Today was Madden 13 demo day. It felt like Christmas morning... for a Jewish child. The game plays like every other Madden game, but just slightly different. My favorite part about a new Madden game is finding out how EA Sports thinks the Seahawk roster will shake out and how the players will rate. For instance, last year some guy at EA said, "This Doug Baldwin guy isn't going to be any good. We don't need to bother getting his photo into the game. Now who wants some blow?" What oversights will be made this year? This is just the demo, but I have no patience for the final release date. Let's get to it!
1. Matt Flynn will be our starter. Today's news out of Renton seems to back that. Anybody surprised by this is an ostrich. What will be surprising is how deep his deep balls can go. We are talking Ron Jeremy deep. Sadly, his intermediate throws have the pace of an older Matt Hasselbeck.
2. Marshawn Lynch can not be stopped... unless he bumps into his blocker. At this point he will gently curl into the fetal position and fall to the ground sparing any injury to his teammate. But if he bumps into an opponent? Fuck 'em.
3. Sidney Rice will get injured the first time he gets hit.
4. Tavaris Jackson will be the backup quarterback and make everybody wish for the days of NFL 2K when you could have your kicker be the backup instead.
5. T.O. will head-butt a teenage girl to cash in on Chad Johnson's fame and Braylon Edwards will leave the team to reclaim his lucrative 5-hour Energy spokesman position. Pete will become desparate for a big target and get Mike Williams back on the team (Either that or someone at EA got lazy).
6. Brandon Browner will be an out-route vacuum machine. However, we will all lose faith in him when he is consistently beaten by Santana Moss for jump balls in the end zone. Three years after retirement, we will all feel bad for shunning Brandon when we learn he suffered from achondroplasiaphobia.
7. The offensive line will smother the opposition as long as we never call a play action play. For some reason or another, the o-line will confused play-action blocking with standing around like Jay and Silent Bob. "Hey Orakpo! You ever have your asshole licked by a fat guy in an overcoat?"
8. Barrett Ruud is the starting middle linebacker. Barrett Ruud does not miss a tackle. Barrett Ruud is a fast little son of a bitch. Barrett Ruud will not be outrun by RG3. Barrett Ruud doesn't give a fuck.
9. Kam Chancellor will destroy every attempted screen pass and every running back sweep. This is not a surprise. What will come as a surprise is that he does not destroy anybody going over the middle.
10. Kellen Winslow will play on special teams. HA!
# What the hell happened to Pete's neck?
# Every team will develop Parkinson's disease and TV broadcasts will be directed by Paul Greengrass who will also develop Parkinson's. This shit is shakier than... I don't know... everything?
# Phil Sims will continue to do his best pile of shit impersonation. We will all thank our Savior that we do not play in the AFC and thus have a lower chance of exposure to his crappiness. As a side note, we will also praise our God that Troy Aikman is only capable of commentating on the NFC East.