Albert the Fan Settles the Seahawks QB Competition

One afternoon at the Seahawks Training Center in Renton, WA...

Carl Smith: ...sigh...Goddamn it...
Gus Bradley: What?
Smith: We're never going to sort this mess out.
Bradley: The economy?
Smith: No. Well, yes, in the long term but no, I meant this year's QB competition. It really is rubbish at the moment what are we going to do?
Bradley: You can always say no. Like if they ask you "Who's starting in week one?" you'll reply "No." "Is it Wilson or Flynn?" "No". No no no no no, works like a charm. Well, at least with the people holding the signs down at 4th avenue but that's another story.
Smith: You know what, we need leadership. We need someone to just tell the damn team what to do.
Bradley: ...I think I know just the man...


Albert the Fan: (picks up cellphone) Hello?
Bradley: Hi is this Albert?
Albert: Who's this?
Bradley: Gus Bradley, defensive coordinator of the Seahawks.
Albert: Nope, don't know you.
Bradley: I'm the bald guy you always see with a headset on Sundays.
Albert: You're gonna have to be more specific dude. Is this some sort of prank?
Bradley: I'm the guy that you wanted fire instead of Jeremy Bates two years ago.
Albert: GUS! You should've told me it was you. What's up?
Bradley: Look, we need you to stop by the VMAC and sort out this QB mess.
Albert: What? Why me? Why don't you ask O'Neill or Hawkblogger?
Bradley: He's busy. I need you to come here now. Okay?
Albert: Fine. But only this time. And I don't want another 1996 situation.

Albert walks in to a conference room. Various voices are heard yelling across the round table..

Albert: Hey Hey HEY! (Room quiets) What's the matter with you all? What's going on?
Tom Cable: We're in the middle of a crisis here. Miami and Tennessee have already chosen their QB for week one and now the media's focusing on us!
John Schneider: Disrespectful bastards. We had a agreement that we were going to name our starting QB first!
Darrell Bevel: Cameras...cameras following me everywhere...don't look directly into...
Cable: Oh pull yourself together! You coached Farve for two years!
Pete Carroll: Look, I'm almost done with this crap. I'm about five minutes away from running back to Southern California and kidnap Matt on a tricycle. I can make it look like a Amber Alert okay?
Albert: No, no, no. we have enough people here already. Alright, whatever. Let's make this easy. Who wants to be the starting QB?
Tarvaris Jackson: I want to be.
Schneider: Why?
Jackson: Well, as the incumbent starter I think I hold an edge over all these other candidates. I am athletic, i know the playbook since I entered the league, and I can throw deep bombs which always wows the 12th man. Not that they all are going to be accurate, but people go crazy for deep balls. And that can bring excitement to a crowd who hasn't seen a legitimate world championship since the 70's.
Cable: That's true. I had a similar effect with Jason Campbell during my last year of Oakland.
Others nod in agreement
Albert: You can't be the starting QB.
Jackson: ...(Staring out into space)
Albert: Hello? T-Jax?
Jackson: ...
Albert: Tarvaris? Oh for Christ's sake...(Proceeds to push him off the chair)
Jackson: ...Huh? AH!
Bevell: AH!
Jackson: AH! Okay, okay, sorry, I don't notice things until I actually feel them, what?
Albert: You can't be the starting QB.
Jackson: Why not?
Albert: You throw too hard. You've been spending too much time under Brett Farve and I've been hearing complaints from our wideouts how you've been injuring their hands. Remember Golden Tate earlier this year? Yeah, you threw that pass that broke his hand!
Jackson: But I can't throw a accurate pass anywhere!
Albert: Doesn't matter! The risk is too high.
Cable: He's got a point I'm afraid.
Carroll: Mmhmm. (He playfully tosses a football up in there, when suddenly Richard Sherman comes in, tips the pass and into the hands of Earl Thomas, and both of them exit in full speed out the exit).
Matt Flynn: Well I loved to be the Starting QB of the Seahawks. I mean I'm probably the best looking QB in franchise history since Brock Huard. I come from the Packers, my first name's Matt and I carry a storyline into this team that's meaningless to talk about but still highlights the television everyday. Plus I was mentored by Aaron Rodgers so I will also draw needless comparisons to him throughout my time here.
Schneider: That's what I want to hear! (High fives!)
Cable: That is true I suppose.
Carroll: No.
Flynn: Why not?
Carroll: Because you're too good.
Flynn: What?
Carroll: You broke a franchise record on your 2nd NFL career start, you passed for over 700 yards in the same span. Do you know how unrealistic expectations will the fans have for you? You got a hot fiancee,you look like Matt Damon's twin brother; you're too successful, and you're gonna ruin our team chemistry because everyone's going to be jealous of you! How do you think a guy as ugly as Bruce Irvin going to stand up to this?
Schneider: Now what a second Pete hear me out...
Carroll: Look John I know he's your guy but I'm the head coach here. I'm making the choice.
Schneider: We're in this together! You said it yourself! I should've at least some say in the players...
Carroll: Who got hired first?
Schneider: ...
Bevell: Honestly I don't even know how I would gameplan for a quarterback as good as this.
Cable: Neither do I.
Albert: Josh, what about you?
Josh Portis: Well I'd love to be the starting QB. I mean, if you guys want me to. I know I'm just a UDFA and no one around here knows about me much but I mean I worked hard for a year and a half and I can be a great inspirational story to the media that will provide a big distraction while you know, Marshawn keeps doing his deal and stuff, and you's your call.
Cable: He's got a point.
Bevell: Mmhmm.
Carroll: Maybe you should be the starting QB.
Portis: Maybe I should? Maybe I should?! What the hell did you guys take me for? I was being humble! You know how hard it is to play in Division II football when everyone around you are just high school scrubs? I've spend the whole last season playing the scout team, holding kicks, learning plays that I don't need to know and now I've to deal with guys like T.O. babbling around me on 4th string. Of course I should be the starting QB!
Albert: Okay, okay, settle down here. I get you. Now let's put this to a vote. Who thinks Portis should be the starting QB? 1...2...3..(Portis raises hand)...4...
Russell Wilson: He can't be the QB.
Portis. What? Why?
Wilson: Because you don't choke on big games. Everybody knows a Seahawks starting QB has to choke on big games at least 3-4 times in his career. Matt Hasselbeck did it for three years. So did Dave Krieg. Hell even the first QB Jim Zorn ended the first Seahawks game in a heartbreaker. Being in NCAA Division II you have no idea what the big games are.
Portis: I know! I know! I've been studying, just give me a chance.
Wilson: All right then, answer this: what's the biggest game in a NFL season?
Portis: It's the Super Bowl right?
Carroll/Cable: Facepalm
Albert: No you idiot, it's the Championship game! Nobody usually cares about the Super Bowl anyways because the odds are always lopsided and the favored team usually wins! When people say "Super Bowl or bust" they don't mean you have to win the Super Bowl! Just look at the Bills for instance! How were they the best team in the early 1990's if they never even won a Lombardi Trophy?
Wilson: You know what, forget it. I should be the starting quarterback. I work hard, I play hard. I'm multidimensional with passing and rushing. I took Wisconsin to the Rose Bowl, I'm short, which makes me the main focal point of the news media, I have a deep ball that's not too hard, and I create so much excitement I made everyone in a room, including my wife, orgasm just by answering a phone call. And I have over 35,000 people following me on Twitter.
Carroll: Well...
Bevell: He's still a rookie so we can still have our usual, basic game-planning...
Cable: His running ability lets me yell at the O-Line more in confusion for letting the pocket collapse...
Schneider: And I still get credit for drafting the first legitimate QB in franchise history...
Albert: Sounds like there's no objections. Okay Russell, looks like you're the starting...
Michael Robinson: Biggest bullshit I have ever heard.
Wilson: What?
Robinson: You can't be the starting QB of the Seattle Seahawks. You are a rookie. People around here don't accept having rookie QB's anymore. Any mistake you make and the fans will be comparing you to Rick Mirer or Dan McGwire. Heck, the 12th man weren't even ready to bring Braylon Edwards or Terrell Owens into camp, you think they can handle a player like you? I'm sorry bud, but maybe a few years down the road I suppose.
Portis: That's what they told me when I first came here.
Mike Teel: Same here.
David Greene: Yep.
Robinson: Look, I heard what everybody has to say, and I've kept quiet. And you all know that only I can be the starting quarterback for the Seahawks this year. I've played more games in my professional year than you four combined. My show has become a hit phenomenon on YouTube and have touched millions of fans And I am the last remaining position players to have originally started as a QB.
Tim Tebow: What about me?
Robinson: I'm one of the last remaining position players to have originally started as a QB. I've perfected the three key abilities of the offense and I held the highest QB rating last year. Anybody disagree?
Everyone shakes heads.
Albert: All right then. MRob, you'll start week 1 @ Glendale. Now if they aren't anything else, I have a Mariners game to get to. Meeting adjourned.
Everybody gets up to leave, until Pete remains sitting in the conference table, thinking emphatically.

Pete: ...So who's our fullback then?

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