A couple of weeks ago, a wonderful thought emerged from the smoky caverns of the Field Gulls writers' office. It was Jared's idea, I think, and it blossomed into the post you see below you. What started out as a goofy Twitter exercise (that can be revisited by searching the hashtag #MCMD) has evolved into fully organized, researched, and supported draft board of movie characters.
We only had two rules: that we could draft any character at any time for any reason, and that Craig smells like rhubarb and shame. Actually, that last one isn't really a rule. More of a fact. Craig stinks, is my point.
At the end of this extremely important document that I'm sure you will all read with breathless reverence, is a poll. This is your chance to contribute to the zeitgeist. After reading the rosters and write-ups for each team, do your civil and moral duty by voting for the best squad.
Also, feel free to leave your grades or breakdowns of the draft in the comments section.
To the draft!
The Picks (Overall pick next to name. Mike Chan was up first!)
1. Dr Barry Rumack - Airplane!
16. God - Bruce Almighty/Evan Almighty
17. Mini-Me - Austin Powers Franchise
32. Edward Scissorhands - Edward Scissorhands
33. The Doctor - Doctor Who
48. The Thing - The Thing
49. Mr Miyagi - The Karate Kid
64. T-1000 - Terminator 2
2. Big Ern - Joker
15. Wild Thing - QB
18. Teddy KGB - DT/DE
31. Air Bud - WR/RB/KR/PR
34. Maximus - MLB
47. Steven - S/ST Gunner
50. Lt Aldo Rain - DE/OLB
63. Coached by: Billy Madison & Staff
3. Inspector Jacques Clouseau (Pink Panther)
14. Daniel Plainview (There Will Be Blood)
19. Marty McFly (Back to the Future I-II)
30. Jareth, The Goblin King (Labyrinth)
35. Bodhi (Point Break)
46. Fulton Reed (THE...Mighty Ducks)
51. The Man With No Name (Clint Eastwood Westerns)
62. Coach: Sean Maguire (Good Will Hunting)
4. Clark Griswold
13. Penny Lane
20. Doctor Emmett Brown
29. Les Grossman
36. Ferris Bueller
45. Bryan Mills
50. Michael Corleone
61. Jackie Moon
5. Ducky (Land Before Time)
12. Hans Gruber (Ho Ho Ho)
21. The Dude (You don't know? He's the Dude, man)
28. Tommy Callahan (Big Tom Callahan's son)
37. Oh Dae-Su (The greatest movie ever made)
44. Tommy Wiseau (Oh hai, championship)
49. Gordon Bombay (We're Team USA, and we're going all the way!)
60. Kathy Ireland (Am I the only team with a kicker?)
6. Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez (Sandlot)
11. Monolith (2001: A Space Odyssey)
20. Jessica Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?)
27. Rafiki (The Lion King)
36. Rufio (Hook)
43. Jules Winnfield (Pulp Fiction)
48. Fezzik (Princess Bride)
59. Coached by Blake (Glengarry Glen Ross)
7. The Robot from Lost in Space
10. Batman (Nolan)
19. Tasmanian Devil from the Looney Tunes
26. Artie DeVanzo from Beer League
35. Ronnie "Sunshine" Bass, from Remember the Titans
42. Walter Joseph "Rorschach" Kovacs, from Watchmen
49. Spock, as portrayed by Zachary Quinto
58. Smokey and the Bandit
25. The Incredible Hulk
40. Tyler Durden
56. John McClane
I try my best here to emulate the PC/JS drafting style - finding the best players with that are the best at what they do. In the case of movies, there are only so many qualities that are important. Dr. Barry Rumac is the chief of comedy.The Doctor has conquered the Sci-Fi genre for nearly 50 years. The Thing is arguably the scariest monster you will see on screen. T-1000? Probably the most badass robot in the history of cinema. That's four important players of my squad that will dominant whatever the opponent throws at them.
Then I mixed in players that are looked down upon their physicality and abilities and, like PC and JS, turn them into something special. Mini-me may be short, but try tackling him down the field while's running the ball. If Edward Scissorhands can become one of the best pass rushers ever. Mr Miyagi might not have the same martial art talents as a Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan character, but what about his healing powers? His subtle and unorthodox approach will bekey in confusing opponents.
