Mocking the Mock



I hate mock drafts. They are rarely helpful or informative, at least in respect to the Seahawks. However, they are hilarious to parody and make ludicrous fake mocks. I posted this on my own blog over the last two weeks (I needed a break from my 4 research papers). I had fun with it and hope you enjoy reading it.

I'm throwing some fiction at you! I've selected heroes and villains from comics and cartoons in an effort to amuse everyone. I feel like the Field Gulls community can appreciate this as much as my mom and my nine stalkers. So here it is, the first and only round of my Mocking the Mock draft.

1. Kansas City Chiefs - Bruce Wayne, QB Gotham College

The Chiefs need a master of deception and evasion. Wayne has that, his college teammates called him "the Batman" because he could fly around the field with the agility of a bat. He's extremely intelligent, he was a quadruple major at Gotham. He's very much in the new mobile yet accurate model of QB. He rarely misses his target and is said to have a "utility belt" of physical tools. His work ethic is world famous and he rarely gets overwhelmed in or out of the pocket. The Chiefs need a leader, a controller if you will, "the Batman" is that guy.

2. Jacksonville Jaguars - Lion-O, DE/LB Thundera State

Gus Bradley is looking for a LEO to make this defense somewhat good. Lion-O was the leader and captain of the vaunted "Thundercat" defense at TSU. He accumulated a lot of sacks and tackles against lesser competition but still his talent is obvious. He can extend his range seemingly with a word, seriously watch the tape, the guy makes hits I thought were impossible. Bradley likes these kind of guys, tough and physical yet smart and full of leadership potential. Not to mention Lion-O the most natural LEO we've seen in years.

3. Oakland Raiders - Prince Vegeta, CB Sayain University

The Raiders like players with pride who can ball. Vegeta certainly has his pride and is known to be pretty super, especially later in his career. He is a little rough around the edges, personality wise, and undersized but that shouldn't bother Oakland. He plays with a kind of intensity that you find in very few players and is known to deliver the big bang. Vegeta is the type of guy you can build a team around if you're smart about it. He has excellent speed and coverage skills, he's also known to be relentless in his pursuit. This would be an awesome pick.

4. Philadelphia Eagles - Barry Allen, WR Keystone State

Chip Kelly was all about speed at Oregon, there is no reason to assume he won't be in Philly. So, with that in mind, he can't help but select "the Flash" at number four overall. Allen is fast. No, that is an understatement he is damn fucking fast. He very well maybe the fastest man alive. That being said, there are concerns over his durability and hands. He may move too fast for QBs and his route running can be sloppy. I think his speed is worth the pick but if he gets hurt, watch out Chip.

5. Detroit Lions - Peter Parker, CB Empire State

It is no secret the Lions need to shore up their defensive back field. Parker is the solution to Detroit's coverage woes. He spins a defensive web that halts all comers and is strong enough to play press. It seems that he almost prefers to work alone on the outside. I can see "Spidey", as he's been known since high school, being the defensive counterpart to Megatron. Parker has speed, strength and the ability to stick to wideouts. Don't underestimate his intelligence either, kid was a science major at ESU.

6. Cleveland Browns - Cain Marko, DE Magento Commonwealth

Cleveland's new owner wants to make a big splash. There is no better way to do that than by selecting a guy who simply can't be stopped. Marko is a big bodied DE with some good speed. He's just a great football player, he bursts through lines like a wrecking ball. There's not much more than can be said about this guy. Other than, you know, "he's the Juggernaut...BITCH!"

7. Arizona Cardinals - Son Goku, QB Sayain University

The Cards need a QB. They have a damned good defense and are wasting Larry Fitzgerald. With Goku this inefficiency will end. Goku is fast and strong armed yet accurate with a funky throwing motion. The unique thing about this guy is that he seems to get stronger every time he's knocked down, there is no quit in this kid. He's a bit of a gambler, he will unintentionally keep games closer than they should be, but loves facing the tough competition. The only concern is Goku's intelligence, he's not the brightest star in the sky.

