It's March 4th, and that means that mock draft season is well under way. You know when it's too early for a mock draft? Always. That's not stopping people from even 2014 NFL Mock drafts as of today! You know, because the Seahawks won the 2014 Super Bowl and pick 32nd. Whoop Whoop!
The liberties taken in a 2014 NFL Mock draft are ridiculously, terribly, awfully bad. From the fact that getting even close to the correct order would be like winning the lottery five times while you read this sentence, to the fact that all of those players have literally 14+ months to go before they might (not all will) enter next years draft. And yet, you read the shit out of mock draft articles. You're living in a dream world. You've got your head in the clouds. You're just a bunch of John's to anything that the NFL will whore out for it's fans. So if that's what you want, to live in a dream world, well then I've only got one thing left to do.
Take this shit to volume 11.
THE 2013 NFL Mock Draft!
|1. Kansas City Chiefs
||Johnny Manziel, Texas A&M
Manziel received a phone call on March 8th. The voice was disguised, probably by using a Talk Man from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. "Mr. Manziel, how would you like to enter the NFL this year?" "That would be great, I owe some serious gambling debts and I'm not making enough at Texas A$M." The voice on the other end said, "Credit card? You got it." It was a prospective agent, who successfully sued the NFL to let his new client enter the 2013 draft and since it was Johnny Football, the league did not appeal. The Chiefs traded Alex Smith to the Raiders for two 1st round picks, proving that Al Davis was actually still alive.
|2. Jacksonville Jaguars
||Tim Tebow, The Jets||"QB"||6'3||236||2,013 years|
"They're basically a college team anyway," said Roger Goodell on New York's plans to enter their entire roster into the draft. The Jags tried desperately to trade up to ensure that they would be able to draft Tebow but luckily he fell past Kansas City. Owner Shahid Khan considered moving the team, but only after fans stormed and nearly destroyed EverBank Field because they would rather kill themselves than not see Tebow quarterback the Jaguars in person.
|3. Kansas City Chiefs (trade with Raiders)
||Jadeveon Clowney, South Carolina||DE||6'6"||273||So.|
It was obvious that after Manziel announced his decision that "Jadeveon Football 187 Murder-Death-Kill" would soon be next. Now that they had one less roster spot for the overpaid Tyson Jackson, they traded him to the Raiders for Al Davis' secret to eternal life and the "How to Fake Your Own Death Handbook by Al Davis". The league had to institute a new rule that an offense could play 12 men on offense against the Chiefs, because Clowney was putting too many players on IR, deathbed, etc.
|4. Philadelphia Eagles
||Phil Knight, Nike||$$||5'10
There was no better way for Chip Kelly to get his start in the NFL than to draft the man that gave Oregon everything. Players immediately commented on the locker room as "Hella sick, son."
|5. Detroit Lions
Plaxico Burress, Free Agency
The Lions nearly killed somebody when they rushed up to the podium to draft Plaxico. They explained the pick as, "We realize that Plaxico is 35 and that people think that he might be out of shape or that we already have a great wide receiver but... wide receiver, you guys." Mike Mayock said, "I think they just about shot themselves in the foot with this one. Maybe just a little higher than the foot."
|6. Cleveland Browns
||Harold Dean Johnson, "The Flying Dutchmen"||QB/RB/LB||6'2"||205||Sr. Citizen|
When they had heard that there was a WWII Veteran that had "destroyed every record that the West Memphis Over-65 league ever", the Browns were giddy. Said Mr. Johnson, "They've got the best uniforms in the league, I know that. These damn kids with their teal colors."
He will be missed.
Harold Dean Johnson, 1921-2013
|7. Arizona Cardinals
||Geno Smith, West Virginia||QB||6'2 3/8||218||Sr.|
"Welcome to the season opener for the Arizona Cardinals, with rookie quarterback Geno Smith making his NFL debu- oh my he's already hurt. And that's a season-ender for Geno."
"Yeah, it looks like the Cardinals went with a 10 receiver set here, nobody actually on the offensive line and that's going to get your quarterback in trouble about 100 percent of the time."