Finally, we have who else? Morgan Freeman as God, who will be the greatest teacher and coach ever. Not only because every call or break my team get will be towards our favor, but can you imagine a better-looking/cooler man?
The Kelly Draft Room took a no-nonsense approach and instead of reaching for positions of need, just went pure BPA. Our first-round pick was really a no-brainer - Ernie "Big Earn" McCracken is a proven winner with a track record of success on several levels of competition - he'll be our moveable chess piece, and we'll ask him to carry the football out of the backfield and even throw it downfield at times in trick plays. His showman's persona belies his fierce dedication to winning and McCraken has a 'do anything that's necessary' attitude and wins at all costs. Has some character concerns and will have to answer some questions about a pending paternity suit, but balances concerns there by being very active in his own Charity, The Unified Fund. Don't let his unorthodox throwing style trick you - Big Earn can deliver the football with accuracy, picks up tough yardage, and is tough as nails. He's a natural leader and will surely win a lot of political offices once he retires.
With our second pick, we had to take a chance - picking Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn, a quarterback out of the California Penal League. He'll have to answer accuracy questions and there will be a 'prove-it' period of time related to his playing at a lower level previously, but there's no player in this draft with the arm talent that Vaughn possesses. May be the first player in the modern era to wear glasses under his helmet, but the kid can spin it.
Next on our list was Teddy KGB and our draft room was elated to grab him with value in the 3rd round. KGB has been playing internationally and in unsanctioned underground games over the past few years but is more than ready for The Show - he's a technician, reads his opponents and plays with unparalleled instincts. He'll play multiple positions on the defense but the key for KGB is that he's not afraid to mix it up with anybody. Plays with honor, but rarely loses. Known for late hits - what he calls "splashing the pot," which may rub some people the wrong way, but is a dirtbag through and through and we feel that's the kind of player we want on our D.
Next up was Air Bud. This was a steal in the fourth round, because the kid is electric. Multi-sport athlete. He'll play receiver, running back, kick returner and punt returner and he'll start immediately. You throw him the football and he'll get under it, and he's dangerous with the ball in his paws. Noticeably faster than everyone else on the field and recently ran a 2.3 40 yard dash. Breakaway speed and ankle breaking agility.
We needed a field general because let's be honest, thus far we'd put together a pretty ragtag group of players. Who better to lead this motley crew than Maximus Decimus Meridius? The Spanish born middle linebacker comes via Army, with a transfer to USC where he starred in the Colosseum for two seasons, and he is ready to continue to further his legend in the arena. Natural leader of men; cerebral, and always seems to be a step ahead of his opponents. Will out-think you - and rallies players around him in the heat of battle. Instant team captain and a guy that inspires with his pre-game speeches and his play on the field.
Finally, to augment our defense, we had to go with a couple of wild-cards - Lt. Aldo Rain and Stephen. Rain, "The Apache" - speaks with a southern twang but don't let his affable demeanor fool you - he's in the skull knockin' business, and cousin, business is a-boomin. He's the type of defender that can knife through the line and he's always finding himself behind enemy (offensive) lines, causing mayhem in the backfield. As for Stephen, he comes to the Kelly team via Ireland (his island) and simply put, is crazy. He'll talk smack, frequently converses with the almighty, and has a no-nonsense attitude. He frequently get flagged for personal fouls, but at the end of the day, he's a guy that you want on your side of the lines.
Coaching up this group of hooligans is none other than Billy Madison. Madison, like many coaches, had to go back to school after washing out in the pros but has honed his style and scheme after starting from scratch with a new perspective. He's a high-energy guy, will play music at practice, take part in scrimmages, and is fiercely loyal. Madison's offensive coordinator and mastermind will be Carl, and on defense, he'll rely on the expertise of Principal Anderson and Miss Lippy to run his defense and special teams, respectively.
The Johnstone War Room is not here to blow smoke up your petticoats; we put this draft to the sword in a big way. Our strategy was simple: assemble a squadron of first-class ass-kickers, with little regard for "character concerns", or "ethical decency". We chose to target characters who have sloughed off the nobility of mind and spirit, in lieu of an attitude marked by action. Our team willingly dons the mantle of the hybrid Antihero, and is coached by a cantankerous doctor who rose up from the streets of South Boston.
