It was totally my plan to have some heckles for the other 3 preseason teams but - and not to put ALL OF MY HORRIBLE ISSUES upon you - in the past 3 1.2 weeks I have gone from gainfully unemployed, living in sunny Bellevue, WA (world's capital of yak butter*) and (presumably) working on a novel to ungainfully employed in the field of "consultation" in... wait for it... Atlanta, GA. Yes, that's right. I'm in Falcons country now. Actually, nobody seems to care about pro football down here so I guess it's more accurately Georgia Tech Yellowjackets country, but anyway. You get the drift. I hear the weather is nice up there, by which I mean "you find yourself craving air conditioning as though it was a kind of airborne crack". I hate all of you and am envious as well.
But enough about me... let's get some heckles out of the way! As this is a road game I do not recommend making these heckles at the opposing stadium unless you want people to look back at you and stare at you. I can all but promise that they won't actually assault you because a. Arizona and b. my own experience with these kinds of heckles is that that's what people tend to do. Even when you're actually heckling *them*, as I did to a bunch of Blue Jays fans at a Mariners game a couple years ago. "LOOK AT ME! I AM A CANADIAN! I LIKE TO WEAR TOCQUES WHICH IS IRONIC BECAUSE MY COUNTRY IS AMERICA'S HAT!". Underneath their quizzical expressions I could tell that they were deeply hurt. Only their Canadian lack of vocabulary prevented them from expressing as much. Let this be a lesson to you all.
Anyway, heckles after the jump! And as always, please feel free to contribute your own! Every single heckle increases the Seahawks' chances of winning by 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000001%!
Red Skelton: HEY ARE YOU RELATED TO RED SKELTON I IMAGINE A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T REMEMBER HIM BUT HE WAS A RATHER FAMOUS CLOWN AT ONE POINT IN TIME ALSO I THINK HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A HOBO
Kevin Kolb: AT THIS POINT IF I'M HECKLING YOU IT'S BECAUSE JOHN SKELTON LEFT THE GAME WITH AN INJURY OR WAS JUST REALLY REALLY BAD SO EITHER WAY THE SEAHAWKS ARE WINNING SO FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH I DON'T THINK YOUR TRADE WAS THE WORST OF ALL TIME I THINK THAT FOR INSTANCE THE HERSCHEL WALKER DEAL WAS SIGNIFICANTLY WORSE FOR THAT MATTER OUR HAUL FOR JOEY GALLOWAY WAS BETTER WELL EXCEPT THAT JOEY GALLOWAY WAS ACTUALLY GOOD AT FOOTBALL OKAY I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT THAT WAS A BRIDGE TOO FAR
Beanie Wells: SERIOUSLY DUDE WHAT KIND OF NICKNAME IS BEANIE YOU ARE A GROWN MAN IT'S OKAY IF PEOPLE CALL YOU CHRIS AS FOR THE FACT THAT YOUR FAMILY THOUGHT YOU WERE SKINNY LIKE A 'BEAN POLE' THAT EXPLAINS NOTHING I HAVE NEVER SEEN A BEAN POLE IN MY LIFE AND I DOUBT YOU HAVE EITHER
Ryan Williams: I SEE THAT YOU ATTENDED STONEWALL JACKSON HIGH SCHOOL HOW MUCH DOES IT SUCK TO BE A BLACK GUY ATTENDING A HIGH SCHOOL NAMED AFTER A GUY WHO FOUGHT IN A WAR FOR THE RIGHT TO OWN BLACK GUYS
Anthony Sherman: I'M JUST GOING TO COME OUT AND SAY THAT IF WE ARE AT THE POINT OF BOOING YOU IT PROBABLY MEANS YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB AND IF THAT'S THE CASE THEN WELL NO OFFENSE SIR BUT THAT PROBABLY CONSTITUTES THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE EVER REALLY BEEN ADEQUATE IN THE NFL PLEASE DO NOT TAKE OFFENSE AT THIS I'M NOT INSULTING YOU PER SE JUST OBSERVING
