Seahawk lose: Fight depression with Hawksoprine

Otto Greule Jr

It can only get better.

We open on 'Dave', a man in his mid-30's, wearing a red flannel shirt, jeans, and drinking a beer as he watches the Lions make their final drive against the Seahawks in Week 8.


Dave's girlfriend Cindy comes into the room, upset.

Cindy: Dave, you have to stop this. We can't keep living like this. Turn it off.

Dave: Turn it off?! There's under a minute left. We can keep them to a field goal and go to overtime.

Cindy: No, Dave. They haven't been able to stop Titus Young all day and you know that. This is a road game and even if they do go to overtime, we both know how this is going to end. Turn if off.

Dave: You're killing me.

Cindy: You're killing us.

Cindy walks out of the room as Dave continues to watch. Young scores the go-ahead touchdown, essentially ending the game.


Dave throws his Bud Light bottle into the wall, smashing it. He buries his head into his hands, squeezing his temples tightly as if he will be able to push the pain out of his brain. Cindy walks past him with a suitcase.

Dave: Where are you going?

Cindy: I can't do this anymore. Either you give up being a Seattle sports fan or you start realizing what you are. We can't keep pretending like A) it's finally going be our year or B) find cynicism in everything. You have to either take the losses gracefully or stop rooting. Can you do that?


Cindy: Goodbye, Dave. Call me when you're ready to get help. Or when the Sonics come back.

She storms out, leaving Dave alone to think not only about losing his girlfriend, but more importantly, losing the game to the Lions. There's a knock at the door and Dave runs over to answer it. He opens the door in a rush.

Dave: CINDY!

He flings open the door, but instead of seeing his girlfriend standing there he sees a well-dressed, handsome man in his 50s.

Dave: Who are you?

Man: I'm the guy that's going to save your life.

Dave: bbbwwhhhhhat?

Man: Seahawks fan?

Dave: Wait... how did you know that?

Man: Broken beer bottles, overturned coffee table, that sad pathetic look on your face like your dad accidentally killed your dog and then your mom "accidentally" killed your dad in "self defense."

Dave: Wow! You gathered I was a Hawks fan just from all of that?

Man: Also, we're in Seattle and you're literally wearing a Seahawks jersey.

Dave: Look, what can you do to help save my life? Make the Seahawks better? Psssh.

Man: No. Nobody can do that. But what I can do is help you deal with the losses better. With Hawksoprine.

Seattle sports fans are born with mutated brain cells, caused by a heavy and concentrated amounts of rain, that attack the Temporal lobe and cause defects in their perception of reality.


This part of the brain contains the auditory process (you don't hear what you want to hear), visual processing (you don't see what you want to see), speech (obscene amounts of profanity), memory (you can't forget all of the bad times), and spatial navigation (you can't act like you've been there before, because you never have.)

For some people in the Pacific Northwest, they channel these defects into music that sounds like "gggrrrrrr baaaahhhh mallo mello mallo me heee hooo. hoooo yeah." But for many others it begins and ends with sports, as the infected pass along the defect with both nature and nurture.

The first time your dad took you to a baseball game and yelled, "YOU SUCK, AYALA!"

The first time you were at a Seahawks game and the crowd screamed, "PUT IN KITNA, YOU BUMS!"


Being a Seattle sports fan can cause symptoms such as:

- Depression

- Loneliness

- Anxiety

- Alcoholism

- Anger

- Pessimism

- Hallucinations

- Insomnia

- Memento

- Inception

- Delusions of grandeur

- Delusions of smalleur

- Unrealistic trade scenarios

- Rosterbation

- Moraphobia

Dave: Okay, so how is Hawkso....

Man: Hawksoprine

Dave: How is that supposed to help me?

Hawksoprine attacks the bad cells, allowing your brain to grow back to normal over time, and soon you'll feel as though you grew up in Boston or New York, and enjoyed many titles with the same geographical and economical advantages that those other cities have.


Man: Tell me Dave, what do you think of the Seahawks right now?

Dave: THOSE BUMS!? Russell Wilson couldn't pass Go if you gave him $200! The defense stops third downs about as often as a paper cup stops a train! THIS SEASON IS AS OVER AS THE POLICE ACADEMY MOVIES!

Man: Okay, now take a HAWKSOPRINE.

/Dave takes HAWKSOPRINE.

Dave: Ya know, it's not all bad. The season is far from over and Seattle has five home games in the second half of the schedule. Heck, with the NFC being so even this season, they're still only one game back of a Wild Card berth and Wild Card's have won three of the last six Super Bowls. I'm not saying we're going to win the championship this year, but there's definitely a lot of talented players on this team that just need to get better in a few areas like third downs, and the window for winning is not going to close after this season.

Four losses by a touchdown or less with an opportunity to win every game... how many teams can say that, am I right?

Man: And if they don't make the playoffs?

Dave: Well, gee, I'm used that! Haha. I'm going to go read a book.

Dave calmly starts cleaning up the mess he made before calling Cindy and telling her that he's sorry and that he'll get over the losses and start being more optimistic about his teams. Even if they don't win, at least he always has his family and friends.

CUT TO: Montage of Dave and Cindy walking through fields, playing on the beach, shrugging their shoulders and laughing as Seattle blows a ten-point fourth quarter lead.

VOICE-OVER: Hawksoprine is not FDA approved and will not help the Seahawks or Mariners win a championship or bring back our Sonics. Please consult with a tailgate party before using Hawksoprine and seek help if you start to root for the Patriots, Yankees, or Lakers.

Side-effects of Hawksoprine include:

- Apathy

- Seasonal tickets disorder

- Lazy-ass

- Late-night phone calls to Pete Carroll just to say "Hi"

- The downfall of sports radio call-in shows

- Rashes

- Death

Do take Hawksoprine with alcohol and other drugs, it works better that way. Take Hawksoprine if you are pregnant, to ensure a brighter future for the next generation of northwest sports fans. Don't operate heavy machinery, you have no formal training.

Really-quick voice-over: Hawksoprine is essentially hawksy-contin, which is essentially oxycontin. You're taking synthetic heroine, is what I am saying, basically.

Man: Hawksoprine: Because if you're a Seattle sports fan, it can only get better.

Take Kenneth On Twitter with alcohol

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