Take this seriously.

19 Wins

The offense breaks records like Detroit Lions players break the law. Matt Flynn not just doubles, but TRIPLES the passing yards record set by Drew Brees last year. He throws for an obscene amount of touchdowns, including 10 to himself. Tarvaris Jackson shows his worth with some of the most emphatic kneel downs in the history of football. Russell Wilson grows 9.5 inches as he rides the bench as 3rd string QB.

Marshawn Lynch rushes for at least 2,000 yards, Robert Turbin chips in a further 750, and both combine for roughly 10,000 broken tackles and 15 stiff-arm related injuries for linebackers around the NFL. Leon Washington becomes a factor in the passing game after Darrell Bevell is forced to remove all empty set formations on 3rd and 2 and properly use a rotation system.

Sidney Rice, Doug Baldwin, Zach Miller, and Golden Tate all make the Pro Bowl.

The offensive line allows 0 sacks and no one steps on Russell Okung's ankle.

Defensively, Chris Clemons breaks the single-season sack mark with 40, although ESPN media will proceed to downplay it due to the repeated slips and self-sacks by Mark Sanchez in their meeting at CenturyLink Field. The secondary intercepts the pre-game warm-up throws and is awarded touchdowns before kickoff. Our linebackers are actually healthy. Red Bryant swallows Alex Smith whole and Bruce Irvin crushes Colin Kaepernick, forcing the Niners to sign and start Kyle Boller.

Special teams is amazing, blocking 60 punts, and Steven Hauschka makes all of his field goals but isn't needed for extra points, as Pete Carroll opts for two-point conversions after every touchdown. Leon Washington doesn't get tackled by the punter.

Seattle wins the Super Bowl against the Pittsburgh Steelers 40-0.

18 wins

Matt Flynn loses his debut in Seattle's millionth close defeat in Arizona. He shows signs of brilliance but otherwise looks unspectacular. The panic button is pressed. Flynn responds to his critics by winning the final 18 games of the season all by double-digits (except the Miami Dolphins game, which reaches triple-digits), doubling Drew Brees' passing yards record. Russell Wilson grows 8.5 inches and Tarvaris Jackson throws at least one pass in the regular season.

Marshawn Lynch rushes for 1,900 yards, Turbin contributes 600, and Leon Washington befuddles defenses.

Sidney Rice, Doug Baldwin, and Zach Miller all reach the Pro Bowl.

The o-line allows 3 sacks, and Kellen Winslow Jr. steps on Okung's ankle. Not to be denied, Okung misses zero game time due to his new titanium replacement.

The defense dominates the run and shuts down the pass, allowing just 75 yards all year. Brandon Browner cuts down on the penalties and Earl Thomas supplants Ed Reed as the best safety in the NFL. KJ Wright develops into what Aaron Curry should've been. Richard Sherman becomes the new Darrelle Revis, and is dubbed "The Unlockable Dick". Kam Chancellor brings a wooden club onto the field and starts whacking tight-ends, but is given special exception by the NFL.

Special teams is dominant both defending the return and receiving. Jon Ryan is given the Order of Canada for his excellency in punting, but he only punts 5 times all year due to Seattle's outstanding offense. All 5 punts are pinned at the 1 yard line.

Seattle beats the Tim Tebow led New York Jets 16-3.

17 wins

Matt Flynn loses his debut, wins against Dallas, but then throws the game-losing OT INT against the Green Bay Packers on Monday Night Football. Questions set in about his throwing abilities. Flynn answers with a 900 yard throwing effort in his next game, and Seattle rides that momentum to the Super Bowl. He only beats Brees' record by 1,000 yards. Russell Wilson grows 5 inches. Tarvaris Jackson is traded to Tennessee for Matt Hasselbeck when Pete Carroll realizes "he's got this in the bag".

Lynch and Turbin both become 1,000 yard rushers. Marshawn is sidelined when doctors find out he's been shitting skittles out of his ass for the whole preseason. Turbin effortlessly steps in and earns the nickname "Ramblin' Robert". Leon gets larger.

Sidney Rice makes the Pro Bowl whilst Doug Baldwin is an alternate.

The offensive line opens up monstrous holes, and Seattle vs. New England has to be replayed when Russell Okung accidentally sets up a black hole that sucks the entire field in. Max Unger becomes a Pro Bowler to continue the trend of Tim Ruskell owning the 2nd round.

Seattle's secondary intercepts 50 passes, 27 are returned for touchdowns. The run defense is so dominant that it does not allow a 25 yard rusher all season.

Special teams has occasional blips, but is otherwise a fantastic unit. Leon Washington is tackled often by the punter but scores when Kam Chancellor decks Andy Lee into the 5th row.

Seattle wins the Super Bowl 31-28 over the New England Patriots on a Steven Hauschka field goal as time expires.

16 wins

Matt Flynn is injured in preseason when he collapses under the weight of the entire stock of Pike Place Market fishes in a poor attempt at "hazing". Russell Wilson is 3 inches taller. Tarvaris Jackson proves effective but utterly inept in the 4th quarter, and Seattle is 0-3. Pete Carroll sweats as his job security is called to question by Steve Kelley in nine 1-sentence paragraphs. Flynn heals, rattles off 16 straight wins, including a career-defining 30-30 for 517 yards and 8 TD performance against the San Francisco 49ers. Jim Harbaugh does not accept a post-game handshake in front of a nationally televised NBC audience, causing Pete Carroll to jackpump bitch slap him across the face. Roger Goodell sees no reason for a fine.

Marshawn Lynch runs for 1,250 yards, Turbin just misses 1,000. Leon Washington is considered one of the best 3rd down backs in the sport.

Kris Durham breaks through as a new favorite target. Baldwin, Tate, Winslow, etc. all "spread the wealth" as far as receptions. Golden Tate becomes a top WR when he's told to run forwards AND spin at the same time.

O-line is consistent, healthy, and overpowering. James Carpenter becomes the most improved player of the year. Russell Okung misses 1 game due to an ankle injury.

Seattle's defense causes Tony Romo to breakdown and cry on the field. Red Bryant smothers Christian Ponder, who is never heard from again. Chris Clemons doesn't jump offsides once per game. The secondary leaves Larry Fitzgerald uncovered as a taunt, only for one of Thomas, Chancellor, Sherman, or Browner to intercept him when Kevin Kolb thinks he's wide open. Leroy Hill returns to Super Bowl form. KJ Wright not only becomes an elite linebacker, but proceeds to outdo Steven Wright as a one-liner comedian.

Steven Hauschka is a pro bowl kicker. All of his kickoffs go for touchbacks. Jon Ryan throws multiple fake punt touchdown passes to whomever he pleases.

Seattle wins the Super Bowl over the Denver Broncos 51-3. Peyton Manning is pulled from the game in the 3rd quarter due to a severe beating, and promptly spends the 4th quarter advertising various pain relievers.

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Everything I wrote is accurate and there's a 25% chance one of these outcomes becomes reality.