NFL unPower Rankings, Week 16: Everybody sucks but us

Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports

You never know when it'll be your last day on top of the mountain. Look at Caesar. Julius Caesar.

Only two more weeks left to arbitrarily rank teams for no specific purpose!

Here are 31 teams that suck and the Seattle Seahawks:

1. Redskins (3-11) Last week: 1

It would have been interesting to see how they would have played the final moments against the Falcons, if someone had just told them that they actually don't have a first round pick next season so moving up in the draft is pointless.

Up next: vs Dallas

2. Texans (2-12) Last week: 2

Case Keenum is doing his first great thing as franchsie quarterback of the Houston Texans: Put them in position to draft the future franchise quarterback of the Houston Texans.

Up next: vs Denver

3. Raiders (4-10) Last week: 3

Oakland has given up nearly as many points in their last seven games (243) as the Seahawks have allowed in their last 18 regular season games (248.)

Up next: at San Diego

4. Jaguars (4-10) Last week: 4

Have scored 135 points over their last six games (22.5 PPG) compared to 86 points over their first eight games (10.75 PPG.)

Up next: vs Tennessee

5. Falcons (4-10) Last week: 6

Overall, a pretty crappy team. But if you look at it on an individual-by-individual basis... a pretty crappy team. Otherwise, how do you get four wins, including barely beating the Bills and Redskins? The best team that the Falcons have beaten was the 6-8 Rams, all the way back in Week 2.

Up next: at San Francisco

6. Bills (5-9) Last week: 7

A month into the season, the Bills were 2-2 and had beaten the Panthers and Ravens, with a two-point loss to the Patriots. They're 2-2 over their last four games, with wins over the Jaguars and Jets plus losses to the Falcons and Buccaneers.

On the show Homeland, Saul calls Carrie "the smartest and the dumbest f$#%ing person I've ever met."

Up next: vs Miami

7. Titans (5-9) Last week: 8

The AFC West, NFC South and NFC West are all guaranteed to have a second-place team with at least 10 wins. The AFC South is guaranteed that it's second-place team will finish with a losing record.

Up next: at Jacksonville

8. Browns (4-10) Last week: 9

The once impressive-looking defense that didn't allow more than 31 points in any of their first nine games, has allowed an average of 33 points over their last five and ranks 22nd in DVOA. Still the most unbelievable stat this year might be that Brian Hoyer went 3-0 with this team.

Up next: at NYJ

9. Vikings (4-9-1) Last week: 5

A ridiculous set of events against the Ravens and a dumb-stupid-dumb tie against the Packers from being 5-1 over their last six games, including one without the only player we thought was worth a damn on that offense.

Up next: at Cincinnati

10. Giants (5-9) Last week: 12

The only team in the NFL to be shutout this year, and they did it twice. I somehow managed to over-estimate Eli Manning in my column this season. (Don't worry, we play the NFC East next year.)

Up next: at Detroit

11. Buccaneers (4-10) Last week: 10

Played the 49ers about as well as could be expected and closer than the final score suggests, but Doug Martin would've been awfully helpful during this turnaround.

Up next: at St. Louis

12. Steelers (6-8) Last week: 13

From my understanding, not technically eliminated from the playoffs yet. Which is really upsetting to me.

Up next: at Green Bay

13. Jets (6-8) Last week: 14

I think GM John Idzik is representing the Seahawks name quite well so far, and will let Rex Ryan take the blame for the offense before potentially firing him.

Up next: vs Cleveland

14. Cowboys (7-7) Last week: 20

It seems like a big rise up the unPower Rankings for Dallas, but this isn't reactionary to one game. It's just... if you can't beat the Packers at home without Aaron Rodgers, and you have a worse record than the Packers without Aaron Rodgers, how can I place you above the Packers without Aaron Rodgers.

I've been telling people to "sell" on the Cowboys for months before the season started, I had Jason Garrett atop my hot seats and such, ("trademarked: Hot Seats and Such) and I'd say that was the game that sealed the deal.

