FanPost

The Cook-Off

Shit's going down y'all.

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Fish. Three fishes.Three dead fishes, and the ice proves it. For ice means frozen, and frozen means you want to save something fresh for later, because, why else would you freeze something and then unfreeze it just to cook it sooner?

Fishes are on the newspaper. Sleeping with the fishes? Get it? Also, there's tomatoes next to the fishes. Italians usually use tomatoes in their cooking. Either they're implying a Godfather reference here, or they're just saying Seattle people are lousy cooks because we put our raw vegetables right next to frozen seafood.

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Beef! Steak! Because the only thing we can contrast with Seafood is Beef. All American Beef. Flank Steak, it looks like. Which is curious for using in a Cheesesteak, since Flank Steaks are usually one of the tougher cuts of meat. But what do I know! I'm from Seattle, and all my culinary expertise is apparently only limited to what we can catch.

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Now we see chef here grilling the some salmon. Why salmon? Because all people know Seattle is know for their salmon. You ever ask people from the East Coast if they know about the Tilapia or Halibut in Seattle? Hell No. They get that crap from Florida.

Let's focus on chef himself. He's looking over his shoulder. Anxiously. Nervous. We don't know. What we do know is this: He's using the tongs to flip over the lemons, not the fish. He's wearing a vest because apparently the Seahawks hat-under-hood with the blue sweatshirt is not enough to distinguish the fanbase. Oh, and he's holding an umbrella! And it rains a lot in Seattle! OH WE'RE SO SMART IN KNOWING PUTTING IN ALL THE STEREOTYPES WE GOOGLED AN HOUR AGO BEFORE FILMING THIS!

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A secondary character! Oh good! What's he putting in? Clams? Oh yeah, because only having one seafood would be discriminatory. Gotta have more shellfishes! More shots of the crab too! And don't forget the black guy! D-I-V-E-R-S-I-T-Y!

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Not going to be outmatched by chef, Philly man also grills with one hand. Except he doesn't have anything to do with the other one, so he just puts it in his pocket. He can't hold an umbrella, because, well he's indoors. And it's nearly impossible to be raining indoors, unless you're standing underneath a leaky water pipe.

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Now we're slamming the lid! Don't care if the pot is overfill, nor the fact that no one in the right mind will be eating this much shit in one sitting, but I'm the boss of this cookout. I'm gonna show the crab who's boss! BAM! Take that!

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Why are you making that face? You're tasting cheese whiz. It's melted cheese whiz. What else did you expect to taste from processed stuff, aged Gouda? Don't give me the arm thing like it's my fault!

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Let's dump this crap! Notice the crab leg falling off? Screw hygiene man, this is suppose to be rustic man! Rustic! And the 5 second rule still applies. But it appears the other guy duping in the crap has already stepped on it...that's gonna be hard to clean up.

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Back to Chef! Squeeze some lemons! After all, lemons go with Seafood! Even though the juice probably will probably just slide off the shells of the crab and won't penetrate the meat, but still! And the tomatoes are still here. Goddamn tomatoes. What the hell are they doing here? Who the hell eats Seafood with tomatoes? And with raw tomatoes anyways? Who even garnishes something with whole, raw tomatoes?

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Hand me that plate full of food, because I'm a lazy ass! I mean, really fellows, the point of having a Crabpot is so that you eat at where the food is at. Why even have one if all you're gonna do is hand out plates of food? Why not just serve it like classy like a restaurant? Maybe they should move the TV, but it's nailed to the ceiling apparently. What kind of absurd household put their TV in a top corner of the room? Maybe this is a restaurant after all.

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Eat! Eat! Eat! 18 is looking intently at the TV we're assuming. Or maybe it's because he's trying to avoid eye contact with that guy wearing #59. He's thinking "Gee, who the hell is the asshole who got himself a Aaron Curry jersey?" What the guy doesn't know is that Curry is actually blurred out, probably because he was out of the Seahawks by then. Curry doesn't usually go on a crabpot though, and that might confuse some people. Curry in a crabpot? Hahahahahahaha that's just nuts. (See what I did there)?

Ironically, the guy's wearing a Sidney Rice jersey. Curry goes well with rice. Rice don't usually go well with Crabpot, but I'm incline to think Rice would go well with Crabpots then Curry will. I just love how they manage to sneak so many food references in here! Strange that no one on the Philly side was wearing a Brian Rolle jersey.

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Back to the Philly guy. Chomp. Because that's how you eat sandwiches right. Not like the quick and fast gobbling bites of seafood and crab that's for sure. Mmmm, Meat. I also loved how the cheese whiz suddenly turned white. You know how people usually turn white when they're scared? Cheese Whiz have feelings too, and they probably were scared of that guy's mouth coming on them. I don't blame ya.

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Michael Vick was hurt for the game. So was Mike Williams. The moral? Chances are if your first name's Michael, you aren't playing Thursday night. Likewise, Eagles vs. Seahawks. Because somewhere there are people naive and dense enough to recognize a group of guys wearing blue cooking seafood and a group of guys wearing green eating cheesesteaks aren't always from Seattle and Philadelphia respectively, and of course we don't want to confuse them with Alaska/Boston and New York.

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T.G.I.T = The Gospel is True? I guess that's why NFL Network is always so high on Tebow. Also, Tim "Gibraltar" Tebow. It all makes sense now. You can thank me later.

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