USA TODAY Sports
Draft punk? Maybe. But when the NFL Draft is finished in April, ESPN and other publications will be looking for punny headlines. I got the broad jump on 'em.
The NFL Draft is now a couple of months away and when it goes down, the journalists will be out in full force to use their many years of schooling and experience as professionals... to come up with the most punny headlines. Good work on getting that Ivy League degree!
Even worse is that I'm about to beat them to the punch on as many of those headlines as I can today. These are so funny they'll make you poop your pants, so let's get sharted;
Luke, Andy Reid is your father
If it Joeck's like a duck and it Joeck's like a duck, he must have been drafted by Chip Kelly
Luke what we have here
Luke Joeckel-meanie: Better tackle than Breno Giacomini
Geno Smith -
Hear no evil, Geno evil
Geno Davis: I can't really tell if rookie is hot or not
Matthew? I Barkley know you
Bark for quark: Rookie QB is elementary particle that hopes for forum nucleus of strong foundation
I picked the Sharrif, and he will be the new DT
Team picked the Sharrif, and they did not pick Lotulelei
Double baco cheeseburger, it's for a cop: Chiefs pick guy with first name that is like the ranking of a police officer, get it?
Werner Hurts-og: New defensive end plans to bring the pain, but with beautiful style
Nothing 'baby' about this Bjoern
Bjoern to be mild: New Browns rookie underwhelms fanbase
Bjoern to be heiled: All hail the German king of Detroit
Jarvis Jones -
Jarvis Hearts: Welcome to the city of brotherly love
Jarvis Flies: "No Excuses" for rookie
Jar-Jar Jones: Is rookie biggest mistake in history of franchise?
Ezekiel 25:17: The path of the righteous man is beset in Oakland
Ezekiel 25:17: Does Marcellus Wallace look like a bitch? No, and neither does Ezekiel Ansah
Ezekiel 25:17: That is one tasty Ansah
Is that your final Ansah?
Eric Fisher -
Fisher Price? 7th overall pick, as Cards tab Central Michigan tackle
Gone Fisherin': Cheifs reel in tackle
Cowboys surprisingly pick tackle: When you Fisher 'pon a star
A-B-C-Dee: E F G, H I J K Wel-come to Philly
It's cold in the Dee: Lions pick Milliner of Alabama
It's never too Lotulelei(te) to Star(t): This headline is a reach
Changing Lane's: The Lane Johnson Story
Merging into the left Lane: How one man changed positions and changed his life
"Corduroy Bear": Because the Bears drafted Cordarelle Patterson
The pitter Patterson of little steps: Young rookie hopes to grow up in NFL
Where we're going, we need Rhodes
Marvel at the X-Man
A guard with the number four pick? What are the Chance's?
War-Mack 10: Titans take player named Chance Warmack with 10th overall pick
Heir Jordan: Maybe he's like going to inherit the position or something?
See Lean Dion: Rookie defensive end is in great shape
Pooper Cooper: Rookie guard ready to take a dump on the league
Hang in with Mr. Cooper, because this kid is a slam dunk!
More like Damontre "Less" after that Combine, am I right?
"Dinty" Moore: This prospect's got himself a stew goin'
Damontre, which is Spanish for "The Montre"
Is the NFL a 'tall' order for Short? Height reference, get it?
Short-order cook: Mike Holmgren wants rookie to make him food and stuff
Giants rookies: The Jersey Short.
I'm going to the Jersey Short, bitches
Good job, good Eifert
The Big Gang Theory: Jets take Sheldon
Get Richardson or die tryin'
Keenan and Shel: In the event that the Rams take Keenan Allen and Sheldon Richardson
Mingo Starr, Don't go Barkeviousing up the wrong tree
Somewhere over the Mingo, way up high: Blue Birds (Seahawks) fly with rookie
His name is literally Barkevious Mingo: What else do you want from me?
Oh my God, they drafted Kenny: You bastards
The Truf, the whole Truf, and nothing but the Truf: So help us win the Super Bowl, Desmond
Desmond Tru-Tru: Rookie hopes to bring peace to Patriots
Daaaaaaa-tone. Me say, Day. Me say, Day. Me say, Daaaaaa-tone. Datone Jones and he wan' go home.
Datone? Uhhh. 500: This headline makes no sense but it makes me laugh. Team drafts UCLA's Jones.
DJ Fluker -
Hey Mr. DJ, keep Flukin' that song
Fluker? I mean damn, that's like pretty far to go with someone that I hardly know
Tavon Austin Green: If a team with green team colors drafts Tavon Austin
Austin? Austin, Massachusetts? Meet Patriots newest rookie
Te it ain't 'O: Team prays on Manti
Manti-disestablishmentarianism: The long road to the NFL
Cornellius 'Tank' Carradine -
Corn' on the job: Ravens say 'Tank you very much' to newest rookie
Hello young Grasshopper: Carradine ready to 'Kung Fu' the NFL
Philly-ip Banks: Fresh Prince of Bel-Air moves back to Philadelphia and is also Uncle Phil now
Follow Kenneth Arthur "Brown" on Twitter. Oh wait, that last one was just for me.