Larry Fitzgerald: YOU ARE THE SECOND GREA
TEST PLAYER IN EA SPORTS HISTORY TO EVER APPEAR ON THE COVER OF TWO VIDEO GAME COVERS IT KIND OF SUCKS THAT YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST BUT ALAS THAT IS AN UNREACHABLE GOAL OKAY IN REALITY YOU ARE #1 BUT THE OTHER GUY IS SHAUN ALEXANDER AND WELL I AM A SEAHAWKS FAN AND WOULD NEVER ADMIT THAT EXCEPT I GUESS INASMUCH AS I AM ADMITTING IT NOW
Andre Roberts: I SEE YOU ATTENDED THE CITADEL HAVE THEY LET ANY WOMEN IN THERE YET I'M JUST SAYING YOU HAVE TO WONDER ABOUT GUYS WHO CHOOSE TO ATTEND ALL-MALE COLLEGES I MEAN NOT THAT YOU ARE NECESSARILY GAY OR ANYTHING BUT BY THE WAY IF YOU ARE THAT'S OKAY IN MY BOOK I DON'T JUDGE
Early Doucet: I'M NOT GETTING THE NAMES ON THIS TEAM BUT AT LEAST YOURS IS THE ONE YOUR PARENTS GAVE TO YOU WELL OKAY TECHNICALLY BEANIE WELLS' PARENTS GAVE HIM THE NAME BEANIE AS WELL BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME TALK ABOUT BEANIE WELLS AGAIN COME ON MAN LET'S KEEP THIS ON POINT
Michael Floyd: HOW DARE YOU SURPASS GOLDEN TATE'S RECORD FOR MOST RECEPTIONS IN A SEASON BY A FIGHTING IRISHMAN SPEAKING OF WHICH IS IT JUST ME OR IS THAT NICKNAME A LITTLE RACIST I MEAN YOU DON'T SEE SCHOOLS NICKNAMED THE SURRENDERING FRENCH OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT ALSO I AM PRETTY SURE THE IRISH ARE MUCH BETTER KNOWN FOR THEIR DRINKING
Jeff King: HEY COOL I THOUGHT YOU WERE GREAT FOR THE 1991 PIRATES IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU STILL HAVE A JOB IN PRO SPORTS
Todd Heap: I WAS ABOUT TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT HOW I LOVED YOU ON THE SUPER BOWL WINNING BALTIMORE RAVENS BUT THEN I REALIZED THAT YOU WERE ACTUALLY THAT GUY SO WELL I GUESS I STILL LOVED YOU ON THAT TEAM
D'Anthony Batiste: DON'T TELL ANYONE BUT I'M PRETTY SURE YOUR NAME IS FRENCH FOR "THE ANTHONY" WERE YOUR PARENTS CONCERNED THAT YOU WOULD BE CONFUSED WITH ANOTHER PERSON NAMED ANTHONY IN YOUR GENERAL AREA THIS STARTED AS A HECKLE BUT NOW TO BE HONEST I'M A LITTLE INTERESTED IN YOUR ANSWER
Daryn Colledge: SO I'M LOOKING AT YOUR WIKIPEDIA PAGE AND I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK WHAT THE HELL IS THAT TATTOO ON YOUR ARM IT LOOKS LIKE MAYBE YOU'RE BEING ATTACKED BY LEECHES OR MAYBE A TIGER BUT ONLY THE LATTER IF YOU BLEED BLACK BLOOD WHICH I GUESS YOU WERE A GREEN BAY PACKER FOR 5 YEARS SO
Lyle Sendlein: YOU ARE VERY ADEPT AT PUTTING A FOOTBALL BETWEEN YOUR LEGS SEE IT DOESN'T SOUND SO COOL WHEN YOU SAY IT OUT LOUD NOW DOES IT
Adam Snyder: SO YOU HAVE A SISTER NAMED BREE AND A SON NAMED KAEL I THINK IT'S TIME TO ADMIT SOMETHING YOUR PARENTS WANTED TO NAME YOU "ADYM" BUT THE DOCTOR MISWROTE IT RIGHT
Bobbie Massie: DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT IT DOES NOT SURPRISE ME IN THE LEAST THAT YOU ARE FROM THE SOUTH
Calais Campbell: WHILE I THINK IT'S REALLY AWESOME THAT YOU CREATED A FOUNDATION TO TEACH SKILLS THAT ARE NOT TYPICALLY TAUGHT IN CLASS BUT ARE NECESSARY FOR EVERYDAY LIKE WHY COOKING??? WHAT YOU SHOULD BE TEACHING IS HOW TO GET A WIFE WHO IS A GOOD COOK AM I RIGHT AM I RIGHT OKAY SORRY THAT WAS KIND OF SEXIST
Dan Williams: I LOVE YOUR OPERATIC BASSO PROFUNDO VOICE OKAY I ADMIT I JUST LOOKED UP YOUR NAME ON WIKIPEDIA BUT ANYWAY DO YOU ACTUALLY SING I MEAN I'M SURE THAT PEOPLE CAN BE NAMED DAN WILLIAMS EVEN IF THEY DON'T HAVE AN OPERATIC BASSO PROFUNDO VOICE BUT IT WOULD BE KIND OF NEAT