"So here comes Ryan Lindley, in his second year out of- okay now Lindley is out for the season too."
|8. Buffalo Bills
||Barkevious Mingo, LSU
"It is an incredible honor to follow in the footsteps of some of the great Bills first round draft picks of all-time: Aaron Maybin, Lee Evans, JP Losman, Mike Williams, Erik Flowers... And if things do work out, it will be an absolute honor to turn into a Pro Bowl player for another team."
|9. New York Jets
||Mark Sanchez, The Jets||QB||6'2||225||Senioritis|
I will let Rex Ryan explain it.
"It was a genius move by Idzik to get all of our players into the NFL draft. If any of them were picked up, we would no longer be responsible for their salary. The big one was obviously Sanchez and unloading that contract and we felt like maybe someone would take him in the 6th or 7th round. Unfortunately I made one fatal error when I told Mark that as a final favor to him I would let him announce our first pick."
|10. Tennessee Titans
||Powered Exoskeleton, US Army||ES||Tall
The Titans were still high on Jake Locker, but they were also understandably concerned that he would never be able to play more than a handful of games per season. The Powered Exoskeleton suit would finally keep Locker from getting hurt because finding good offensive lineman seemed "too hard and stuff." Locker tragically tore all of the ligaments in his body trying to get into the suit for the first time.
|11. San Diego Chargers
||Luke Joeckel, Texas A&M||OT||6'6||306||Jr.|
Joeckel slides from possibly being the top overall pick to an ecstatic Chargers team that rushes to the podium to select the franchise left tackle that will protect Philip Rivers blindside and potentially get San Diego back on track as soon as 2013.
What? You wanted jokes? The Chargers finally fired Norv Turner. The time for jokes in San Diego might be over.
|12. Miami Dolphins
||Nunchucks, scimitar, grenade launcher||●～*||You =
"Everybody knows that this team lacks players on offense and has a hard time scoring. We believe in Ryan Tannehill and we just need to put him in the best possible position to succeed. He needs weapons.... So we got him weapons."
|13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
||53 prescriptions to Adderall||Weeeee||eeeee
None of them can be suspended now. The Bucs made a draft day trade of 25 of their prescriptions to Seattle in exchange for "The phone number to Richard Sherman's legal team."
|14. San Francisco 49ers (trade with Panthers)
||The rights to any and all images of Jim Harbaugh's face||GIF||350||x 350||Pixels|
The 49ers used some of their 38 draft picks to trade up and select something they really have desired for two years. Said GM Trent Baalke: "This is going to be a huge step forward to the organization. Any internet website or meme generator that uses the face of Mr. Harbaugh in an unflattering manner will hear from our lawyers tout de suite. We get it, really we do, and that's why we had to trade up ahead of Pete Carroll to ensure that these are ours now. Anything else, Jim?"
"I'm not gonna do, what everyone thinks I'm gonna do, and FLIP OUT!"
|15. New Orleans Saints
||Leon the Professional, France||Ass.||6'1
||200||That first one is short for "assassin" not meant to say "Ass"|
"Who the fuck wants to leak information about us now?" - Sean Payton
|16. St. Louis Rams
||"Can everyone call us the Greatest Show on Turf again?"
Roger Goodell steps up to the podium.
"With the 16th overall selection, in the 2013 NFL Draft, the St. Louis Rams select... "Can everyone just call us the Greatest Show on Turf again, please? We know that was over 10 years ago and we have been pretty terrible on offense lately but what you might not know is that our players have feelings. Maybe give them a confidence boost and tweet out some positive messages about this team like "Damn, the Rams offense is BACK BABY! #Bradford! #Turf! #GreatestShowonTurf!" and update your Facebook status to say "Those are MY Rams baby! I think I could have Bradford's baby lol!!! Greatest show on turf!" We would really appreciate it." There is no college affiliation."
|17. Pittsburgh Steelers
||Sharrif Floyd, Florida
The Steelers pick 17th in the NFL draft this year and Floyd would make a lot of sense for them. Pittsburgh was still very good on defense in 2012 but they really need to infuse some youth onto that side of the ball, with eight of their top players on D being over 30. For Floyd to fall this far would be pretty incredible and you would expect that Steelers fans will be crazy happy to see that one of the top draft prospects has fallen into their laps.
