The Seahawks have been hovering around the bottom spot on my rankings all season, but had not yet cracked 32. In earlier editions of this series, dating back to last April or so, I did have Seattle as 32, but when the season started it appeared that the Broncos offense was just on point and they had an easier road to the playoffs. Since I want to incorporate both the strength of the team and a possible draft order, I need to consider elements outside of just whether or not the Seahawks are better than Denver.
(I know that the final four spots of the draft order are determined by playoff results, just bear with me here.)
After the Broncos loss to the Colts on Sunday night, I think I'm prepared to say that Seattle is the best team in the NFL and also should finish with the league's best record.
The SBNation power rankings put the Chiefs on top, but I am unable to see how a 17-16 win over the Texans at home with Case Keenum at quarterback can be overlooked just because of a 7-0 record. Comparisons to the 2000 Baltimore Ravens are premature and now I really am starting to consider their schedule. They've beaten some of the worst teams in the league, they've played more home games than road, they have turned the ball over eight times in the last four games. I still think Kansas City could go 13-3, but could be one-and-done in the playoffs.
There is only one team in the NFL that has a great offense, great defense, and great special teams. The Seahawks will be adding star players as the season goes on, their remaining strength of schedule sets up for a 8-1 or 9-0 finish, and they could be less than a week away from a 4-1 start on the road.
Seattle will be playing on national television next Monday, though the matchup may not be as intriguing as ESPN hoped before the year, due to the Rams disappointing season and a significant missing piece on offense. Still, I know of at least one fanbase that's excited to see the Monday night crew come to the Northwest once again. I could get used to this...
National television. National television. National television. National television...
(a pink border surrounds your computer screen and starts to blur into a dream sequence)
1. Jaguars (0-7) Last week: 1
Outsourced (the NBC sitcom version of the independent movie) was so obviously a bad idea from the beginning and it then proceeded to be awful and ruin what was otherwise a great Thursday night lineup.
Up next: vs 49ers
2. Buccaneers (0-6) Last week: 3
All of the elements of The Walking Dead should come together to make a really good show, but after giving it chance-after-chance, at a certain point you just have to give up and accept that it doesn't work. Relevant: Creator Frank Darabont was fired after two seasons.
Up next: vs Panthers, Thursday
3. Giants (1-6) Last week: 2
Let's put something called The Paul Reiser Show on our most popular night because relying on someone that was popular ages ago, and even overrated back then, is definitely a recipe for success.
Up next: at Eagles
4. Vikings (1-5) Last week: 5
Do you remember that 10 years ago there was a sitcom with Charlie Day (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia), Masi Oka (Heroes), Malcolm Barrett (Better Off Ted), and Reggie Lee (Grimm) so why was it unsuccessful? Because why the fuck would you center an entire self-titled show around Luis Guzman?
Up next: vs Packers, Sunday night
5. Rams (3-4) Last week: 9
A lot of people thought that Terra Nova was going to be a good show and a ratings hit. A lot of people were wrong.
Up next: vs Seahawks, Monday night
6. Texans (2-5) Last week: 11
There were eight seasons of Entourage. How the fuck were there eight seasons of Entourage? I admit that I watched every single episode and for the first four seasons I was still hypnotized by "oh this is how celebrities live!" but how the fuck were there eight seasons of Entourage? And they're probably going to make a movie.
By the last few seasons of Entourage, I just kept telling myself "You have to stick it out, you have to keep watching, even if it's so horrible to watch, maybe at some point you'll feel like it's good again."
It was never good again.
(Some people are going to be really upset that I called Entourage a stupid show. You're bad at television.)
Up next: Bye
7. Steelers (2-4) Last week: 4
In 2005, Everybody Loves Raymond beat out Arrested Development for Outstanding Comedy Series at the Emmys. Like, are you fucking kidding me? Who the fuck is still around in 2013, bitch?
Up next: at Raiders
8. Raiders (2-4) Last week: 8
The fact that Two and a Half Men is one of the most popular shows of the century is not a good sign for our society. The fact that it's just as popular with Ashton Kutcher replacing Charlie Sheen is probably two signs away from the apocalypse.
