Larry Grant, What Are You Doing?

Disclaimer: Save your 4chan memes for your own backsides... yes I'm mad. I'm mad as hell. I already have an irrational hatred of everything 49er, though admittedly it has only come around since we moved to the NFC West. I didn't care that the God Damned Lions wouldn't roll over and die to help aid our chances at the postseason. Sure, by halftime we were realistically done trying to compete for the postseason. Ergo, this game didn't matter much for that. Win or lose, we were done. Our longshot at the playoffs ended on the backs of impotent Bolts. Thanks assholes.

But I still didn't want to lose this game. You don't want to admit it, but we had your asses pinned to the wall and worried back in week one. Couple of fluke Ted Ginn Jr. maneuvers and that game was toast. Whatever, though. This time I was sure we had you. I still think we did for a while. But my Seahawks apparently didn't want to win, squandering points and screwing up in key moments. So whatever. Hat tip to you mother fuckers. I hope you choke in the postseason.

But, honestly, that isn't what I'm mad about. No. I'm trying to figure out what the fuck was going through Larry Grant's mind after he forced a key turnover late in the game. I'll show you why after the jump

By this point, unless you're blind or stupid, you can probably guess what it is I'm irritated about. Let me again disclaim that I absolutely respect the play of the 49ers, especially today. That defense is as good as advertised and their game plan worked to perfection. We lost today's game and the 49ers won today's game. Sure, I can kvetch about Tarvaris Jackson all I want, but it wont do any good in the long run. This may not have actually sealed the Seahawks hopes, but this is one heck of an individual effort:



Tarvaris Jackson was asking to be stripped from behind. You fought back from whiffing badly on your blitz to hit Jackson from behind and knock the ball loose. The ball rolled forward and was eventually recovered by one of your teammates. Though the Seahawks had 3 time outs left and would use them on the ensuing 49er drive, their current bid at getting into field goal range for the win was dashed. Dashed by you. On a great play.

You deserve all the credit in the world for making a phenomenal game saving effort.



But what the hell is this? Did you plan this? According to something one of the announcers might have said during the game, and you'll forgive me if I wasn't really paying attention to that pair of dolts giving some pretty bad play by play, you might have had this planned. Okay, so you rustled up the fat kid from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, gave him a Crabtree jersey and bought a ticket for him to sit in the first row at Century Link Field. First things first... thanks for the business. I am happy that you helped Paul Allen continue to make a profit off the Seahawks. Typically fans are cynical that players don't try to give back to the community, and so it is nice to see someone prove all those doubters wrong.

But really, what part of this seemed appropriate to you? Maybe you're just not knowledgeable on everything Seahawk. I can understand that. Hell, if I played in San Francisco and had to worry about hundreds of naked Santa Clauses around Christmastime, I might not have my priorities set for an upcoming opponent and the nuances of it's players either. I'm just here to tell you, Larry, that you screwed up here a bit. Let me help you:



This is Tarvaris Jackson. You probably don't know much about him since he played in Minnesota for a few years before coming to Seattle. Heck, up until today, I myself didn't realize his first name was spelled "TaRvaris" instead of "Tavaris". The things you find out when you're searching the internet looking for a picture of the guy in order to make this FanPost. You'll probably recognize this picture well since he's holding that football out and away from his body, just primed for someone to come up behind him and club the football out of his hands. Now that I think about it, you probably studied pictures like this one. Maybe you're more aware of Mr. Jackson than I thought.

Anyway, moving on:



This is Marshawn Lynch. Now I know you know about this guy. Or, if you didn't before today's game, you surely do now. Mr. Lynch came to us from Buffalo, where he had a so-so career. Heck, with us he wasn't doing much until the mid part of this season, and since then has scored a touchdown in every game he's played and rushed for over a thousand yards. Today he rushed for 107 yards, making him the first back in 36 games to hit triple digits against you and your defense. The last guy to do it was Ryan Grant of the Packers, so you know he's in good company. But that wasn't the only streak he ended that your defense was proud of today, is it? But we'll get to that.

The main thing I want to point out here is that Marshawn Lynch is the guy who celebrates with a bag of Skittles after a rushing touchdown. This tradition started with his mother when he was in high school, and it has carried over to the big time. When it was shown on a nationally televised game, on NFL Network no less, a sensation took off! Marshawn Lynch and Skittles! It was awesome! So awesome that Mars offered him a two-year supply of Skittles and a custom dispenser for his locker. Marshawn Lynch and Skittles!



Not Tarvaris Jackson... and Skittles.



MARSHAWN LYNCH... and Skittles!

So I have to wonder... why were you mocking the touchdown celebration of Marshawn Lynch when it was Tarvaris Jackson that you made a key play against? I went back and watched that play you made several times and, well nothing about you and Marshawn Lynch showed up at all. In fact, Marshawn is busy blocking the talented and awesome Ahmad Brooks. You had a free shot at Tarvaris, missed, and came back and made a great play. Again, not trying to take anything away from you there. But if you'd have schooled Marshawn on an attempted block of your blitz, I might understand why you decided to try to show him up by taking a shot at his touchdown celebration. But there's really nothing there. You just decided to mock Marshawn Lynch's touchdown celebration.

I mean... you decided to do that, after this happened:



Here's the start of the play. This is the first play from scrimmage after the blocked punt late in the 4th quarter. You know the one. Anyway, I'm sure you already know what happens here because you were there, but I want to walk you back through the steps so that I can make my point clear about your mockery of Marshawn Lynch being stupid as hell. In case you can't see it, and I do apologize for my crappy screen grabs, that's Marshawn 8 yards behind the line of scrimmage there. You are standing directly ahead of him, almost on the goal line.



The ball is hiked and Marshawn gets the handoff, running to his left. You moved forward a couple of yards but spotted the play immediately and head towards Lynch, taking a good route and building up speed. You're completely unblocked because rookie WR Ricardo Lockette is supposed to come in and crack block you to free Lynch on the outside. He misses, because you're just too fast. Paras Haralson breaks free of his block, but Marshawn is already mostly out of his range. It is just you and Lynch.



You got him! This would be the first of two outstanding game changing plays you've made today. Marshawn Lynch would be tackled for a two yard loss and the Seahawks would face a second down and goal back beyond the five yard line. Most importantly, your defense's streak of not allowing a rushing touchdown would extend to sixteen games! You personally would be heralded as the protector of the streak!

Oh wait...



That didn't happen, did it?

So what happened, Larry? Were you vexed by Marshawn Lynch doing the Beast Mode and shrugging you off like a Pop Warner placekicker? Was that why you felt the need to mock the Skittles celebration, even though you did absolutely NOTHING to Marshawn Lynch himself that would allow you to freely step all over his beloved candy goodness? You weren't satisfied by making the key play to secure the win? You weren't satisfied that your team is going to the postseason? You weren't satisfied by defeating a division rival on the road in a tough stadium to play in? You just had to mock Marshawn Lynch despite being absolutely owned by Marshawn Lynch? Who do you think you are? Terrell Owens?

You made a great play against Tarvaris Jackson. That gives you the right to mock Tarvaris Jackson. That gives you the right to celebrate on his behalf. That gives you the right to mock Seattle in general if you want. But you mocked Marshawn Lynch, and had no reason to do so. You went beyond your allowed gloating rights. Bad form, sir. Bad form.

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