Darnell Dockett: THE MOST OBVIOUS ISSUE TO BRING UP HERE IS THAT YOUR MOM WAS MURDERED AND THEY NEVER FOUND THE KILLER BUT I FOR ONE THINK THAT'S A TERRIBLE THING TO BRING UP IN A HECKLE SO INSTEAD I WILL BRING UP HOW I HAVE TOO MUCH CHARACTER TO BRING IT UP I GUESS HUH SOMETIMES I DON'T THINK THESE THINGS THROUGH FULLY
Vonnie Holliday: YOU KNOW WHAT SUCKS IS WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF ABOUT TO MAKE A LOL UR OLD JOKE ABOUT SOMEONE IN PRO SPORTS AND THEN YOU LOOK UP THEIR BIRTHDAY AND SEE THAT THEY ARE A YEAR AND HALF YOUNGER THAN YOU ARE WELL SCREW YOU VONNIE HOLLIDAY I CONSIDER MYSELF MUCH YOUNGER BECAUSE I TOOK UNTIL 2003 TO GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT
Sam Acho: YOUR PARENTS NAMED YOU AFTER THE BLACK GUY IN ROBIN HOOD MEN OF TIGHTS WHICH FRANKLY IS THE CRUELEST NAME ON THIS ENTIRE TEAM AND THAT TOOK SOME DOING
Daryl Washington: YOU PLAYED IN A GAME CALLED THE OIL BOWL I MEAN WHAT THE FRICK I HOPE YOU WEREN'T DOING WHAT IS CONJURED UP IN MY MIND'S EYE WHICH IS GETTING SLATHERED UP IN OIL AND PLAYING NAKED FOOTBALL WAS THAT OUT LOUD
Paris Lenon: I'M SO INTRIGUED BY THE FACT THAT YOU WERE IN THE XFL THAT I'M GOING TO IGNORE YOUR STUPID NAME SPEAKING OF WHICH DID YOU EVER MEET ROD SMART AND IF SO WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER CHANGING YOUR NAME TO HE HATE ME IF ONLY FOR FOOTBALL PURPOSES?
O'Brien Schofield: HEY CAN YOU RESOLVE AN ARGUMENT MICHAEL FLOYD AND I WERE HAVING ABOUT THE IRISH OH WAIT YOU AREN'T REALLY IRISH ARE YOU
Patrick Peterson: GIVEN THAT YOUR LAST NAME IS PETERSON AND YOU ARE RELATED TO SANTANA MOSS HOW IS IT THAT YOU'RE NOT ALSO RELATED TO FORMER SEAHAWK JULIAN PETERSON??? I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BE OFFENDED BY YOUR FAMILY TREE AND YET I AM
William Gay: YOU KNOW ONE OF THE UNSTATED POSITIVES OF CHRIS KLUWE'S RECENT LETTER IS THAT GUYS WITH THE LAST NAME OF GAY WILL PROBABLY ALSO BE TREATED BETTER IN THE NFL AND I FOR ONE SEE NOTHING BUT POSITIVES IN THAT
Adrian Wilson: MAN THERE ARE A LOT OF OLD PEOPLE ON ARIZONA IT'S LIKE YOUR TEAM NAME SHOULD BE THE ARIZONA ELDERLY OR MAYBE THE ARIZONA OLD PEOPLE WITH BAD NAMES NOT THAT ADRIAN IS A BAD NAME IT'S A PERFECTLY NORMAL NAME ACTUALLY I WAS THINKING MORE ABOUT BEANIE WELLS AGAIN SORRY I CAN'T GET BEANIE WELLS OUT OF MY HEAD
Kerry Rhodes: OH MAN I AM TOTALLY GEEKING OUT NOW YOU WERE LIKE MY FAVORITE WRESTLER ON NWA BACK IN THE 1980s THE AMERICAN DREAM OHHH YEAAAH WELL I GUESS 2ND BEST BEHIND RANDY BARBER BUT HE WAS ONE OF THOSE GUYS EVERYONE BEATS LIKE KOKO B. WARE I GUESS I HAD SOME MIXED UP PRIORITIES WHEN I WAS A KID
Jay Feely: EVEN THOUGH YOU NEVER PLAYED FOR THE SEAHAWKS WE FEEL WE OWE YOU A SPECIAL DEBT OF GRATITUDE DUE TO MISSING THREE FIELD GOALS AGAINST US BACK IN 2005 AND IN THE PROCESS MAKING MICHAEL STRAHAN LOOK LIKE A BUTT ON NATIONAL TV SO I SALUTE YOU SIR NOW PLEASE MISS SOME MORE FIELD GOALS
Dave Zastudil: NOT KNOWING WHAT THE HELL YOUR NAME EVEN MEANS I GOOGLED YOU DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE LISTED ON IMDB??? NOT EVEN FOR BEING IN A MOVIE OR SOMETHING EITHER IT COUNTS YOUR APPEARANCES ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL SERIOUSLY HOW STUPID IS THAT
LaRod Stephens-Howling: I LOVED YOU ON THE MINNESOTA TWINS BY WHICH I MEAN THAT YOU ARE SHORT AND LARGE LIKE KIRBY PUCKETT I HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE GLAUCOMA AND/OR BEAT YOUR WIFE THOUGH WELL AND ALSO I HOPE YOU'RE NOT DEAD
*This is true in the sense that I tried to insert it onto Bellevue's Wikipedia page several times until they threatened to ban me.