A biological study of the rumormonger

Ryan Pierse

In which I use my nature expertise to help guide you through this uncertain point of the year.

The NFL offseason sucks. You know this, I know this, everybody knows this. Free agency is just about over, the draft is still weeks away, and the only meaningful football activity in months involved fat guys running around in shorts in an Indianapolis dome. It's a dark time for fans, but it's a ripe period for the true evil of sports--the rumormonger.

You see, the rumormonger is only active for a few months out of the year. From September to January, they lie under the sand, content to let the apex predators of Schefter, La Canfora and Glazer feast on the real meat of the news cycle. It's not until the Combine and free agency period finish, however, until those stalwart beasts lay to rest to reconnect to their mates and offspring. This is the real danger for fans. This is when the rumormonger rises from the ground and spreads its bullshit pincers.

The bullshit pincers generally take a week or so to find a target, leading to uneasy silence in the air in between pro days. Once they find a target, however, they strike, and they strike with a vengeance. Their juiciest targets tend to lie on the Eastern Seaboard, and this year there's a bumper crop of speculation food for the rumormongers. Currently, they're sinking their bullshit pincers into one Timothy Richard Tebow, and raising him up over their heads to stab him with the horrific stupidity of their stingers.

In this case, the stinger happens to hold some of Pete Carroll's blood. Carroll himself has never consented to giving up his blood to the stupid stinger, nor has he ever given any indication of doing so. That hasn't stopped the rumormonger, of course. As you see, the rumormonger also has the ability of human speech. He doesn't always make sense, and it will take linguists years to figure out the phrase "consider that Tim Tebow and Russell Wilson's playing styles are not extremely different". At the end of the day, it's best not to attempt to decipher these words. That road leads to madness.

What to conclude from this? Several things. Firstly, if you hear a rumormonger in your midst, shield your ears. Failing to do so may lead to Baylessic Disorder. Secondly, carry a can of CommonSensium at all times, and do not be afraid to coat yourself in it should you wander into the Talkradioglades. There's a last-ditch option, which involves you sealing yourself into a cocoon until the beginning of September, but that's not a practical option for many people.

Beware the rumormonger. Avoid its bullshit pincers. And for God's sake, stop linking me Tebow-to-Seahawks speculation posts.

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