Bad news: the Seahawks got eliminated from the playoffs. Good news: we now have several months of standing around with our thumbs up our asses till real football begins! Let me kick off the offseason doldrums with the 10 movies I'm most looking forward to in the Year Of Our Lord 2013. If you've been on the Internet for more than 5 minutes, you know the drill with lists: this is purely subjective, leave your own thoughts in the comments, please don't wish violent death on me because you disagree with an opinion on the Internet.
10. Star Trek Into Darkness
I feel like I'm putting this movie on the list only out of nerd obligation, which makes me feel bad. I love Trek, and I loved the '09 Abrams reboot, but I'm really struggling to get excited about this new movie. Maybe I'm just tired of Abrams' gimmick -- yes, J.J., I get it, you're super secretive and elusive and so special, but LOST ended years ago. The name of your main villain in a tentpole blockbuster is not a fucking spoiler. Give it up.
I should note that I also hated the marketing and trailers for '09 Trek and ended up loving that movie, so I hope history repeats itself here. That's the only reason it's on my list.
Release date: March 17
9. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Boy, the knives really came out for Peter Jackson's new Hobbit trilogy. I totally understand the problems people had with An Unexpected Journey, bu personally, I had a blast. Martin Freeman nailed Bilbo, the dwarves were perfect, and I even found the extraneous "padding" storylines compelling. I'm interested to see where Jackson takes this trilogy, and nothing could re-ignite fan heat faster than Benedict Cumberbatch playing the role of Smaug. That is going to be the huge draw in this middle entry, and I have no doubt the 'Batch will nail it.
Release date: December 13
No trailer available yet
8. Man of Steel
From the looks of it, 2013 is carrying a personal "nerd properties I'm skeptical of until proven otherwise" theme with me. Superman is way more interesting than the "hurr too powerful" crowd would have you believe, and early footage seems to reveal a story with real pathos. Of course, there's still Zach Snyder at the helm, and it's produced by Christopher Nolan, whose Batman trilogy seemed almost embarrassed to be associated with capes and cowls. I'm still hopeful--we're long overdue for a good Superman movie in our lifetimes.
Release date: June 14
7. Evil Dead
I can already hear the blood-curdling howls from Internet denizens. "A REMAKE?! OF A BELOVED CULT FILM?! WHY DOES THIS THING EXIST? WHY IS JON BENNE PUTTING IT IN HIS TOP 10 LIST? HAS JON BENNE LOST ALL MENTAL CAPABILITIES?"
All fair points, of course. To which I only respond, "Sam Raimi is producing this new film. Also, watch the trailer below. Trust me."
Release date: April 12
Trailer here (RED BAND TRAILER EXTREMELY NSFW)
6. Thor: The Dark World
I consider 2011's Thor to be the weakest of the Marvel Phase 1 movies, but it still had a good bit of fun. Not much is known about the sequel, but this plot synopsis sounds promising:
Thor battles to save all the Nine Realms from a mysterious enemy older than the universe itself. However, a primeval race led by Malekith, who is out for revenge, intends to descend the universe into darkness. Confronted by an enemy that even Odin and Asgard cannot overcome, Thor must reunite with Jane Foster and set out on a dangerous journey that will force him to make the ultimate sacrifice.
The Asgardian plots were by far the strongest part of the first Thor movie, and spending more time in the Marvel cosmic realms bumps this up my "most anticipated" list.
Release date: November 8
No trailer available yet
5. Pain & Gain
"Michael Bay returning to his Bad Boys roots" gets my curiosity. But "Michael Bay adapting a bizarre, brutal crime story that could only happen in Miami" gets my attention. As happy as I am to see Bay finally putting his toy robots down, I'm even more excited to see him put this particular story on screen.
See, this story is based off the Sun Gym Gang, a group of roided up dipshits who attempt an extortion scam and end up WAY over their heads. Before you watch the movie or even the trailer, set aside a few hours in your day and read this expose in the Miami New Times about the true story. It's fucking incredible.
Release date: April 26
4. Iron Man 3
Marvel officially kicks off its Phase Two project with a third Iron Man installment. I'm not sure if people are ready to revisit Stark Tower after the game-changing events of The Avengers, but the trailer seems to hint that Tony didn't escape that New York attack totally unscathed. Everybody involved has claimed that this movie is a stand-alone story, but Marvel is notorious for shooting last-second scenes to tie things into their larger cinematic universe, so I'm interested to see what we get after the credits.
Release date: May 3
Still one of the biggest black boxes of the 2013 movie slate, the only things we know about Elysium are that it stars Matt Damon, it's made by Neil Blomkamp, the director of District 9, and this is the plot synopsis:
In the year 2159, two classes of people exist. The first are the very wealthy who live on Elysium, a pristine man-made space station similar in appearance to a Stanford torus built by the Armadyne Corporation. The rest live on an overpopulated, ruined Earth. Secretary Rhodes (Jodie Foster), a hard-nosed government ofﬁcial, will stop at nothing to enforce anti-immigration laws and preserve the luxurious lifestyle of the citizens of Elysium. That does not stop the people of Earth from trying to get in, by any means they can. When unlucky ex-con Max (Matt Damon) is backed into a corner, he agrees to take on a daunting mission that if successful will not only save his life, but could bring equality to these polarized worlds.
Blomkamp, sci-fi, and topical social issues. That's enough to get my ass in a theater seat.
Release date: August 9
No trailer available yet
Alfonso Cuaron is making another movie. That's enough to get me excited. Alsonfo Cuaron is making another sci-fi movie. That gets me even more excited, given that he directed, in my opinion, the best sci-fi movie of the 00's in Children of Men.
Alfonso Cuaron directing a sci-fi movie that takes place mostly in space, and reportedly features a 20-minute one-take scene in zero gravity in the very first scene? Take my fucking money right now.
Release date: October 4
No trailer available yet
1. Pacific Rim
This is it. This could be the game-changer. Every Hollywood exec has been searching for "the next Star Wars" for about 30 years now, and Guillmero del Toro may have finally done it. It's not just the "giant robots vs. giant monsters" premise that sounds awesome in the first place. Everything I'm hearing about this movie says it has a complete world, with characters people can love, and a timeless story. Del Toro is one of the greatest visionaries of our lifetime, and it looks like he poured everything into this.
Also, it's giant fucking robots vs. giant fucking monsters. Did you really think I'm missing the midnight release?
Release date: July 12
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