FanPost

The OT Thread - Top 10 Animals of All Time That Are Not Extinct

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I feel I needed the caveat there, as otherwise you NERDS would be all "NO DUBMASS THE CORRECT ANSWER IS TIKTALIK" and then we'd get into arguments involving Latin names for creatures nobody has ever seen anyway and who probably even wear things like feathers, which you have to admit are kind of dumb if you're not actually a bird AND DO NOT SAY THAT DINOSAURS ARE BASICALLY BIRDS BECAUSE I HAVE YET TO SEE A BIRD THAT CAN RIP A VAN IN HALF.

And we go to the break... as always, please comment if you think a particular animal merits inclusion, or else you wanted to say something that is off topic.

10. Bears. I really don't know how much I have to say about these. Let me just say this: if you haven't seen the documentary Grizzly Man, you must do so at your next opportunity. Watch it at work. Your boss will probably appreciate it, and if he doesn't he will probably be eaten by a bear in the future anyway so screw him.

9. Tigers. Kind of glamorous but I had to place them ahead of bears for the following reason:

http://www.ofcats.com/2008/05/siberian-tiger.html

At times conflict occurs even with the Great Russian Brown Bear, though tiger predation upon bears in usually restricted to females, subadult and hibernating animals. On occasion the Asiatic Black Bear is hunted by the tiger. The cunning cat is known to imitate black bear sounds to attract and hunt them.

Elsewhere I have heard that in places where bears and tigers cohabitate, bears make up roughly 10-15% of a tiger's diet. I think we have to agree that that's kind of bad-ass.

8. The lowly grasshopper.

                             r-p-o-p-h-e-s-s-a-g-r
                      who
  a)s w(e loo)k
  upnowgath
                  PPEGORHRASS
                                        eringint(o-
  aThe):l
             eA
                 !p:
S                                                         a
                          (r
  rIvInG                         .gRrEaPsPhOs)
                                                         to
  rea(be)rran(com)gi(e)ngly
  ,grasshopper;

I rest my case.

7. The hippo. I love how they are the meanest killers in Africa. "Oh, look, Marge! It's a hippopotamous! Oh, it's so cute and fat! OH GOD WHY IS IT EATING ME WITH ITS GIANT TUSKS WHICH COME TO THINK OF IT ARE MADE TO MAUL EVEN THOUGH IT IS A HERBIVORE. I AM JUST SAYING IT SEEMS STRANGELY ANTI-SURVIVAL WHICH IS A HIGHLY IRONIC THING TO SAY GIVEN THAT IT IS CHEWING ME INTO PIECES AND THEN THROWING ME INTO THE WATER."

6. Man, the most dangerous animal of all. No, I'm just kidding. The dolphin, because of this: several years ago people were finding porpoises washed up on the beach with massive internal injuries, what looked like severe blunt trauma. At first, scientists figured it was something humans were doing, like maybe they were getting caught in ships screws or something. However, the true answer is this: dolphins were playing porpoise volleyball with them. No, I am not making this up. There is video footage of this happening.

5. The pig, both because of bacon and because I think that when you let them loose into the wild, like approximately 3 weeks later they turn into wild savage beasts. It might be longer than that.

4. The candiru, which I will not describe except to say that a. you should Google it, and b. I have nicknamed it "the Amazonian dickfish" for good reason.

3. There is this one kind of parasite that will climb into a fish's mouth, eat the fish's tongue, and then be the fish's tongue for the rest of the life of the fish. I AM THE HERLIHY BOY

2. The bonobo. Chimps get all the PR, which really says a lot about human society I think. The thing is, chimpanzees are extremely violent, especially as they grow into maturity. Researchers who watch chimps sometimes have to worry about getting too close because a chimp will beat the living crap out of a human just for fun. Anyway, bonobos, also called pygmy chimpanzees, are every bit as smart as chimps and just as closely related to humans, but instead of wanting to beat up everything they just like to have sex. All the time. Nothing but sex. They use sex to mediate conflict. Oh, I ate more than my share of the berries? Here, let me [REDACTED] all over your [REDACTED]. Wow, man! Thanks! Now let me reciprocate by [REDACTED], Man, that felt good. Why don't we celebrate by [REDACTED]?

1. The Seahawk. 'Nuff said.

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