Say opposing fans of other teams: "Well that's just fucking typical."
|18. Dallas Cowboys
||Highland Park, Texas||★||★||✮||★|
Already dissatisfied with the size of his new stadium, owner Jerry Jones knew he had to go bigger. Highland Park, Texas is a Dallas suburb that is about 2.2 square miles in size. Jones bought the entire city, leveled every building, and began construction of "the dag gum biggest monstrosity of a stadium that you ever done seen so that finally a million people can go to a football game like God intended." Construction finished in 2025 and it is said that 950 Texans are buried in the walls.
|19. New York Giants
||Rick Moranis, Urbania, Ohio||HC||5'5||132||Veteran Comedic Actor|
When NFL head coach Tom Coughlin surprises the league with retirement just days before the draft, the New York Giants must scramble to find his replacement and there is literally no time for interviews.
"Get me Rick Moranis"
And then we cut to a clip of Moranis walking into the GM's office, played by veteran character actor Fred Thompson.
"You wanted to see me?"
"This might seem a little unusual Mr. Moranis, but given the circumstances, I don't think we have a choice."
"Wait, what are you saying?"
"I'm saying your the new head coach of the New York Giants."
zoom in on Moranis' face really quick and he'll make that "What the?!?!" face with his lips and eyes all funny.
Voice-Over: This summer, the former Super Bowl champions have some work to do if they're going to get back to the playoffs.
Moranis on the practice field: "Come on get it together!" He looks at the camera and says, "We didn't even have this many problems on Ghostbusters II when Murray burned down the set."
Cut to a scene in the locker room where the pint-sized Moranis is standing in front of a naked Jason Pierre-Paul and it's implied that he can see his penis and he just looks up at Pierre-Paul like "Oh no he didn't!"
Voice-Over: Can a retired actor that coached a pee-wee team in a movie 20 years ago actually lead a professional football team to a winning season?
Then the music gets serious. Like the music switched from Danny Elfman to John Williams.
He's super stressed out in his office. "I don't know what I'm gonna do."
"If you're gonna lead these guys, you've gotta be one of them," says David Carr, the wise old veteran that never quite made it in the league but totally understands the league and the locker room.
"Eli, Eli, Eli! Come here for a second."
"What is it coach?" says Eli Manning.
"Now on this play, I want you to try something new. Don't throw an interception."
"JUST DO IT!"
And then Manning goes out and throws a touchdown. And shrugs his shoulders and smiles at Moranis and then Moranis gives him the "Good job" look.
Then the game announcers are like, "This is unbelievable, the New York Giants have come back from a 35-point deficit to beat the Patriots and they are going to the playoffs!"
Voice-Over comes back on and he's all like: Just when you thought that Miracles were only made for hockey, there's always one more re-hashed sports story that Hollywood can pump out...
Little Giants 2: Regular-Sized Giants
So what do you guys think?
|20. Chicago Bears
||Manti Te'o, Notre Dame||LB||6'1
Needing a long-term replacement for Hall of Fame inside linebacker Brian Urlacher, the Bears draft Te'o after a highly successful season for the Irish that nearly resulted in a National Championship. Te'o is a perfect fit for the Bears defense, and he goes on to have a fine career.
More: This cat is talking to the lawnmower outside. What are you trying to say, kitty??
|21. New England Patriots (trade with Bengals)
||Dee Milliner, Alabama||CB||6'0
Ecstatic that the top corner fell all the way to the 21st pick in the draft, the Patriots traded up to get an actual franchise defensive back. What you don't think the Patriots will trade up? Why, because they never do? History can only tell us so much about the future. Pauly Shore didn't make a bad movie until Bio-Dome, who knew that a Shore/Other Baldwin Brother collaboration would go south? Nobody could have predicted that would happen.
