This week on Twitter, Danny Kelly, aka "The Man About Town," said some things along the line of this:
Like I said, my main point is to try not to get too worked up about roller coaster ride of weekly narratives.— Danny Kelly (@FieldGulls) December 9, 2013
Well, I think we can all agree that we don't know what he's talking about. People do not overreact to week-to-week goings-ons, and ranking the teams in some sort of order based mostly on what just happened is absolutely imperative otherwise why do we play the games?
Anyways, that has nothing to do with what's about to transpire in these unPower Rankings. Here they are:
1. Redskins (3-10) Last week: 5
As usual, it seems that a head coach is feuding with an owner for favoring a quarterback so much that it causes detriment to the team and the coach is probably leaving because of it but might bench the quarterback that was the rookie of the year the season prior for the final three games anyway. Anyone else getting tired of hearing this story every week?
Washington is giving up 45 points per game to teams named the "Chiefs," the most of any team in the NFL. Also giving up 41 points per game to teams that are "Bears" and 34 points to teams from Minnesota.
Up next: at Atlanta
2. Texans (2-11) Last week: 2
Houston fires the head coach every week, and it's hard to find consistency when you do that.
Up next: at Indianapolis
3. Raiders (4-9) Last week: 6
Up next: vs Kansas City
4. Jaguars (4-9) Last week: 1
Maybe Jacksonville is out of position to draft the quarterback everyone expected them to get, but who cares when Chad Henne is throwing two touchdowns every game and they look practically unbeatable. Especially against the Texans, clearly the best team in the AFC if we looked at what I wrote about them before the season.
Up next: vs Buffalo
5. Vikings (3-9-1) Last week: 3
If I have an issue with the way that Minnesota plays football, it's that they constantly insist on alternating four touchdowns over the final two minutes of every game. They'd be better if they weren't the most volatile team in sports history.
Up next: vs Philadelphia
6. Falcons (3-10) Last week: 4
Atlanta has never beaten Matt Flynn. Not even once.
Up next: vs Washington
7. Bills (4-9) Last week: 7
EJ "64 interceptions per season" Manuel could learn something from Geno "16 interceptions" Smith.
Up next: at Jacksonville
8. Titans (5-8) Last week: 10
Nobody gave up more points in 2012 than Tennessee. It's easy to see why, since they're giving up 51 points in games this year, last I checked.
Up next: vs Arizona
9. Browns (4-9) Last week: 11
They're almost certainly better than the Patriots, if not for one call and a lucky onside kick. At the very least, they've got Jason Campbell, an elite NFL QB once again.
Up next: vs Chicago
10. Buccaneers (4-9) Last week: 9
A Tampa-Jacksonville Super Bowl?
Up next: vs San Francisco
11. Packers (6-6-1) Last week: 8
The real question is, "Does Aaron Rodgers still have a job to come back to when he's cleared by team doctors?"
Up next: at Dallas
12. Giants (5-8) Last week: 15
And so we finally know once and for all, that the Chargers won that draft day trade for Philip Rivers.
Up next: vs Seattle
13. Steelers (5-8) Last week: 16
Mike Tomlin's moving "If only we could live in a world without "sidelines"" speech could change the way we live/eat/treat each other.
Up next: vs Cincinnati
14. Jets (6-7) Last week: 12
The. Best. Offense. In. The. NFL?
Up next: at Carolina
15. Rams (5-8) Last week: 13
Classic 0-16 Rams.
Up next: vs New Orleans
16. Dolphins (7-6) Last week: 14
Why wouldn't they be this successful, when they've got a running back as good as Daniel Thomas and a tight end as baller as Charles Clay? Not to mention an extraordinary amount of locker room chemistry.
Up next: vs New England
17. Chargers (6-7) Last week: 17
Can we just send Ryan Mathews to the Hall of Fame and San Diego to the Super Bowl, right now? It would save the rest of us a ton of time.
Up next: at Denver
18. Lions (7-6) Last week: 20
You're never going to win a Super Bowl when you're that terrible in eight inches of snow.
Up next: vs Baltimore
19. Ravens (7-6) Last week: 18
If I have an issue with the way Baltimore plays football, it's that they always let the other team take the lead once or twice during the final two minutes of the game, and I think they'd be better if they didn't play with fire like that. Even if it was planned.
Up next: at Detroit
20. Cowboys (7-6) Last week: 21
Up next: vs Green Bay
21. Bears (7-6) Last week: 19
With yet another MVP trophy going on the mantel of future Hall of Fame QB Josh McCown, what could go wrong for Chicago?
Up next: at Cleveland
22. Colts (8-5) Last week: 23
As usual, Andrew Luck throws four touchdown passes and it's everyone else's fault.
Up next: vs Houston
23. Eagles (8-5) Last week: 22
Dangerous in eight inches of snow.
Up next: at Minnesota
24. Chiefs (10-3) Last week: 25
No matter where, no matter who they're facing, Kansas City will win 45-10. As long as where is Washington and the team is the Redskins 32nd-ranked defense, which I assume is who they face every week.
Up next: at Oakland
25. Cardinals (8-5) Last week: 26
Why would the Bengals and Raiders ever let Carson Palmer go? He's playing every bit like a number one pick, as far back as I can remember, which is a couple of days worth of memory.
Up next: at Tennessee
26. Patriots (10-3) Last week: 30
Unbelievably lucky with results, unbelievably unfortunate with injuries.
(Breaking the fourth wall: That one is actually true.)
Up next: at Miami
27. Bengals (9-4) Last week: 24
They have been my Super Bowl pick since March and I never once switched my pick over to New England. Never once!
Up next: at Pittsburgh
28. Panthers (9-4) Last week: 31
If not for Tennessee, Washington, Dallas and Indianapolis, this may be the worst defense in the league.
Up next: vs NYJ
29. 49ers (9-4) Last week: 27
The Seahawks are obviously doomed.
Up next: at Tampa Bay
30. Broncos (11-2) Last week: 28
The Manning vs McCown debate rages on for yet another year among fans.
Up next: vs San Diego
31. Saints (10-3) Last week: 29
Looking back as far as their game against Carolina and I can tell you that this team simply does not lose. Not to anybody. They're unbeatable! Who could beat them?
Up next: at St. Louis
32. Seahawks (11-2) Last week: 32
How could they ever let Flynn go? He was clearly the answer from day one. Back in their last place spot here at 32 where they belong.
Up next: at NYG