We first chose a character who filled our Comedy position nicely, yet still knows the value of a surprise karate-chop-to-the-neck when negotiations stall. Inspector Clouseau is just the guy we needed to build a team around, yet he can sometimes lack the appropriate amount of gravitas. Enter: Daniel Plainview, a menacing enforcer who can wilt the souls of our opponents,with a weight to his game that could prolapse a swan. We plan on teaming him with three of our mid-round picks: Fulton Reed (what he lacks in cognition, he makes up for in slapshots), Bodhi (a hedonist with no future, who doesn't play by the rules of Man), and Jareth, the Goblin King (a character whose drive for victory is only eclipsed by the bulge in his owl-leather pants). This battalion of blackguards is led by The Man With No Name, a character who wins with both his guns, as well as his piercing eyes, rugged jaw line, and glistening muscles that you can just bury your face in, and feel so safe...so secure...so protected. The spirit of our team is embodied by a character who may be diminutive, but don't you call him a chicken. Marty McFly is a blazer on the hoof who can gun it to 88 in, like, 1.21 gigawatts (jigga-watts?). We did not choose a General Manager for our team, but if we had it would have been Nick Naylor.
Why should you vote for our team? Like, vote for who you want, bruh. The human spirit is still alive, and it is your choice to make. But do you want to be another link in the chains of society? Do you want to bow your head to cultural norms, and contribute to the delusion of a binary moral code? Balderdash! Our team is assembled from deivirile dark knights, with a passion for constructing their own moral scaffolding. We are a clique that stays strapped, and are not bound by the rules of these other epicene teams. These boys will run up, put you against the brick oven, and let Jareth hit you with the cobra. A vote for us is a vote for tights pants, big bulges, and victory without consequences. Vaya con dios.
My mindset when drafting this team (tell me if you have heard this before) was to take unique qualities and put them in an environment to succeed. If you want to mess with this crew, you're going to have to deal with the hot headed super-agent Les Grossman, the hard hitting, crafty Bryan Mills, both of whom are have the support and connections of the one and only Mr. Corleone.
That trio sets the rest of the squad up to do what they do best...you want crazy inventions or time travel? Great Scott! we've got Doc Brown...you want to be the most popular kid at school, or run the town? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? If you just want to be an ordinary man trying to get through life, and all its insane obstacles, well let Clark Griswoldshow you the ropes... And this is all happening with Ms. Penny Lane, she keeps this team leveled with her Zen, and creativity. Finally, who encapsulates all of these characters more than Jackie Moon? Businessman-check, promoter-check, player-check, comedian-check, teacher-check, singer-check, actual COACH-check.
It all starts with the glue of my team. When you've got a random pairing of eight characters from all different kinds of walks of life, you want a person that's going to be the heart and soul of the team, the on-field cheerleader, the one that's going to bring together three-horns and longnecks. Yep yep yep, that's Ducky! (Sympathy vote, the little girl that voiced Ducky, Judith Barsi, was tragically killed at age 10. I got your back, Judith.)
From there on I move from the pure goodness of my team to the pure evil, a balancing act of heaven and hell but with the greatest villain of all time, Mr. Hans Gruber. Every time I watch Die Hard I pray that it'll be the one time that Gruber wins. GRUBER!!!!
Okay, let's all chill out for a minute. This is getting really serious. You guys know The Dude. If you don't think I'm building the best team, that's just like your opinion man.
I could use the experience of seven years of college. Not so much here, and not so much here, but right here. I'll just have some ketchup packets.
Oh Dae-Su, also known as Dae-Su Oh (if you understand Korean names, please tell me) is like this cryptic John Wooden of my team. Before every game he tries to motivate everyone because he's said some incredible things, but I'm not sure if it works. "Even though I'm no more than a monster - don't I have the right to live?" Uhhh yeah, Dae-Su. "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone." Yep yep yep! And then he just goes out on the field and fucks everyone up.
If Oldboy is the greatest movie ever made, then it's like The Room also came along in 2003 as it's universal balancing act. Tommy Wiseau is my favorite customer and draft pick and will remind us when the team is tearing him apart.
I was picking coaches before it was cool, and that allowed me to pick the best in movie history. He started off saying he hates kids because "They're barely human" and then he kept coming back for sequels. Hey Ducky, are we Ducks or what? Quack!