Up next: vs Steelers
9. Falcons (2-4) Last week: 6
Don't tell me that The Cleveland Show is good just because Seth MacFarlane is involved and it's a spinoff of Family Guy. It's not good. It's stupid. It resembles something that is good, and that's it.
Up next: at Cardinals
10. Bills (3-4) Last week: 10
There was a time in the nineties when I thought that MadTV was the best thing ever. Then I grew up and saw how bad and pathetic it became, eventually just becoming a place that churned out good comedians for shows on other networks.
Up next: at Saints
11. Redskins (2-4) Last week: 7
One of the people they spun off of MadTv was Frank Caliendo. You probably know him best for his impressions on FOX NFL Sunday (since replaced by Rob Riggle) but do you also remember FrankTV? You think you can center an entire sketch show around one person that seems like he can do it all and then... hmmm. Maybe not.
Up next: at Broncos
12. Browns (3-4) Last week: 15
My darkest television secret is a very real addiction to Big Brother, despite how much it angers me when I watch it. Not just because the contestants are awful, but I hate myself for loving it so much.
Up next: at Chiefs
13. Eagles (3-4) Last week: 16
In certain ways I think that Chevy Chase's career was setup for success out of the gate. Not that he isn't a talented comedic actor, but as successful as he was on SNL and the Vacation movies, The Chevy Chase Show is often derided as probably the worst talk show ever. Maybe that was a fish too far out of water. Luckily, after the talk show was cancelled 14 episodes in, he was able to get back to the movies and now we have Cops and Robbersons. Thank the Lord for that.
Up next: vs Giants
14. Titans (3-4) Last week: 14
If an episode of Law & Order: SVU is on TV and even one-percent of energy requires me to change the channel, I will just watch SVU. If even one-percent of energy is required for me to put on SVU, I won't expend that energy, I'll just watch something else. Despite being a show about sex crimes, it is probably the most averagely-satisfying show of all-time.
Up next: Bye
15. Jets (4-3) Last week: 13
They have called American Idol a "juggernaut" of TV ratings, but most people only watch the audition rounds to see people literally die on television. Some viewers just want to see the world burn.
Up next: at Bengals
16. Dolphins (3-4) Last week: 17
People seem to rave about The Big Bang Theory but I don't get it.
Up next: at Patriots
17. Bears (4-3) Last week: 23
All the elements seem to be there for The Killing to be a great show but by the end of every season I literally want to kill myself for having sat through all of that waiting for it to get better and it only got progressively worse.
Up next: Bye
18. Cardinals (3-4) Last week: 19
Technically The 700 Club is a television show that has been around for 47 years. Technically. But has anyone actually ever seen it? A lot of things "technically" exist.
Up next: vs Falcons
19. Ravens (3-4) Last week: 21
Dexter came onto the scene with a major splash of amazing television and stayed that way for a few years but slowly started to fade away. It was always a solid must-watch for it's entire run but by the end of last season it really, really started to get bad.
Though Dexter had a terrible finale, I must say that I still came away respecting the hell out of that motherfucker and his stupid cop friends.
Up next: Bye
20. Chargers (4-3) Last week: 12
American Horror Story is a really, really good show but I'm not sure they ever know how to end a season properly.
Up next: Bye
21. Cowboys (4-3) Last week: 18
Bak in the nineties, The Simpsons was on and maybe it was the best sitcom of all-time. It's still around and FOX is still shoving it down our throats trying to convince us that it's as good as it's always been. It's not.
Up next: at Lions
22. Lions (4-3) Last week: 22
I don't talk to people about True Blood because nobody else seems to talk about it and I feel weird for watching it due to that fact. Plus, I also kind of know that it's a bad show but I won't stop watching it because it's got some of those superficial elements that I like. Things you can't show on network television.
Up next: vs Cowboys
23. Panthers (3-3) Last week: 21
I also never hear people talk about Boardwalk Empire. Does anyone realize how damn good Boardwalk Empire is?
