Johnny Slick's Wild Card Picks!

With all due respect to Kenneth Arthur and Jacson and all the other Seahawks fans who put together weekly predictions, it has come to my attention that there is in fact one aspect of pick-dom which is sorely lacking. To explain this, I have to cite one of the great teams of all time, the 1985 Chicago Bears. Sure, they had a great defense and Jim McMahon, but do you know what led them to the Super Bowl more than anything else? It was the fact that their mascot is a bear. Who wants to mess with a bear?

Okay, sure, I hear you saying "but Johnny Slick, that team didn't actually put live bears on the field, and no, William Perry does not count", and "Johnny Slick, that's possibly the stupidest thing I've seen you write all day, although in fairness I have yet to read all of your Ben Roethlesberger posts yet." Well, look. I do not take criticism well and your comments have made you an enemy for life, but nonetheless I don't think you can discount team's mascots so easily. Really, I think you can look at Seattle's sad sports history and the mascots are a huge reason. "Hey, look at us! We are sailors, but we are using an archaic name for ourselves like we were from a Coleridge poem or something!" "We fly very, very fast!" "We are the weather!"

Well, this year changes all of that. A few osprey facts (thanks to the wiki, which I am told has good infos):

  • The osprey is also known as the fish eagle. FISH! EAGLES!
  • The osprey belongs to its very own taxonomic genus (Pandion) and family (Pandionidae). This is due largely to the fact that it is so awesome.
  • The call of the osprey sounds like "cheep, cheep", or "yewk, yewk". This is why many Mariners fans consider it a badly botched thing that Kevin Youkilis was not signed to an undermarket contract this offseason.
  • When distressed near its nest, it lets out a sound like "cheereeek". This is very similar to the sounds that Seahawks fans make when distressed near their nest, which is (when the Seahawks are on offense) "nothing" and (when the Seahawks are on defense) "DEMONIC CACOPHONY".
  • This is a direct quote from the wikis: "The juvenile osprey osprey may be identified by... a buff tone to the underparts..."

So as you can see, the seahawk is, like its team, a very underrated team with a distinctive "yewk" sound, its very own family, and, um, buff underparts.

In any case, this is not merely a pro-seahawk thread per se. This is an attempt to quantify the winners of each wild card game. And so we start!

Cincinnati Bengals vs. Houston Texans

This one is a bit tougher than it may first look. On the one hand, bengal tigers are big and scary, and on the same hand, Texans are fat and talk funny. On the other hand, Texans do own guns. The trick here is that Matt Schaub, the Head Texan, will have to manage to fire off that gun before the Bengals sink their teeth into that delicious Texas adipose flesh.

Texans 31, Bengals 24

Minnesota Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers

I don't get the Packers' name. "Behold, sports fans! We like to put objects into boxes! No, we do not send them anywhere. That is a job for another team. We also do not trifle with such mundanities as making sure the ice cream is packed below the bread, for that is a job for the Kenosha Baggers." The Vikings, on the other hand, you know what they are, even though real, actual Vikings never wore horns on their helmets and therefore this version is a giant fraud.

The fraud aspect actually makes this game closer than it may appear, for although the Vikings will set upon the Packers with swords and axes, it will soon become apparent that these weapons are made of cheap Hollywood metal. Then the Packers will strike back, first with their union benefits (I mean, I don't know for a fact that the Packers are union, but it seems kind of obvious, doesn't it?), then, as the clock ticks down, they will throw their packages at the Vikings. It is too bad they did not choose the name Unpackers, because chances are some of those boxes people have given them to pack have some nice things inside of them. Oh well. This should be enough.

Packers 37, Vikings 21

Indianapolis Colts vs. Baltimore Ravens

Yet another battle that seems very lopsided at first glance. I mean, here you have a horse on the one hand and a bird on the other. Who ever heard of a bird beating a horse in battle? Maybe if it was a large bird, but no, the raven is pretty small. However. What you do not realize about the raven is that it is a very, very mean bird, the kind of bird who likes to pluck the eyes out of larger animals, which it secretly despises. And let's face it, a colt is not quite a full-fledged horse. It's still young and hasn't yet fashioned the kinds of classic anti-eye-plucking defenses veteran horses learn to put together.

Ravens 15, Colts 7

Seattle Seahawks vs. Washington Redskins

"This is a sad day for our people," the Redskin said before this game in my head. "We have a long history of loving the animals of this continent as though they were our brothers, but today we must vanquish one of our own." And so he sadly picked up his racist stereotype tomahawk and went into battle, probably sporting a head dress and, although it is the middle of winter, no shirt. He enters this game with a sense of sad, grim determination.

But consider this from the perspective of the seahawk. Okay, sure, the native American is pretty cool and all, but this is playoff time and the osprey don't give a yewk. And unlike his other human brethren, the Redskin does not have a gun to shoot or even a box to throw at the Seahawk. This one might get pretty ugly, folks. Nature is, after all, red in tooth and claw.

Seahawks 106, Redskins 3

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