that's probably going to result in at least 35 pass attempts from Manning.
My greatest hope is that he doesn't go for 290 yards for 65% completions and 3 scores without an interception like he did against the Seahawks last year. He posted his highest QB rating of 2010 against Seattle. I fear that at home, he will repeat this performance, and I will have to spend the rest of my days living in fear of trolls.
Tom: Trolls? Like the little, uhh, goblin guys?
Me: No, you know, like trolls on the internet?
Me: You'll get it one day.
Don: And what is it that I can do to help you with this, on this, the day of my daughters wedding?
Me: Well -
I look over at Tom and speak in a soft voice.
Me: He's said that thing about this being his daughters wedding day a lot, he's not having, like, a stroke is he?
Tom shook his head.
Me: Well, your honor, I was hoping maybe you could crack a few skulls? Break a few legs? I hear hamstring pulls are all the rage these days. Do you know how to intentionally pull someones hamstring? Because I worry that Hakeem Nicks is going to have a "blast" on Sunday. Wink Wink.
Don: This request, I can not do for you. I never mingle in the affairs of the National Football League. Though I have broken many laws, and lived a life of crime, I don't do anything against that organization without the NFL's express written consent. I can get around a lot of legalities, but that one is ironclad. Tom...
Tom: Now please, the Godfather is very busy, you must go.
Me: Alright, but you'll give me that extra muscle against the Big Blue View right?
The Don nods his head and Tom walks me out.
Me: Tom, look, I NEED more help. I appreciate what you've done for me, but the Seahawks are going to get murdered on Sunday and not in the way that you mean murdered, but in a much-much worse way than actually getting killed because this is football we are talking about. Losing a game is much worse than losing a loved one.
Tom: While that is a very sick thing you've just said, I like you, and I'm going to help you out. Go see my friend in New Jersey. Here's the phone number. Tell him that the Don said it was very important that he speak to you. Now get outta here kid.
I left the compound but not before walking past the dessert table and making a joke about leaving the gun and taking the cannoli to the Godfathers son Sonny that he didn't find very amusing.
I drove to New Jersey in my black SUV listening to "Woke Up This Morning" by Alabama 3 and smoking a cigar. But I found the song to be too depressing and ominous so I changed it to "On the Floor" by J-Lo.
I pulled up a long driveway to find a large, scary Italian man in a bathrobe and holding the daily newspaper.
Me: Excuse me, are you Tony?
Tony: Who are you?
Me: We spoke on the phone. I am a friend of Don Corleone.
Tony: Oh yeah. Come on in.
I followed Tony down to the basement, where there were two other men waiting. I got scared and wanted to run away, but as I turned to go back up the stairs there was a giant man at the top step and he closed the doors behind him and followed me down.
Tony: This is Paulie, my nephew Christopher, and that white version of William "The Refigerator" Perry is Bobby Bacala.
Bobby: Hey. You know I'm very sensitive about my weight. I've been doin' 30 minutes a day on the P90X.
Tony: Yeah but you do 60 minutes a day on Karen's Ziti.
I wanted to join in on the "OH" party but they gave me a look of disgust.
Tony: So what did you want to see me about?
Me: Look, you're a Jets fan right?
Christopher: Those lousy f#%kin' Jets. Mark Sanchez is a bum!
Christopher: I'm tellin' you Tony. We got to go down there and speak to the Rex Ryan fat f%!^ and tell him that they need to bench that pretty boy piece of sh-
Tony: Hey! I told you to calm down about that. Start doing your breathing exercises like we talked about. Yeah, I'm a Jets fan, what of it?
Me: Well, the Giants play the Seahawks this week and there's some things that I need to happen if my team stands a chance to win.
Tony: Yeah? Like what?
TARVARIS JACKSON AND THE PASSING OFFENSE
Me: Last week Tarvaris actually looked like a real NFL quarterback. He threw 3 touchdowns and 319 yards at home against the Falcons and it seems like the addition of Sidney Rice has really made a difference for the Hawks offense.
The 319 yards was a career high for Tarvaris. His 65.9% completion percentage was a career-high for games in which he attempted at least 30 passes. It was only the 2nd time in his career that he had ever thrown more than 2 touchdowns. Against the Falcons this season, it was more yards allowed against than Jay Cutler, Michael Vick, and Josh Freeman. In many ways, Tarvaris just had the best game of his career.
He also spread the ball around by giving 4 targets to Ben Obamanu, 6 to Mike Williams, 6 to Zach Miller, 6 to Doug Baldwin, and 7 to Sidney Rice. It was the most balanced the passing attack has been all season, but with the addition of a big-play threat in Rice, it clearly gives a new dimension to what Tarvaris and the Seahawks offense can do.
Baldwin caught 5 of his 6 targets for 14 yards per target, making him the most successful of any Seahawks receiver.
It was also the most successful game of the season for the pass-blocking, as Tarvaris was sacked 0 times after being sacked 14 times in the first 3 games. However, the Giants have 12 sacks this year compared to just 5 for Atlanta, the same number as the pass-rushing defense of Seattle.
Christopher: This guy talks a lot.
Paulie: Heheheh. Yeah kid. You knows what we do with people that talk a lot?
Me: Umm. You make em talk to the fishes?
Paulie looks appalled.
Paulie: What? No. What are you sayin' kid? You think I'm some kinda murderer?
Tony: Paulie, calm down.
Paulie: No Tony, did you hear what he said? He called us murderers. You know what we do with people that call us murderers kid?
Paulie: We kill 'em.
Tony: Alright, Paulie, just shut up for a minute. Listen kid, that's all well and good, but what do you want from us?
Me: It's the Giants injury report. It's growing this week and I want to make sure it doesn't get any smaller, capiche? If Tarvaris is going to have any chance at a repeat performance, I don't want to see Osi Umenyiora or Justin Tuck at 100% on Sunday. They've combined for 3.5 sacks in only 3 combined games, so if they were to be healthy this week, I don't think our line could hold them off all game long.
Also, with rookie cornerback Prince Amukamara still out with a broken foot, it would be nice to see Corey Webster off of his game, and the secondary to be caught off guard as much as possible. The Giants are 18th against the pass and 18th in total defense, so I see an opportunity for Tarvaris to have a good game if all goes well.
Though the Giants are allowing 4 yards per carry, I'm just not sure that Beast Mode and the 31st ranked rushing offense will be able to do much on Sunday, so we will need Jackson, Rice, and Baldwin to have big games.
It also appears that Brandon Jacobs is going to be questionable and center David Baas will miss the game, so it would be nice to know that the Seahawks could at least make the Giants a one-dimensional offense.
Tony: Anything else?
Me: The Seahawks have won 1 game in Joisey, and that was back in 1983. As if travelling to the east coast wasn't shitty enough, we have to play at 10 AM PST. I can't have Big Mike Williams half-asleep on the field man, especially since you aren't supposed to let guys with concussions fall asleep. The last time the Seahawks won a game on the east coast was December 2nd, 2007 against Philadelphia, when AJ Feeley was the quarterback.
Tony: So what do you want me to do about that kid?
Me: Either give Roger Goodell an offer he can't refuse to move the game to Sunday night, or bring AJ Feeley over to start for the Giants.
Tony: Okay kid, I'll see what I can do. But only because you're friends with the Godfather.
Me: Thanks Tony.
After this very manly and masculine meeting of men, I went around and gave each one of them a hug and several kisses on the cheek. I found the ritual to be odd for such gangsters, but it was actually pretty nice.
I spent that night at Karma with the cast of Jersey Shore and realized that of all the people I had hung out with that day, this was by far the biggest group of scumbags.