A prediction of the season that is actually logical

Joe Nicholson-US PRESSWIRE

Now as we all know, predicting the outcome of sporting events is never an exact science. After all, if there were no such things as upsets, we'd just declare the better team the victor and dispense with the game entirely. But then there would be no game and no statistics or evidence of any kind which team is better. So if we don't know which team is better, how are we to predict the outcome?

No. Predicting games based on talent, coaching, stats, and any other measure of how good a team actually is is completely and totally useless in every single way. I mean, who predicted the Cardinals to beat the Seahawks in Seattle last year? Nobody. Nobody at all. And the fact that they were slaughtered 58-0 is completely irrelevant, because there was always that chance that maybe they could have won. And if you subscribe to the idea that for every possibility there is an alternate universe where it actually happened, then that means that somewhere, somehow, the Cardinals won that game.

Kinda makes that victory seem less impressive now, doesn't it?

But that is why I am here, ladies and gentlemen (but mostly ladies, if you catch my meaning). I have devised an infallible system for predicting the outcomes and rather than relying on such unreliable data like which team is actually better, this one uses logic.

 photo spock_in_2012_by_rabittooth-d4p2io9_zps4aad066f.jpg

NOTE: These predictions are completely unbiased. You will find no favoritism for the Seahawks at all. Also, our NFC West opponents are only included once. Logic dictates that if we can kick their sorry asses once, we can do it twice. Again, no favoritism at all.

Seahawks vs. Panthers: Panthers are not an actual species of cats. What they actually are is a mutation in different species like Jaguars, Leopards and the like where their pigmentation is black. Therefore, the Panthers are actually the Jaguars, and as you will see below, the Seahawks will defeat the Jaguars. Seahawks win.

Seahawks vs. 49ers: The California Gold Rush was a time of opportunity for many poor prospectors looking to make a fortune and obtain the American Dream. Let's focus on one word from that previous sentence. Poor. Now, what is a word rarely used to describe football players at the prime of their careers? Poor. Therefore, if the 49ers are all poor, then they clearly do not have any players worth paying the big bucks. Therefore, they are not very good. Seahawks win.

Seahawks vs. Jaguars: Above, we found that the Jaguars and the Panthers are the same team. I said that since the Jaguars would lose, then the Panthers would also lose. Now, since the Panthers are losing, and the Jaguars are the same as the Panthers, logic dictates that the Jaguars will lose. Seahawks win.

Seahawks vs. Texans: For those of you who are rusty on your history, Texas was originally a province of Mexico. In 1836, Texas split off from Mexico so that they could have slaves freedom. The most famous battle fought during this revolution is the Battle of the Alamo, in which the Texans lost. Now, Mexico's national colors ar red, white and green. One of the Seahawks' colors is also green. Coincidence? But wait, you say, flailing your arms in impotent fury, aren't the Seahawks also blue? Why yes they are! And what nation that fought a war against Mexico over Texas had blue as one of its main colors? Why, that would be the United States of America. So were the Seahawks playing both sides of the war against each other? Keep in mind that Seattle is an American city. So if the Seahawks were playing the US and Mexico against each other for control of Texas, then no matter who won the war, the Seahawks conquer the Texans. Seahawks win.

Seahawks vs. Colts: The Colts rely on luck to win way too much. They have a horseshoe on their helmet and Luck is even the name of their quarterback. This is a logical argument, and nebulous concepts like luck have no place here. Therefore, the Colts do not have a reliable winning strategy. Seahawks win.

Seahawks vs. Titans: Jake Locker was the quarterback of the Huskies in 2008. During that year, UW went 0-12 while the Seahawks went 4-12. If he couldn't even outdo the 'Hawks when they were that bad, how is he supposed to do it now? Seahawks win.

Seahawks vs. Cardinals: Seahawks win.

Seahawks vs. Rams: Rams are male sheep with curving horns on their heads. These are made for battering opponents, often in competition for a mate. Now, since the Rams have these horns on their helmets, one can assume that their players do the same thing. Obviously, the helmets are designed to protect them from hits on the head, but consider this. They don't wear their helmets all the time. Now, most of the time, these guys will be around women is off the field in situations where they wouldn't be expected to wear helmets. I think you see where this is going. The Rams don't even show up to the game because they've all headbutted each other into unconsciousness. And the one Ram who emerged victorious will be too busy swimming in a sea of horny female sheep to care about a football game. Seahawks win.

Seahawks vs. Buccaneers: "The Sea Hawk" is a swashbuckling adventure story written in 1915. In it, the hero Sir Oliver makes his name as a pirate going by the pseudonym Sakr-el-Bahr. What does this have to do with the game? Nothing. It's just tangentially related to the Buccaneers. Let's continue from here. Historically, pirates rarely had anything in the way of a formal education. They probably couldn't even read "The Sea Hawk". So how are they supposed to be able read the Seahawks' defensive fronts? Seahawks win.

Seahawks vs. Falcons: Um... the Falcons can be called the Falcan'ts? I'm running out of material here. Seahawks win.

Seahawks vs. Vikings: The Seahawks farm team is looking pretty good this year. That Adrian Peterson fella, I think he should be moved up to the Seahawks pretty soon. But really, they just aren't in the same league as us. Do the Mariners lose to the Rainiers? Probably, but they wisely decided never to schedule a game against them to avoid humiliation. Anyway, Seahawks win.

Seahawks vs. Saints: The Saints play in New Orleans. New Orleans is named after the city of Orleans. Orleans is in France. France was defeated by the Nazis. The Nazis' symbol was an eagle. Eagles are raptors. Sehawks are raptors. Therefore, Seahawks are Nazis, but in a good way. Seahawks win.

Seahawks vs. