Seattle SeaHawku: Week 2 -- Dallas Cowboys


Ah yes, The Cowboys: America's Team.

Do I need to type anything in this box to stoke the fires of hatred inside of you? Were you alive in the 1990's, when every other cat on the street had a Cowboys jacket, with matching 7th Grade reading level? The Cowboys are an amalgam of every blonde, white, wealthy, sweater wearing John Hughes villain. Basted in pretension and garnished with entitlement.

This pack of sucks has had a couple of down seasons, and are now pretending to be an underdog, when we all know that the only dog they're under is the (FILTER HAS BEEN ENGAGED. PROCEED WITH OVERRIDE) while it tries to pull the handle out. No part of me has any sympathy when the 99% suddenly falls on slightly less-privileged times. The Cowboys are the Mitt Romney of the NFL.

Jerry Jones is an autofellacio-obsessed homunculus, teetering on the edge of insanity while his thousands of servants massage gallons of unicorn tears into his desiccated husk. He's a mobile "Bodyworlds" exhibit.

The Cowboys march from the barren wasteland of Dallas this weekend, intent on invading our verdant citadel and laying waste to our fair city. All that stands between these gap-toothed mongrels is the blue and grey of our fearless Seahawks. They are led by Pete Carroll. The Prince of Seattle (Although Chris Hansen might soon be King(s)).

They cannot do it on their own. Our champions need us, for we are the power which fuels their hatred. We are the contempt in Sherman's eyes as he leers down at Dez Bryant. We are the ATP powering Chris Clemons' shoulder into Romo's sternum. We are the wind, gracing Earl's heels as he glides into the end zone. In order to provide these sparks, we need to harness the most potent of poetic practices: The Hawku.

You all know the rules: Title your poem in the subject bar, write your hawku in the comments, rec to green any that you like, and flip your middle finger in a general southeastern direction.



The Eloquence of Dallas

The room is silent

Romo addresses his team

"Herp derp. Herp derp derp."


All Your Names Suck

"The 'Boys". Holy shit

Is there a dumber nickname?

Yes. "'Merica's Team".

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