Up next: at Washington

15. Packers (7-6-1) Last week: 11

Matt Flynn would be stupid to leave Green Bay, Green Bay would be stupid to let him leave, any other team would be stupid to sign him to be a starter. Seems like it's all wrapped up in a nice little package, to me.

Up next: vs Pittsburgh

16. Rams (6-8) Last week: 15

The scary part is that St. Louis is in a bigger position of power in next year's draft than they were when they accepted that bounty for Robert Griffin.

Up next: vs Tampa Bay

17. Lions (7-7) Last week: 18

I struggle to come to grips with my decision to ever believe in Detroit. Matt Stafford is definitely a good quarterback, definitely better than most quarterbacks that try to play professional football, but will he ever been a "good enough" quarterback? Well, they're locked into it long-term, so... goodbye, Jim Schwartz?

Up next: vs NYG

18. Dolphins (8-6) Last week: 16

Miami lost to the Ravens, so winning out wouldn't guarantee them a wild card, but with two weeks left they're still alive for the AFC East. I think after the dust settles, you'll probably see Ryan Tannehill playing in the Pro Bowl after his second season, he's like a poor man's Russell Wilson!

Up next: at Buffalo

19. Chargers (7-7) Last week: 17

They beat the Broncos and they also lost to the top three teams on this list.

"The smartest and the dumbest f%@#ing person..."

Up next: vs Oakland

20. Ravens (8-6) Last week: 19

Win or lose, nine of their 14 games have been decided by three points or less. That's just a team I can't trust, either way, and I'm not sure I want them in my playoffs.

Up next: vs New England

21. Bears (8-6) Last week: 21

Jay Cutler threw more interceptions in his first start back than Josh McCown has all season, but they won. I'm sure that will keep working.

Up next: at Philadelphia

22. Colts (9-5) Last week: 22

The only teams they've beaten since October are the Texans and Titans.

Up next: at Kansas City

23. Eagles (8-6) Last week: 23

Everybody's entitled to a loss, but no good team is entitled to an 18-point loss to the Vikings without Adrian Peterson.

Up next: vs Chicago

24. Patriots (10-4) Last week: 26

Continuing the "Everybody sucks but us" tour, the Pats lose Gronkowski and then lose to the Dolphins. Which really could have been their fifth-straight loss if not for a lot of second half magic over the past month.

Up next: at Baltimore

25. Bengals (9-5) Last week: 27

And as soon as I flip-flopped back from the Patriots to the Bengals, Cincinnati loses to Pittsburgh. The Bengals are 6-0 at home, 3-5 on the road, and blew their best chance at a bye week.

Up next: vs Minnesota

26. Chiefs (11-3) Last week: 24

And now, maybe they actually are the second-best team in the AFC. That crappy, crappy AFC.

Up next: vs Indianapolis

27. Cardinals (9-5) Last week: 25

Yes, I would put the Cardinals over every AFC team except the Broncos. And they won't even make the NFC playoffs.

Up next: at Seattle

28. Panthers (10-4) Last week: 28

Carolina is 6-1 at home, New Orleans is 7-0 at home. And this one game likely determines who makes it further, or possibly even farther, in the playoffs.

Up next: vs New Orleans

29. Saints (10-4) Last week: 31

I'm probably picking the Panthers to win this weekend, because they are at home and it seems unlikely that the Saints could beat the Panthers at Carolina. As noted before, but the opposite: The Saints are 3-4 on the road.

Up next: at Carolina

30. Broncos (11-3) Last week: 30

Even though they lost, do I have to keep repeating how bad the AFC is? But also that Manning has only won a playoff game in four of his 12 trips to the postseason? And many of those were home losses.

Everybody. Sucks. But. Us.

Up next: at Houston

31. 49ers (10-4) Last week: 29

Especially San Francisco, they suck the most!

Up next: vs Atlanta

32. Seahawks (12-2) Last week: 32

Currently the number one scoring defense for the second year in a row, in position to finish first in total defense for the first time in franchise history, 12 wins for the third time in franchise history, +175 point differential is close to best in franchise history (2005, +181), top five scoring offense for fourth time in franchise history.

The only team that doesn't suck.

Up next: vs Arizona

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