You're mocking the future, and I'm living it.
|22. St. Louis Rams
||"Okay forget the other thing. We will just do better."||Promises||LOL||Oops!||#RammedIt|
"With the 22nd pick in the NFL Draft, the Rams select "Hey guys, sorry about the first pick - that was a real waste. We just really miss the good ol' days. We had a lot of fun back then, didn't we? Things really just took a turn for the worse after that and we want you guys to enjoy the games. So we promise not to screw up these extra draft picks, okay?""
Fans promptly tweeted "Holy shit the Rams had two picks and didn't draft ANYONE! #GreatestShowOnTURDS!"
|23. Minnesota Vikings
||Some Lasik for Christian Ponder or something||
Ponder might have the right size and arm strength that you would look for in a quarterback, there's only one problem: He's completely, 100% blind. Ponder finally revealed in a 2013 interview on The View that he can't see a thing; "Not a single damn thing. Don't tell anybody. Anyways, I'll have Moons Over My Hammy. Man, I never knew they asked so many questions at Denny's."
|24. Indianapolis Colts
Chris Berman nearly creates a black hole upon implosion after hearing the news that Indianapolis was announcing at the draft this year.
The Colts are opting not to use their first round draft pick.
"What is the point really? Who is the 'best quarterback prospect of the last 15 years' in 15 years? We'll wait and just take that guy."
|25. Seattle Seahawks
||Collin Klein, Kansas State||QB||6'5
Teams have been telling Klein that he won't succeed at quarterback at the next level. Klein insists that he won't change positions. So one team came up with a compromise;
"How would you like to be... part of a quarterback?"
The inspiration for the 2017 blockbuster hit "Legs/Off", Klein's lower half was removed and switched with Russell Wilson thus allowing Wilson to become the 6'5 monster that supposedly would have made him a top 3 pick while Klein can still play quarterback. Kind of.
Wacky hijinx ensue.
|26. Green Bay Packers
||Dion Jordan, Oregon||DE||6'6||248||Sr.|
Mike McCarthy is in the war room and the Packers executives and scouts are all talking about who they should draft. Should they take "Aaron Rodgers again" or possibly "The rights to all kinds of food hats and corner the market on food-related head-gear paraphernalia"? Everyone is looking around at each other like "What the HELL is going on today?" sort of like the John Candy movie Delirious. (oh you don't get the reference because you haven't seen Delirious? Go see Delirious, it's awesome.)
That's when Sam leaps into McCarthy's body. He doesn't know what's going on at first of course, and that's when GM Ted Thompson comes up to him and says, "Well, Mike, time is almost up. Who do you think the Packers should draft." Mike (Sam) looks into the camera and says:
After the opening credits and first commercial break, that's when Al comes up to him and says, "You've got to pick Dion Jordan. It's ridiculous that he's fallen this far, make the pick and the Packers..." (beep boop beep on the device) "win the next two Super Bowls!"
So the Packers select Jordan. Unfortunately, this also sets up the downfall of the human race against the aliens in 2039. Had they taken "More Aaron Rodgers Discount Double-Check commercials" we would have won that battle. Then again, we would have had more Discount Double-Check commercials.
Win some, lose some.
|27. Houston Texans
||Holy Grail water, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade||H2O||†||I_I||
Just once the Houston Texans would like to have a good season without one (or all) of their star players going on IR. What is the point of drafting a bunch of players if they're going to end up turning into TJ Yates? The Holy Grail water is basically the best healing potion in movie history so this is a done deal. Why would any team take a player over a magic potion descended down from Christ?
