With the NFL playoffs dominating the national sports consciousness, it's easy for ESPN, NFL Network, Fox, etc to overlook the
more important other football-related tournament. As you all know, eight players entered this worst-roommate-in-the-NFL bracket in hopes of claiming the Jeff Reed Trophy, but only one truly terrible co-inhabitant can hoist the Golden Nipple at the end of this thing.
Earlier this season, you eliminated half of the field, waving goodbye to gravity-faced Jay Cutler, virtuous Tim Tebow, toaster-headed Ben Roethlisberger, and the bumblesome Richie Incognito. With the field whittled (what a quaint term) down to four, we move on to the semi-finals. The first pairing is Cortland Finnegan, the one who bested Cutler and Terrell Owens, who disposed of Tebow.
Will T.O. be the next to be left in Finnegan's wake? Vote now.
Cortland Finnegan (CB, Tennessee Titans) - Cortland has long been a punk, but his punkery was brought to the collective forefront last season when he rattled the wrong dog's cage. Since then, he's been fairly quiet -- perhaps because the beating knocked some sense into him, or maybe it's because he died.* Either way, he's still very much alive in this tournament.
As a refresher, here's an excerpt from his initial showdown:
I once lived with a guy who was pretty fun, outgoing, etc. He was also the roommate that not only knew what everyone else's buttons were, but reveled in pushing them. Accidentally use the wrong preposition? He'd bring it up to try and prove your intellectual inferiority the next time you had a disagreement. Insecure around girls? He'd ask you about it when a girl was over. Shit like that. He was just the kind of guy who you could never let your guard down around and that makes for a tense household. I mean, you'd still go pick him up if his car broke down, but only because he's your roommate, not because you're inclined to help him out. Finnegan would be that guy...
Also, what the shit kind of name is Cortland Finnegan? Sounds like Tom Bombadil's nephew or some kind of spritely aid in "Magic: The Gathering." Get a real name, dude.
*I refuse to use a disclaimer
Terrell Owens (WR / Part-Owner, Allen Wranglers) - What's left to say about this guy that hasn't already been said? He's got the body of Tyson Beckford and the self-awareness of Tyson bologna. Owens is as insufferable as egomaniacs get, and to be honest, living with him would be worse than opening your school lunch to find out your mom only packed broccoli and Gogurt. From his showdown with Tebow:
T.O.: Wassup playa?
Me: Not a lot ~Resumes watching "Millionaire Matchmaker"~
T.O.: Just ran eight miles. Hills.
T.O.: Yeah, then went to the park and did 1,000 sit-ups
Me: That's plenty.
T.O.: Yeah, a nice little warm-up. Hit the gym after that. Benched 345.
Me: That's all?
T.O.: Knocked out some squats after that. Gotta keep the glutes tight. Never know when your agent's gonna get you an underwear ad.
Me: Right? I deal with that all the time.
T.O.: Any girls over?
Me: Yeah, I made sure to stock your room with a bunch of 'em while you were gone.
T.O.: Nice! Wait, you're messing with me, huh?
Me: Got me.
T.O.: Well, shit. Wanna play H.O.R.S.E.?
Me: Why not? ~Makes sure the rest of the episode is recorded~
T.O.: ~Grabs basketball~ See you out back. (Also, this apartment has a basketball court)
Me: ~Follows Owens out~
T.O.: Your shot first, baller. You're gonna need any edge you can get.
Me: ~Bricks a jumper~
T.O.: ~Does a 360 dunk~
T.O.: ~Signs ball~
Me: Fuck you.
Alright, their fates lay in your eager, yet unqualified hands. Vote away!