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Einstein's 2011 Draft Preview


With the biggest event of the current 2011 season only five days away, all 32 teams of the league will look to the draft to make the big splash they were hoping for in the Free Agent and Trading period. And if there's one thing certain in football, is that there's going to be drama (and lots of it) come Thursday evening. Let's look at what we might have in store for us:

  • In a unprecedented move, the Carolina Panthers select DT Marcell Dareus as their first overall pick, sending shockwaves to nearly all of the NFL Draft analysts in the nation. Meanwhile, 1622 miles east of Radio Music City Hall, a collective "Fuck!" is heard around somewhere near Broncos Headquarters.
  • A few picks after Dareus is drafted, OLB Von Miller is selected by the Arizona Cardinals and becomes the first rookie to officially walk across the stage. However, Miller breaks tradition by giving commissioner Roger Goodell the finger instead of shaking hands and saying "Screw you" in front of his face. The crowd goes nuts as Goodell quickly retreats backstage to fix his makeup and toupee before the next pick is turned in. Judge Nelson discreetly ignores this incident on her report.
  • Cincinnati, in an effort to harmonize team chemistry and silence critics, will select QB Cam Newton with the forth overall pick. Newton will be supplemented with RB Cedric Benson, WRs Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens, making the Bengals the first time in the NFL to run the controversial "Bandit/Run and Gun" offense.
  • To improve the team overall, Jerry Jones will use the 9th overall pick in the draft to renovate more seats in the New Cowboys Stadium and changing the screen on the field from high-definition to 3D. Despite increasing ticket prices by more than 50%, Dallas fans still manages to show up.
  • Without a free agency, Washington Redskins will select DT Nick Fairely, becoming the team's newest addition of a 50 million dollar useless fat-fuck with durability and effort concerns.
  • The St. Louis Rams will not turn in their pick on time as they are too shocked to realize they are not picking in the top five for the first time in four years.
  • Jaguars fans in the crowd will gasp in amazement as Jacksonville actually makes a decent pick at 16, rather than reaching for players like they did in the past seven drafts.
  • Bill Belichick will trade all his picks in the draft for future picks in the 2012 NFL Draft. With nearly 3/4 of the selections belonging to the Patriots, New England will then trade all those picks for the first overall draft and, just to make everyone even angrier, selects Andrew Luck.
  • Colts president Bill Polian will again frustrate his franchise by selecting RB Mark Ingram with the 22nd pick, citing a need for a "workhorse" in an potential 18-game environment, providing Peyton Manning with more weapons and improving the running game. In other words, the same exact reason for why Indianapolis previously selected Edgerrin James, Joseph Addai and Donald Brown.
  • Da'Quan Bowers is picked in the 24th selection by New Orleans. In jumping for excitement and joy, Bowers lands in his living room coach awkwardly and somehow manages to fracture both his kness and land on the IR before the season starts.
  • Seahawks Head Coach Pete Carroll will exact his cold revenge by picking QB Jake Locker with the 25th pick. Locker, who humiliated Carroll's college team USC in the 2009 NCAA season, will be tormented by receivers who can actually catch something and learning behind a slow-footed, noodled-arm mentor.After adjusting to the difficulty and style of the NFL for three years, Carroll sends him to Rex Ryan.
  • The Steelers will suddenly trade up to the mid-teens to select G Mike Pouncey, improving its edge in the division and giving Pittsburgh the best brother teammates in the AFC North over Carson and Jordan Palmer.
  • Tim Ruskell will somehow convince the Bears to draft Danny Watkins even when Tyron Smith is on the board.
  • Both obnoxious and loud, the Giants and Jets fans will be dead silent for the first time in years as both of their respective teams trade out of the first round. The next day, a quarter of New York City demands the NFL for a refund. And finally...
  • All the commentators on ESPN and NFL Network will spend most of their time complaining about the lockout rather than focusing on the draft itself. This will be offset by the annoyance of Mel Kiper Jr., who is still convinced that Carolina made the right move by giving Jimmy Clausen another chance.

So there you have it guys, my semi-predictions for the upcoming draft next week. I suppose you can take this seriously. Or not. Either way, I finish this post by asking you, what do you think will happen next Thursday?

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