I'm not entirely sure if we're even drafting a football team, but I picked the hottest player in the draft but she's also tough as nails. Welcome to foot... BALL!
I respect that the other participants did their best, but you know what to do. I've been watching movies alone every day since I was 3. Vote for the most diverse team in the MCMD and let's go all the way.
If you're gonna cook from scratch, anything remarkable anyway, you better make sure you've got the right ingredients. That may seem obvious, but let's pretend for a moment that you're baking an apple pie. When the recipe called for flour, did you use the cheapest bulk bag you could find or did you take the time to find one with less protein in it so the crust comes out flaky and crisp instead of stretchy and tough? Did you hand-check the apples you bought, examining them for freshness, looking into whether or not synthetic nutrients were used? What about the sugar? First bag you saw at the store or a type with the proper amount of grain refinement to maximize taste while reducing the gluten consolidation in the crust, thereby sweetening the pie without compromising its structural integrity or taste balance?
Both approaches are going to result in an apple pie but the careful, deliberate recipe is going to be the one your guests remember.There are a lot of apple pies on this table, but my team's not here to blend in with the rest of the confections. We cook with conviction.
Our strategy was not only diverse, but progressive. Diverse in the fact that this team offers humor, inspiration, sex appeal, aggression, mystery, wisdom, and nostalgia; progressive in that it eschews the re-treaded glory-hog version of heroism that fogs up your screen with overzealous righteousness and the sort of groin-kicking "comedy" guys that find a dozen different ways to drool onto movie screens each year in favor of wit, adventure, and fun.
Movies can be a lot of things to a lot of people, making the willingness to offer substance beyond the cookie-cut boxes of sword-wielding grandeur and slapstick comedy of paramount importance. The best movies are usually the ones that do it a bit differently; the best characters aren't just "cool" but memorable - and the Bevens team is memorable. More importantly, it has the right ingredients.
Need a hero to inspire you? I could offer another muscular, square-jawed prototype that hulks across the screen dripping blood and testosterone or I could give you a kid with feathers in his hair that fights pirates, built his own inter-jungle skateboard park, and answers to a call that every one of you is shouting in your heads right now. Mystery? Fine. You want another character with an otherworldy ability to control things but who will eventually recognize his own humanity and fall in love or... do you want an entity with a powerful and constant role in man's existence, a role never revealed or understood, and with a countenance so black and unetched that the very mystery of the universe itself likely remains unaltered deep in its presumably ebony bosom?
If you need a laugh you can either see which sequel figured out a new way to make diarrhea funny or you can get on board with a brilliantly simple giant whose brutish strength is surpassed only by his brutish delivery*. What about wisdom? You could watch a breathy, tearful monologue from a stodgy Academy type or you could get bopped on the head by a monkey singing "Squash Banana" and, in doing so, realize your kingly calling in the Circle of Life.
*And who was played by a man that was once reportedly unable to make it to the set after drinking 127 beers the night before.
Team not aggressive enough for you yet? Okay, then. Instead of a wild, lusty, one-dimensional warrior, I present an eloquent, well-traveled gentleman with a jheri curl and holster full of bad intentions (NSFW). How about a little bit of nostalgia? I could give you another soft-focus, symphony-backed tribute to old people or you can have aneighborhood champion whose miraculous rescue of a prized baseball from Darth Vader's retirement home was ordained by a baseball god and remained the stuff of legend for the next thirty years.
And what good is a movie team without sex appeal? As you can see, the other teams in the league are sorely lacking in what has become a crucial aspect of the game; not true with this squad. Rounding out my incorrigible group of rapscallions is the girl whose sultry tones, devilish affairs, and impossible curves still have you wondering about the moral repercussions of being turned on by a cartoon. You see, my team's not bad, we're just drawn that way.
There's a ton of talent in this group but that talent means nothing without leadership, without direction. Our locker room drips with potential but it would all be for naught without adherence to the most important rule in the game:
You may look at my team and say "hey, none of those guys are really on the screen all that much." If quantity is what you're looking for, cast your vote into another team's abyss. If it's quality you're after, roll with us. After all, a football game is 60 minutes long, but the ten minutes and 43 seconds of actual play are what you tune in for. And sure, there are other teams in this draft who may play football better than my guys, but if that's your goal you might as well just draft the Avengers and be done with it. Nope, my team is here because you know that memorability, not conformity, is what makes characters work.