8. Buffalo Bills - James "Logan" Howlett, OLB Xavier College

Ah yes, everyone's favorite Canadian, they call him "Wolverine". He's a ferocious tackler and can sniff out any play. There is zero injury risk here. The Bills really need a pass rushing OLB to pair with Mario Williams and this Logan guy can lay the smack down. He likes to go solo sometimes so there may be some disciplinary issues but his talent far outweighs the risks.

9. New York Jets - Clark Kent, QB Smallville College

Rex Ryan is 550 corded to the "hot seat" and needs to find a solution at QB not named Sanchez or Tebow. Lucky for Ryan, this Kent kid is some kind of superman from outer space. He can run like a world class sprinter and hit harder than anyone when blocking. He has a cannon for and arm and deadly accuracy, he seems to have laser vision or something. Kent may be the best player in this draft but because he comes from a small school he will be overlooked.

10. Tennessee Titans - Ben Grimm, OG Empire State

The Titans seem to be sticking to the Jake Locker experiment, for now. It makes sense they would select a quality lineman to help protect him. Grimm is a guy who shows up on tape when its "clobbering time" and should help revitalize CJ2K and the running game. Grimm had a bizarre accident when he was a freshmen but seems to have recovered nicely. He's strong and tough, his entire body is made of stone but that doesn't mean he's slow by any means. He's part of those fantastic four or five seniors that are coming out of ESU. This would be the thing to do for the Titans.

11. San Diego Chargers - Bruce Banner, OT Penn State

Banner may look mild mannered and small in street clothes but get him on the field and get the anger going and he's a hulk. He's a good blocker and has the size you need, don't sleep on his speed either. he's kind of a loose cannon and can fly off the handle, so character issues. However, he's worth the risk for any team that needs to protect its QB. Banner has big, strong hands and can take on multiple defenders. The Chargers like a little anger and passion out of their marquee players, look at Phillip Rivers, so this should be a no brainer.

12. Miami Dolphins - Junior Piccolo, SS Mt. Namek

The 'Phins need some help in that secondary. There are a few guys in this draft that would help but none of them has the pure talent of this Piccolo guy. He has some fantastic coverage skills and can fly around the field like some kind of dinosaur. He's not a finesse player though, he hits violently, like a special beam cannon or something. All I'm saying is, if you're a ball carrier: "DODGE!". Piccolo is also very instinctual, he listens to the calls of the offense and can usually figure out right where the ball is going. It's worth noting that this guy is the son of fellow hard hitter King Piccolo.

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Vermilion Snorlax, DT Diglett Cave College

The Bucs need a way to stop the run. I can't find a better guy to stop people from getting through holes than this Snorlax kid. He will block the way for backs and linemen alike. There are some issues with his work ethic, he's been known to sleep a lot, but there is no doubt he gets the job done. If he's motivated properly this guy can take out anyone. Given that Greg Schiano is a master motivator, I could see this being the steal of the draft.

14. Carolina Panthers - Panthro, DE Thundera State

The Panthers have been looking for a replacement for Jullius Peppers since he left. Well, this guy seems to be the solution to that problem. Panthro is a rare 6th year Senior and was part of that Lion-O lead "Thundercat" defense at TSU. He's basically a Peppers clone, except he's faster and stronger. Panthro is a rare type of player, he's as good off the field as he is on. I think this kid will be a stabilizing force in that locker room and give guys on defense someone to look up to.

15. New Orleans Saints - Bane Dorrance, DT Santa Prisca

The Saints had a historically bad defense in 2012. As with everything in football, the only way to improve their dismal D is to win the war in the trenches. This Bane kid will do that for you. He's big and nasty, there are rumors he's broken a few backs. PED accusations, because of his "Venom" use, might force him out of the first round but he's such a dynamic player it's worth the risk.

16. St. Louis Rams - Kilowag Lantern, OT Oa State

The Rams first pick should go to offensive line. They need to protect Sam Bradford to really see what they have at QB. This kid is a quality pick, small school but still a good pick. He is adept at pass blocking and can deliver some punishment if asked. He's a mentoring type in the locker room and has his unique slang term, "poozer" to call out slackers. This guy is technically sound but with some attitude. The Rams have two picks after fleecing the Redskins so watch out.

17. Pittsburgh Steelers - Thor Odinson, DE/OLB Asgard University

This guy moves like lightning and hits like thunder. He's a god-like freak of nature or a Scandinavian JJ Watt. The Steelers and that aging defense need to replenish, especially since their rival just won the Super Bowl. While this isn't a pressing need, they need a guy who can afford sit a bit before wielding the hammer. Odinson is just the guy to do that. He can be brash and has a big ego but a coach like Mike Tomlin could humble him.

18. Dallas Cowboys - Ash Ketchum, WR Pallettown College

In true Jerry Jones form, the Cowboys will go with the "sexy" pick instead of addressing their actual issues. Not to say this is a bad pick, Ketchum can catch'em all. He has even been known to throw a ball or two on occasion. He seems to be perpetually fresh and young despite taking some hits. This kid has some character concerns, he's stolen a few bikes, and isn't the brightest kid. He seems to run the wrong route against defenses often, but his catching ability is what will intrigue Dallas.

19. New York Giants - Steve Rogers, ILB United States Military Academy

Rogers is like the linebacker version of Rodger Staubach. He's clean cut, full of leadership and a New York native. Talking about his intangibles first doesn't mean the kid can't play. He was a stand out for West Point in their bigger games ending the year with 13 sacks. The Giants need this guy, but they might have to wait for his military service to end. He's worth the wait though.

20. Chicago Bears - Billy Batson, TE Fawcett

The Bears need a lot of things for a team with a winning record. They need an entire new line, weapons for Jay Cutler, and a few piece on defense. You can't fill all those needs in one draft and I think new HC Marc Trestman will look to fix the offense first, SHAZAM! this kid does just that. Batson is a marvel at TE and was a captain in college. He's magically fast and makes wise decisions for a young player. This kid can block extremely well and will go a long way towards helping Jay Cutler stay up right.

21. Cincinnati Bengals - Sonic Sega, WR Genesis

This guy is a small, shifty slot receiver with world class speed. His default rout running speed seems to be supersonic and would give the Bengals a new weapon for Andy Dalton. In college, the called him "Hedgehog" because of his signature hairdo. This kid can come off as cocky sometimes but his talent backs it up. Don't sleep him, Sonic Sega may be the steal of the draft.

22. St. Louis Rams (from Washington Redskins) - Hal Jordan, SS Oa State

With their second pick the Rams go back to another Oa State player. Jordan is a former USAFA transfer that tore it up in a major conference. He's outstanding out in space and in deep coverage. He's not a hard hitter in the traditional sense but with so many deflections he doesn't need to be. The Rams are fortunate to get two picks that fill needs. Watch out NFC West, Jeff Fisher wants to make you his bitch.

23. Minnesota Vikings - Dick Grayson, WR Gotham College

The Vikings will porbably need to replace Harvin in the draft and this kid looks to be a candidate. Grayson started off as the back up QB a GC to Wayne but moved to WR so he could make a name for himself. In their offense he played the "night wing" position, which is a WR/RB hybrid. He's fast and agile but can deliver punishment to would be tacklers. He's shifty with great route running ability, his position switch may have saved his career. His time as a back up also gives him the intelligence to dissect defenses and take advantage of mistakes. He may move up the draft board due to the Combine.

24. Indianapolis Colts - Eddie Brock, DE/LB Empire State

The Colts need to fix that defense, it was laughable in 2012. Getting a ferocious DE with some venom will go a long way. This guy is not your traditional DE/LB hybrid, he's built to take on linemen and can even go back into coverage. He is kind of what Aaron Curry was supposed to be, except he operates on almost all instinct. Indy will be happy to have this guy lining up to sack the QB for a decade plus. Helping the defense helps Andrew Luck's production.

25. Seattle Seahawks - Guts Gambino, DE Midland University

In true Pete Carroll and John Schneider style, the Seahawks will select the best pick no one has ever heard of. This Guts guy is ruthless, he just goes berserk on offenses. He seems to be an unstoppable, he knows how to swing the big sword, if you will. He's got the size you want, he stands 6' 3" and is built to take down everyone. This kid has some past scars but is loyal to those that deserve it. His style and ability are exactly what the Seahawks are looking for in a pass rusher.

26. Green Bay Packers - Loki Odinson, CB Asgard University

The Packers need a lot of help in that secondary and this kid can help that. Loki is the adopted brother of fellow first rounder Thor Odinson. This guy is excellent at disguising both blitzes and coverages, some might say he's a master of illusion. He's not a hard hitter but he plays smart. He can be arrogant and will be beat because of over confidence but always comes back the next play with an impact.

27. Houston Texans - Johnny Storm, WR Empire State

The Texans need to add to their passing attack, they need a someone who can blaze down the field. Storm has explosive speed and can light the sidelines on fire with his play. In college they called him "the Human Torch" because as soon as he got the ball, he lit the way to the end zone. He's an excellent candidate to pair with Andre Johnson to get the Texans over the hump. Storm is another one of those fantastic four or five players form ESU.

28. Denver Broncos - Hank McCoy, ILB Xavier College

This guy is a solid player, he's smart and tough. He hits like a wild animal and has great ball skills. McCoy is a self proclaimed beast and if he continues his play into the pros he deserves the moniker. Denver needs quality players on defense if they want to win with Peyton Manning. This kid should fit their scheme and will anchor that defense for Fox and Co.

29. New England Patriots - Shadow Robotnik, WR Eggman University

In all likelihood, the Patriots will need to replace Wes Welker through the draft. This kid plays with a bit of chaos in his game but can reign it in with proper coaching. He compares favorably with Sonic Sega (Genesis) and is in such great shape his college coaches called him "the Ultimate Life Form". I don't know about all that, I just know he's worth the pick here. Tom Brady isn't getting any younger, after all.

30. Atlanta Falcons - Reed Richards, TE Empire State

I've mentioned the fantastic four or five guys coming out of ESU before. If those guys are good, this guy is "Mr. Fantastic". Richards has excellent hands and good blocking ability. His true value is in the way he stretches the field and goes up long and gets balls. He's a smart player, he majored in some science I didn't know existed. A lot of people will call this a reach but he's worth the pick, especially with Gonzalez retiring.

31. San Francisco 49ers - Juan "Krillin" Sanchez, WR Roshi Tech

Colin Kaepernick needs someone other than Michael Crabtree to throw to. A smaller, slot type receiver is what the 49ers need to finally get that ring. There are some character issues here, Sanchez may or may not be his real name. There are rumors that he faked his own death to pay for college.All that aside, this guy has excellent hands and can handle punishment in the open field. He can block well for a wide out, which should benefit the read option run game.

32. Baltimore Ravens - Remy LeBeau, SS Xavier University

It looks like Ed Reed won't be returning to Baltimore in 2013. The World Champions need to find a replacement. LeBeau is as hard a hitter as anyone, he can seemingly manipulate kinetic energy and blow guys up. He has average speed and coverage skills but in the right system he could be a star. He played the "Gambit" position in college, which means he blitzed almost every down. The Ravens like to make smart moves on defense, this would be one of them.

There you have it! I hope you all enjoyed my attempt at humor. If you didn't like it, please tell me I suck. I'll go waste my time doing other things. If this is received like a Russell Wilson pass I will do another one. I'm thinking historical figures, that's my bread and butter after all. Do you agree with my assessments? If not feel free to tell me.

As always, GO HAWKS!

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