Suck it, Kiper.
|28. Denver Broncos
||Horse feed||Horsey||6'||1000 lbs||Pony|
Haha, not only do Peyton Manning and John Elway bare some resemblance to horses, but the team is the Broncos. Umm... signal the ROFL-Copter?? I think so, duh.
|29. Cincinnati Bengals (trade with Patriots)
||Franklin and Bash and Rizzoli & Isles and Psych and Monk and Cosby Mysteries and the Ghostwriter kids: SVU||TV||Unknown||Unknown||1 to 12 seasons|
By using all of the best lawyers, detectives, medical examiners, and liars on television, the Bengals officially have the best legal team money, or draft picks, can buy. Oh, Vontaze Burfict robbed a liquor store? Tell them why he's innocent Mr. Monk! What do you mean that one of our receivers had 12 pounds of marijuana on him? Let me ask you this about that "evidence".. Is your evidence a ghost. That can write stuff. Ghostwriter? Case dismissed.
The Bengals traded down eight picks by receiving the Patriots first and fourth round picks plus ten cartons of cigarettes.
|30. Atlanta Falcons
||Xavalechojoernriczacattie Warmoglertzelarholarnsher||TE, LT, RB, LG, DE, LB, CB, S||It's not listed on there?||I think it's like 180 or 320 or something||He's definitely a classman of some sort|
The Falcons held a 13-3 record in 2012 and fell just short of Super Bowl XLVII. Except that somehow the Falcons immediately looked like a team whose window had closed because they seemed to have like eight holes to fill. What could they possibly do to stay in contention?
Find out what happens when eight NFL draft prospects are combined into one person that's drafted by the Atlanta Falcons. Starring:
Malcom Jamal-Warner as Chance Warmack; "Man, this team is jammin' on the eight!"
The big guy from Parker Lewis Can't Lose as Bjoern Werner: "I think this team can't lose."
Jaleel White as Xavier Rhodes: "I did do that."
Chris Tucker as Matt Elam: "Zach, how many times do I have to tell you that you don't ever touch a black man's radio!"
Corey Feldman as Zach Ertz: "But the pizza dude is here!"
Rosie O'Donnell as Eric Fisher: "I'm Rosie O'Donnell."
Former TV star and Brady Bunch cast member, Barry Williams as Alec Ogletree: "They said to my Barry, the show needs a little more star power, this is literally the last chance you'll ever get."
And Chris Tucker as Eddie Lacy: "What? You think Eddie Murphy is the only one that can do this shit playing multiple roles?"
With Brian Dennehy as head coach Mike Smith and Jonathan Lipnicki as Matt Ryan. This fall on NBC, take a trip to...
"I'm Rosie O'Donnell."
|31. Carolina Panthers (trade with 49ers)
||P. Diddy, New York||Every Step I Take||Every Move I Make
||Every Single Day, Every Time I Pray||I'll be missing you|
Cam Newton pled with the front office to draft him some help. He was tired of feeling like he wasn't reaching his full potential. And that he wasn't surrounded by enough good models to work with.
"You want a receiver like Cordarelle Patterson?" They ask.
"What? No. Are you listening?"
"You want more lineman? Eric Fisher and Chance Warmack are somehow available."
"Man, you just don't get it." Then Newton gets up and snaps his fingers. An entourage walks in rolling half a dozen racks of clothes. "They're good. But they could be better. Diddy can help get me to the next level of where I need to be."
Then the camera zooms on Ron Rivera while the wah wah wah wahhhhhhh sound plays.
|32. Baltimore Ravens
||God, Heaven||The Real OG||
|0||~15 billion years|
When Ray Lewis retired, he left a gigantic hole on the team that everybody knew would never be filled. That hole was the lack of a person giving thanks to the man upstairs for everything, so the team did the only sensible thing left to do; if God was the one to be praised, why not just skip the middle man?
When asked about replacing Lewis, God simply said he was not that familiar with him.
So there it is, my 2013 NFL Mock Draft. Remember this might change a little bit after free agency is settled, but not by much right? It's only free agency. I can say with 100% certainty that this mock draft, like every other mock draft ever, is not 100% accurate. But we can all agree that it's pretty close to the reality. Frankly, I'll be surprised if other mock drafters even try to challenge me. I mean, can you jam with the console cowboys in cyberspace?
No, obviously you can't.
Thanks for reading, now try to convince me where I could possibly be wrong on the above. Just give me one example!!!