Might Flynn Be "Accidentally" Suffocated In His Sleep? (Or Will I Stab Him Instead?)


The current QB competition in Seattle raises several questions:

1.) Why hasn't Pete Carroll made Russell Wilson the permanent starter, from now until the end of time? Is denying his unquestionable greatness really necessary? He could have easily cut all other quarterbacks on the roster, and gone a cross-country killing spree taking out any potential quarterback who could rise up through the college ranks and change for Wilson's job, but he hasn't. Yet.

2.) Why is TJerk still in the competition? If other quarterbacks exist on this planet, why does this horrible excuse of a human being continue to pollute the roster? What's the point in continuing to give him reps during these totally important and pivotal OTAs when that time could be better used watching paint dry?

Conducting a 3-way QB competition in May and June -- when the time spent in practice is barely more meaningful than playing Madden on your Xbox -- seems like a high-cost effort that has looked unreasonable from several prominent perspectives. Many have questioned the purpose and sincerity of it. What does PC hope to accomplish, other than giving football-starved Seahawks fans something pointless to anguish over?

Then I collected a few other considerations/assumptions/baseless speculations:

1.) Pete really like Portis. Like, A LOT. He totally plans on giving Portis a promise ring and going steady together during the summer. "He has a future with this team," PC recently stated. It appears to me that Portis is the near-perfect 3rd-string QB: He's young, athletic, and a total blank slate that I can mold with my imagination into the perfect player, until the inevitable time comes that I must watch him actually play.

2.) OC Darren Bevell recently emphasized the importance of the down-field passing attack in this offense, as if employing Tarvaris Jackson for the last year wasn't emphasis enough:

That's what we want to do, it's what we want to be. It gives us opportunities to throw it, not just a little, you know, West-Coast Offense style where you're going five or six yards, we want to be able to get big chunks. If you're going to drive the length of the field, you're going to have to do that, and I think that's something that we're still working on.

Most of us interpret his barely-sensical words, and PC's desire, to throw the deep ball on occasion, like when my aunt and uncle from Yakima is visiting. To do that effectively, the ball has to arrive down field before the safety gets there. To do that, the QB must have a strong arm, or a quick release, or do really well on play action, or any number of other abilities a quarterback may possess.

PC has shown on several occasions (I like the word "occasion") his willingness to trade or let walk in FA (ugh) serviceable that don't fit his ideal for the position. Josh Wilson -> Richard Sherman; Daryl Tapp -> Chris Clemons; Justin Forsett -> Robert Turbin; Matt Hasselbeck -> Tarvaris Jackson; $21 Million -> $8 million; Brian Russell -> Earl Thomas (WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!).

Every QB that PC has brought onto the team -- with one exception -- fit the basic prototype for the position: highly mobile with a strong arm. Charlie Whitehurst, Josh Portis, Tarvaris Jackson (except when he's actually playing quarterback), Russell Wilson. Matt "Worse Than Hitler" Flynn is that one exception.

If we assume that the Seahawks will only carry three quarterbacks on the 53-man roster (and if you disagree with any of these assumptions, you can bite my shiny metal ass), assume that Portis has the number 3 spot locked up, with no evidence to prove this whatsoever. And since Wilson is some kind of demi-god we should start sacrificing virgins to, that means that either Flynn or Jackson has to go.

Up until now, I have been fairly confident that TJabroni was the guy outside looking in, and most likely to get cut. Because I have eyes that work. But what if Pete wants to see all three guys together in order to decide between Flynn and Jackson, because OF COURSE Flynn has less chance to make the team than the grizzled veteran Josh Portis.

Jackson fits what PC wants in the position (and the bedroom), at least physically (Tarvaris doesn't like to spoon). As many of you assholes like to point out, Jackson represents a definable floor in performance, and PC knows he can win games with him.

If you add all this up, what if PC is seriously considering having Matt Flynn killed?

Flynn signed a very trade-friendly contract, although no team in their right mind would give up something to trade for a guy they could have signed as a free agent 3 months ago. And if you cut Flynn he may go to another team and play well for them, because he might actually be a good QB, even though to make my narrative even slightly plausible Flynn must be absolutely horrible.

Who would want him, you ask? Obviously no one, because I just made the assumption that Flynn sucks, so therefor every team in the NFL must agree with me. Maybe the Packers, because they originally drafted Flynn and, somehow, haven't gone 0-16 every season (that Super Bowl win was a total fluke!). What if Flynn made a pact with the devil, became a starter and won a bunch of games, then became President and set off all our nuclear bombs? Would it be worth the 3rd round pick we would somehow get? No! Kill him now!!

If killing Flynn were a genuine consideration, then Pete Carroll would probably be arrested, but more importantly the 3 QB competition makes more sense, although the way I've described it in this post makes no sense. Without it, you wonder why some decisions haven't already been made, although we're not members of the Seahawks coaching staff and really have no clue on how this process is REALLY shaping out. Cutting T-pocalypse or killing Flynn makes total sense because Russell "Greater Than Gandhi And Johnny Unitas Combined" Wilson should have already been named the starter, and makes much more sense than dragging out this 3-way. Sure, it's kinky at first, but the novelty wears off quickly, and someone always finished well before the other two.

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