We're on to the second match-up of the first round in the Najeh Davenport Memorial Tournament, aka, The NFL's Worst Roommate Bracket. If you missed the first show-down, you can get caught up HERE, as well as vote on Cortland Finnegan vs Jay Cutler (poll closes today).
As I mentioned before, the criteria for inclusion in this playoff is undefined. Today's match-up is proof of that, as probable football Hall-of-Famer and member of the Liza Minelli All-Diva Team, Terrell Owens, squares off against Tim "The Homeschool Messiah" Tebow.
I have four more contestants in mind for the tournament, but am open to taking suggestions. A lot of you have Tweeted at me with potential contestants, and have successfully persuaded me to include one of them. If you have ideas, hit me up @JacsonBevens or leave your idea in the comments section.
Poll is after the jump.
Terrell Owens (WR, Free Agent) -- Owens is perhaps the most obvious inclusion in this tournament, as he's known as much for his self ~ aggrandizing ~ douchery as he is for historically-productive career. Before I go any further, let me state that I don't hate showboating on principle -- I love Deion Sanders and Ray Lewis, for example -- but there's a line where "swagger" crosses over into "prima donna" and while I can't clearly define where it is*, I know that T.O. is on the wrong side of it.
*I think it's when the showboating hurts teammates either on the field or off of it.
Owens' princessy attitude would drive me crazy in a close domestic setting, to be sure, but I also wouldn't feel inclined to cater to it. If you want to feel like the whole world hates you, that's fine by me, just don't do it while walking around shirtless and hitting on my girlfriend. You asshole.
Owens is the kind of guy who would buy all your drinks when you're out but be sure to remind you that he was doing it because "money don't matter" to him and that he knows "your job can't afford Cristal, so Terrell's gonna show you how the players play". He's the kind of guy that invites any girl that comes over to do body shots off of him, suggests you and him get matching "T.O." tattoos, or challenges you to contests you have no shot at beating him in.
T.O.: Wassup playa?
Me: Not a lot ~Resumes watching "Millionaire Matchmaker"~
T.O.: Just ran eight miles. Hills.
T.O.: Yeah, then went to the park and did 1,000 sit-ups
Me: That's plenty.
T.O.: Yeah, a nice little warm-up. Hit the gym after that. Benched 345.
Me: That's all?
T.O.: Knocked out some squats after that. Gotta keep the glutes tight. Never know when your agent's gonna get you an underwear ad.
Me: Right? I deal with that all the time.
T.O.: Any girls over?
Me: Yeah, I made sure to stock your room with a bunch of 'em while you were gone.
T.O.: Nice! Wait, you're messing with me, huh?
Me: Got me.
T.O.: Well, shit. Wanna play H.O.R.S.E.?
Me: Why not? ~Makes sure the rest of the episode is recorded~
T.O.: ~Grabs basketball~ See you out back. (Also, this apartment has a basketball court)
Me: ~Follows Owens out~
T.O.: Your shot first, baller. You're gonna need any edge you can get.
Me: ~Bricks a jumper~
T.O.: ~Does a 360 dunk~
T.O.: ~Signs ball~
Me: Fuck you.
Tim Tebow (QB, Denver Broncos) -- Here's the thing with Tim Tebow. I think I would actually like the guy. I mean, I look up to him; even watched that documentary on him getting ready for the draft. I admire his conviction, his determination, his jorts. He's the kind of guy you want your sister to marry (mostly because he still thinks that sex is when you touch a girl's butt and even then he wouldn't do it until the wedding night). I just couldn't live with him.
Tim Tebow is the first homeschooler to achieve real-world greatness. Before Tebow, the social pinnacle of the homeschool lifestyle was having your Birkenstocked friends call you Liger because of your sweet center-parted haircut and the fact that you actually caught them all. Now that we live in the A.T. era, a portal has been opened in the continuum separating them from those of us that endured the merciless jungle of public-school adolescence. What's next, a home-schooling president?
Look, I'm not saying I don't want the guy to be as good as advertised. In fact, I want to believe that people can be really humble and altruistic no matter how successful they become. I just don't want to be woken up at 5:00am by my roommate doing push-ups while reciting Bible verses. If you live with Tim Tebow, the person at the door is never there to see you, the curfew is nine o'clock, and for the love of Sterling Mallory Archer why is there no freaking ice cream in the house? No, I don't want Nature Valley granola bars, Tim.
If you live with Tim Tebow, you have to get your own P.O. Box because you can forget about searching for your credit card statement and Macy's catalog amongst six bags of fan mail, autograph requests, and marriage proposals. And you can forget about hanging out with him because you know he's writing sincere responses to every single one of them.
If you live with Tim Tebow, all your NSFW websites are blocked by Parental Control, you have to save your hip-hop for when he's at practice, and you're bound to learn the words to every Michael W. Smith song. If you live with Tim Tebow, you have to be prepared to receive a phone call from Jesus Christ trying to get a hold of him but can't because Tim's studying film. If you live with Tim Tebow, you have to deal with having your mom ask you why you can't be more like Tim. "He's such a sweet boy." Yes he is, mom.