Up next: at Bucs, Thursday
24. Patriots (5-2) Last week: 29
I think sometimes a show like LOST eventually gets underrated after awhile because of how popular it was, and then we tend to think of an "above-average" season for something so good as being "bad." When it reality, it was above-average, if not really good.
Up next: vs Dolphins
25. Bengals (5-2) Last week: 24
I don't know many people that watched the first two or three episodes of The Wire and thought "I want to watch five seasons of this." But if you stick it out to the middle of the first season, you probably won't do anything else in your life until you finish the whole series.
Up next: vs Jets
26. Packers (4-2) Last week: 26
Is Californication a good show or do we just think it's a good show because of all the sexy things?
Up next: at Vikings, Sunday night
27. 49ers (5-2) Last week: 27
Maybe Downton Abbey is amazing, but every time I try to watch it I immediately want to be doing something else. Plus I think I just get more joy out of making fun of people for liking Downton Abbey, even if it's really good, because fuck those hoity-toity motherfuckers.
Up next: at Jaguars
28. Saints (5-1) Last week: 28
There is a difference in television between "good" and "amazing" and it doesn't necessarily effect whether or not a show is watchable. A lot of shows are watchable. I watched that coupon clipping show for a day because what the fuck, but with drama, there's major differences between "good" and "amazing." For example, "You should watch Big Love, it's good." and "You have to watch Homeland, it's amazing."
Homeland is so good, go watch it right now.
Up next: vs Bills
29. Chiefs (7-0) Last week: 30
People did not really appreciate Freaks and Geeks during it's run from 1999-2000. It was cancelled after 18 episodes and only a few people really got upset about that, but those people were furious and heartbroken. It wouldn't take long, thanks to DVD, for people to start to realize what they had missed, but by then, Seth Rogen and James Franco were movie stars. Freaks and Geeks is one of the most talented shows ever, but we couldn't see it for that at the time.
Up next: vs Browns
30. Colts (5-2) Last week: 25
I've tried to tell people why Mad Men is such a good show before, but I can't. It's not something you can describe, it's only something you can watch. "You should watch Mad Men"
"Why? What's it about?"
"Umm... ad executives in the sixties?"
"Uhhh.. no thanks."
Just watch it. Fuck, yes, it's so good.
Up next: Bye
31. Broncos (6-1) Last week: 32
At some point in the last decade, the quality of television started to get better due to things like cable not having restrictions on what they could say or show ("shit" and boobs and violence) (shit and boobs and violence is the name of my Rammstein cover band) and the budgets became manageable due to the fact that you could shoot it on digital instead of film. For example, how different is Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones at this point? Really?
When that started happening, movie stars started to become TV stars. Once Keifer Sutherland starred in 24 and showed that you could do better on television than you could in film, other actors started following suit. Now you'll see Kevin Spacey star in House of Cards and just keep thinking "Fuck, you started the race with a two-lap lead, you have Kevin fucking Spacey!"
Up next: vs Redskins
32. Seahawks (6-1) Last week: 31
That last one was about House of Cards, not Game of Thrones. But this one is about Game of Thrones.
When it's GoT season, fuck every other show. I look at other shows with disgust for not being GoT. My life revolves around it and it's the only thing that matters. What element about GoT is not amazing? According to Imdb, no actor has appeared in every episode of GoT, Peter Dinklage has been in 28 of 30 episodes, which is the most. Why?
Because this isn't a show based around one character or actor, this is an ensemble of a shitload of amazing actors and characters. One week you're wondering "What shit is Khaleesi going to get into now?" and the next you're thinking "I hate you so God damn much Cersei but I love you!"
The acting, the directing, the writing, the sets, the story... Oh God Game of Thrones stop having offseasons! I love you so much! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Up next: Rams on Monday
(I'm picturing a world where every episode of Game of Thrones starts with "Ahhh yeah!! Ahhh yeah!! Ahh yeah!!" from Entourage. Which would just be awful. If I could make an analogy, that would be like... The Seahawks starting Christian Ponder at quarterback. Hmmm, analogies. Maybe I should try that in my next Power Rankings article.)