Now get your Spike Lee on and do the right thing.
With my first pick in the draft, I selected The Robot. As a Class M-3 Model B9, General Utility Non-Theorizing Environmental Control Robot, The Robot has superhuman strength & plus intelligence. With its futuristic weapons and exceptional intelligence, the team will be on the cutting edge of league trends and new schemes.
With my next pick, I selected Christopher Nolan's Batman. What The Robot lacks in athleticism and physicality, Batman makes up in spades. With The Robot and Batman, my team possesses not only strength, power, and endurance, but it has weapons unlike any ever seen in one place.
After the first two rounds, I'd added strength and intelligence, but I needed some speed. I toyed with several options, but decided to let the board come to me, and I settled on Taz. He brings speed, aggression, and a killer instinct in the fourth quarter. With him and Batman on my team, we'll never lack for intimidation.
The one thing my team was lacking was personality. So I took Artie DeVanzo with my next pick. While he often suffers from lack of focus, his shit-talking & trophy-swiping are second to none. He's a big distraction to the opposition and I felt he was exactly who we needed to steal a championship.
Every team needs a QB, and a QB needs sex appeal. So I took Sunshine with my next pick. Simple as that.
Once I reached the later rounds, I was just focused on adding the best player available with each pick. I couldn't believe that Rorschach dropped all the way to me, so I ran to the podium for him. With Batman and Rorschach, my team is brimming with upside at the skill positions. The collective badassery is through the roof. I mean really, do you WANT to run into these guys in a dark alley? #Dirtbags. Oh, and the voice talent on the team is unmatched.
In keeping with my BPA strategy, I nabbed Zachary Quinto's Spock with my last player selection. I figured I might as well commit to the established profile of epic badass personalities with fantastic hand-fighting skills. My team won't lose any battles in the trenches, and opposing teams will need a few extra ice baths in the weeks after they've played us.
In the final round, we selected a coach, and I picked Bandit, from Smokey and the Bandit. He's suave and persuasive, and really has a way with people. He's also driven and competitive and won't settle for second best. He brings the most of the people he works with, and he always has something in his back pocket for any situation.
As one would in a traditional draft, I took a player in the first round that could be the grounded, cerebral QB of my team.MacGyver, although he doesn't have a gun for an arm (or any other gun, for that matter) he does have unbelievable poise and intelligence under pressure. He uses his improvisational skills and escapability to extend plays and just flat-out wins. Absolutely clutch performer.
Falkor is my outside speed threat...the guy can flat-out fly...plus he seems to have tremendous luck; always being in the right place at the right time. He's truly got a never-ending motor.
Third round pick, Fletch, is a quick-witted, former NBA player, with the ideal combination of length and speed to become the prototypical Joker TE. And he's a guy that always seems to know how to score in the bed zone.
In the 4th round I took a bit of a risk on the Incredible Hulk. He has a tendency to disappear for long stretches so many have questioned his motor, but when he is on, he is completely unstoppable. Also, Hulk can play the 1-tech, 3-tech, and 5-tech...at the same time.
Not much can be said about Tyler Durden. He has a strict clause in his rookie contract that he never has to speak with the media. But his reputation is that of a guy who never sleeps...is always fighting for respect...a real soap chip on his shoulder kind of guy...an explosive hitter coming from the secondary personality.
Sloth is a guy that our scouts discovered at a small school down a rocky road in Oregon. Fell to day 3 due to a poor wonderlic score, but fiercely loyal and strong as an ox...able to push back a mountain to open up a hole through the line. Rumor is also that he'll sign for peanuts...wrapped in chocolate.
John McClane is a guy that had an absolutely incredible freshman year, but has been hit and miss since. The guy can really carry the Rock...as evidenced by "GI Joe: Retaliation". Tough as nails...always seems to come back for more. Has learned to be light on his feet training in the offseason by walking on glass.
As coach, John "Bluto" Blutarski is one of the fieriest leaders in the game. Known for his inspiring half-time speeches, Bluto has a bright future in politics, should he choose to, after he leaves the game. Just be careful what music you pick for pregame in the lockerroom.
THERE'S THE PICKS. THE SPEECHES. MAKE YOUR VOTE.