It was a day like any other on the planet Nnifelia. And then, it suddenly wasn’t.
A giant space station appeared in the sky, tens of thousands of millions of billions of trillions of quadrillions of quintillions of sextillions of septillions of octillions of nonillions of decillions of miles across.
Energy beams rained down on Nnifelia’s surface, and smaller ships fought against the helpless defense fighters.
President Tim Tebow sat in his office, observing the carnage.
“Get me General Ryan!” he yelled into his intercom.
Before his sentence was even complete, General Ryan burst through the door. “You wanted me, sir?”
“What is that thing and how do we stop it?”
“I don’t know. It doesn’t match the blueprints of any space station I’ve ever seen!”
“How are our defenses holding up?”
“Not well. Wait a minute.” He said. “I’m just getting a report.” He held a finger up to his ear. “My god, those are Niner ships!”
Suddenly, the giant screen taking up the entire wall of Tebow’s office turned on. A face scarred with the scars of many scars looked at them with cold, unfeeling eyes. It was the dark lord of the Niner Empire, Scowly McBabypants.
“McBabypants!” Tebow exclaimed, “I should have known! By attacking this planet, you are in violation of the Goodell Treaty. Explain yourself.”
McBabypants smiled with evil intent. “I have no regard for your feeble treaties, President Tebow. With my newest superweapon, the Niner Empire is now the mightiest force in the entire galaxy.”
“The galactic commissioner will not stand for this, McBabypants!” Ryan yelled, in between the bites of hot dog he was shoving in his face.”
“The galactic commissioner is dead.” The dark lord said. “There is no one left to oppose me. Surrender your planet now or suffer the consequences.”
“And what consequences are those?” Tebow asked.
“Your planet will be the first to have the greatest weapon in the entire universe used on it: the At-O-Mizer!” He hit a big red button labeled “
Death Star Superlaser At-O-Mizer!”.
The gigantic gold station opened a circular hatch, and a long cannon extended from it. A red beam burst out and struck one of the defending capitol ships, completely at-O-mizing it.
“Evil laugh!” McBabypants laughed evilly. “And if you don’t comply in twenty seconds, it will be your entire planet that is destroyed!”
Tebow sighed deeply. “Very well. You leave me no choice. We surrender the planet.”
“A wise decision, Former President.” McBabypants said.
The screen shut off.
“What are we going to do?!!” Ryan shrieked.
Tebow grabbed him by the shoulders. “Dammit, man! This is no time for hysterics!” he shouted hysterically. “There’s only one man who can save us now.”
He hit the button on his intercom. “Get me…” he said, pausing for dramatic effect, “DangeRuss!”
* * *
Far away on a distant planet, the man known as DangeRuss stirred his bed. DangeRuss didn’t actually sleep, but he still waited for the blue skinned space babe (of the planet Spacebabia) to wake up before getting out of bed. DangeRuss was a classy lover.
His first name was Russell. His last name, Wilson. He was the best hero in the entire galaxy, and also the shortest. He’d been from one end of space to the other, battling aliens and seducing their women with his smoldering eyes on nearly every planet in the universe.
The space babe opened her eyes. “That was the single greatest experience of my life, Russell.” She said.
“Maybe after breakfast, we’ll see if we can tie it.” He replied.
He sat up and walked out into the living room. It was a typical summer morning on the planet Veemak. Grey, overcast, pouring down rain: just the way Russell liked it.
He put a pot of space coffee (it’s like coffee but in space) on the boiler and began to make his typical breakfast, a giant platter of ram meat and roast cardinal, and checked his messages on his interstellar space receiver.
“Junk, junk, junk, bill, junk, bill, bill, bill, urgent distress call, bill, bill, junk, bill, junk…”
His eyes returned to the urgent distress call. He opened it up.
“DangeRuss, we need your help.” Russell knew that voice. It was President Tebow! “This is President Tebow. It’s the Niners. They have returned.”
“Galloping galaxies!” Russell exclaimed, making a mental note to never say anything that stupid sounding ever again. The Niners were the most deadly enemy in all of space. Led by the evil Scowly McBabypants, the Niner Empire had conquered many planets, until Russell had defeated their space fleets and saved the galaxy. They were his greatest foe.
“McBabypants has a new weapon at his disposal. It’s basically a massive rip-off of Star Wars, but more deadly. Help us, DangeRuss. You’re our only hope.”
The space babe (the people of Planet Spacebabia don’t have names) came from behind him and wrapped her arms around his neck.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for seconds.” She said, wiping a red feather of off her mouth.
“Sorry, Vanessa (Russell had given her a name, because he was such a classy guy) but duty calls.”
Five minutes later, he emerged from the front of the house, fully dressed in a blue jumpsuit with the number three on the front and a matching space helmet with two osprey heads on the side. His trusty raygun blaster pistol was in its holster.
He climbed into his spaceship, Seahawk One.
Seahawk One was a heavily modified Sherman-Class Interceptor. It was colored blue, and had osprey heads like the ones on his helmet painted on the sides, giving it a sleek, predatory look.
Russell had given his ship many upgrades, including an Okung model energy shield and a weapons guiding system he had designed himself to have the best accuracy of any ship of its size.
He blasted into space and punched in the hyperdrive coordinates to Planet Nnifelia and sat back in his seat. It was going to be a long journey.
* * *
The dark lord Scowly McBabypants sat in his throne room, surveying his newly conquered planet.
There was a sound from behind him. “My lord, you sent for me?”
He smiled. “Ah, Kaepernick, my apprentice. Tell me, what do you think of our newest world?”
Kaepernick was a tall, slender, avian creature, with a large beak at the front of his face. He walked on long legs to the window and looked down at the planet surface.
“This world is weak, my lord. This galaxy is weak. “
“Yes.” McBabypants said. “Soon, our empire will spread across the stars, and every being in existence shall bow down to me, or be obliterated. The final culmination of all my plans will soon come to fruition. I shall be like unto a god! None can stand in my way!”
“Not even the one called DangeRuss?” Kaepernick said.
McBabypants chuckled, letting the laugh grow into a loud resounding cackle. “DangeRuss may have defeated me in the past, but this time I am ready for him. The fool Tebow has surely sent for him by now. Our newest ally will deal with him.
The door opened and a masked figure entered the chamber.
“Will you be ready for him when he arrives?” McBabypants said.
The masked man crossed his arms and nodded. He spoke in a distorted, metallic voice. “I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time. DangeRuss will die.”