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Seattle Seahawks: Ruining Seasons Since September 2012

Other teams' seasons, that is. Witness:

SEPTEMBER 16, 2012

Seattle, WA -- In their home opener, the Seahawks retrospectively eliminate the Cowboys from the NFL playoffs by pasting them 27-7.

SEPTEMBER 24, 2012

Seattle, WA -- Golden Tate's last second TOUCHDOWN CATCH simultaneously ruins Green Bay's Monday night and costs them a first-round playoff bye. Retrospectively.

NOVEMBER 4, 2012

Seattle, WA -- By defeating the Vikings 30-20, Seattle prevents Minnesota -- retrospectively -- from winning the NFC North, banishing them to the eventual 6th seed in the playoffs, and exposing Christian Ponder for what he is: a rich man's Tim Tebow.

DECEMBER 2, 2012

Chicago -- The Seahawks eliminate the Bears, retrospectively of course, from the NFL playoff picture on a glorious afternoon: Russell Wilson destroys Chicago's collective will with two masterful late-game TD drives of 80-plus yards, one in the fourth quarter to take the lead, one in overtime to seal the deal.

DECEMBER 9, 2012

Seattle, WA -- The Hawks help ensure the firing of Cardinals head coach Ken Whisenhunt, retrospectively, by detonating the Arizona roster 58-0 in a game that was not as close as the final score indicated.

DECEMBER 16, 2012

Toronto, NY -- Seattle guarantees the Bills an 18th eighth consecutive losing season by annihilating them 50-something in front of some of their closest acquaintances, plus this guy, who retrospectively wished he'd kept his pants on, in suburban Buffalo.

DECEMBER 23, 2012

Seattle, WA -- The Niners are denied a chance to clinch the NFC West and are instead treated to a humiliating 42-13 defeat that forces them to play all their starters the following week against Arizona. /Nelson laugh/ Retrospectively, SF will be remembered as the third team in a December parlay that allowed a total of 150 points to Seattle in the space of three games.

DECEMBER 30, 2012

Seattle, WA -- The Seahawks bestow upon the Rams another losing season! And their first division loss! Merry Christmas! Retrospectively!

JANUARY 6, 2013

Dirt Field Next To My Son's Elementary School -- Seattle advances in the NFL playoffs with a 24-14 victory over Washington, which, retrospectively, never had a chance after the first quarter ended. The Skins' last three playoff appearances have all ended at the merciless hands of the Seahawks.

Every week for some time now, the Hawks have been dashing the hopes of some helpless team.

Only three teams' seasons left to ruin.

Go Hawks.

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