Streeter Lecka - Getty Images
The Seahawks sit in last place of the toughest division in football. How are the rest of the teams stacking up against your favorite team? (They better be your favorite, damn it.)
I can't help but be a little sad that we are entering Week 6 already. You wait so long for the season to get here, bickering and arguing about every little detail about who we should sign, draft, and start, and then all of a sudden it's here and we're well into the 2012 season. Seems like any day now that I'll wake up, the season will be long over, and I'll be lying on my death bed with this year deep in my rear view.
I'll look over at my grandkids and say, "You know, when I was your age, the Seahawks ranked as the number one defense in the NFL."
They'll look back at me and say, "Please stop. You're not our grandfather. Take us home, we miss our family."
Seattle enters the week at 3-2 and pathetically in last place. Luckily for us, the NFC West is the boobs. NFC West? More like NFC Wiest. (Named after the incredibly talented Dianne Wiest of Lost Boys fame. Underrated but she brings it every time. Parenthood, anyone?) I'd just like to point out that the Browns have one less loss than the entire NFC Wiest combined and even if they are the Browns, that's kind of ridiculous.
Even as the Cardinals looked like a team of humans in Week 5, that simultaneously made the St. Louis Rams look like something that they haven't looked like in a decade: A football team. A good one. The Rams already have more wins in 2012 than they had during the entire 2008, 2009, and 2011 teams, respectively. One more win and they'll surpass the 3-13 2007 team. St. Louis hasn't posted a winning record since 2003, and it's too early to say that they'll do that this year, but if you thought that their defense was better you were right.
If you thought that they're secondary looked really good... you were hella right, son. Opposing quarterbacks so far have a 2:8 touchdown to interception ratio and are posting a rating of 66.6 proving once and for all that Jeff Fisher sold his soul to the Devil. Can you blame him though? The Rams had won 15 games in five years. I sold my soul to the Devil for mezzanine seats at a Boyz II Men concert in 2004, so I can't judge. (And yeah, that was worth it too. Those boys can sing.)
None of those games are going to be easy for St. Louis, including a trip to the surprise 2-3 Dolphins. If the over/under on that game is 10 you take the under. The Rams defense is for real when you just take a look at some of the names they're now putting out there: Robert Quinn (6 sacks), Chris Long (3 sacks), James Laurinaitis, Cortland Finnegan, Janoris Jenkins, and probably some guys I am underrating like Jo-Lonn Dunbar. Even though I paid Jo-Lonn Dunbar to paint my chicken coop and he did a terrible job.
St. Louis is going to have a hard time replacing Danny Amendola again, but their defense should keep them close in most ballgames. Getting the Packers and Patriots at home gives them a shot to win one of those games and maybe they're 4-4 at the break. That would be my guess.
The Cardinals are also going to have some work to do on offense now that they've lost Ryan Williams for the season and Beanie Wells for at least a month and a half. On one hand, Arizona was 4-1 without a running game (31st in total rushing, 32nd in yards per attempt) but on the other hand don't you at least have to have the threat of a run? The Cards are 31st in total offense and 24th in scoring offense and they've beaten the Hawks, Patriots, and Dolphins by a combined nine points including one overtime game.
They're a completed Wilson pass, a made Stephen Gostkowski field goal, and a 4th-and-10 with :26 left 15-yard TD pass to Andre Roberts from being 1-4. Now, I'm not saying that the Cardinals didn't deserve to win all of those games because you should be able to just walk away with a win and not question it (right Seahawks fans?) but I'm only saying that Arizona was on the cusp. They didn't win those games by 6, 7, or 15 points to the extent where you'd say that they'd be okay with a few injuries.
They did beat the Eagles 27-6, so you can't also say that they're just lucky. Arizona has forced 11 turnovers in five games. Arizona's offense is bad and their defense is good. Where have I heard that before? It's funny because if the Cardinals were 1-4, we'd be calling them the most dangerous 1-4 team in the league.
Arizona's offense gets a chance to explode this week against the Buffalo Bills at home, making LaRod Stephens-Howling a fantasy sleeper to get 250 yards. They then travel to the Minnesota Vikings and face/off against the San Francisco 49ers at home. (Actually, a good way to describe that game would be that the Cardinals are Nic Cage and then 49ers are John Travolta. The 49ers were good a long time ago, then bad, then good again. The Cardinals are just batshit crazy and usually terrible.)
Scientifically speaking, I predict that Arizona will be somewhere from 4-4 to 7-1 at the midway point. Let's go with 5-3.
Finally the 49ers sit at 4-1 and some are saying that they are the best team in football. San Francisco is 3rd in scoring offense and 1st in scoring defense. Despite the fact that they are 27th in passing yards, the 49ers lead the league in rushing yardage and yards per attempt after rushing for 245 against the Jets and 311 against the Bills. Their 621 yards against the Bills was more than Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, or Kevan Barlow (haha that's a jokey joke) ever got because it was a franchise record.
God, if we don't put up 400 yards on the Bills I am going to be pissed.
Basically, San Fran is doing what they did last year except perfecting it. Everyone said that they couldn't continue to put up those kind of turnover numbers (and they're right because at +5 they are "only" 7th in the NFL) but it doesn't matter because they got better in other phases of the game. The Niners have won their last two games by a combined score of 79-3. (Even if the Pats aren't as good as last year, how could they possibly lose a game in that division?)
The only question for me at this point is if San Francisco will ever succumb to the injury bug, and no I'm not talking about Brandon freakin' Jacobs or Ted stinkin' Ginn flippin' Jr. I am not rooting for injury by any means, but this is the NFL and the 49ers have been surprisingly healthy.
They get tested but only a little bit over the next three: New York Giants, Seattle Seahawks, @Arizona Cardinals. New York brings the #2 offense into San Fran this week so basically they're stealing our thunder because yes people will care more about the Giants-49ers and by a wide margin.
I won't try and predict our own game yet because we will be doing plenty of that but don't look now because that game is only nine days away (Thursday Night Footie.) Let's hope that Seattle does better on three days rest. By the way, come to my show and see my Third Eye Blind cover band, "Three Days Rest." (We only play Semi-Charmed Life so don't bitch about it.)
Now, and as it has been for the last year and a half, the 49ers are our biggest obstacle from winning the division. Maybe that's not something we should concern ourselves with anyway. At least not now. It looks like the 49ers could win as many games as they did last year, or at least close to it, and that's just not probable for Seattle. Wild Cards are cool, that's why they are wild cards. They could be anything.
"Oh, I look like a meager little baby duck? BAM! I AM A RABID SEAHAWK. YEAH, WE GOT RABIES NOW MOTHER@#$$@%!"
Finally, I made another video. I share with you because I am very competitive and I still dreaming of being viewed more than Matt Ufford or Amy K Nelson. I'll never be as easy on the eyes as Amy K, but I'll tell you this: Don't be so easy on your eyes or they'll never learn.
(And follow on TwitterTube)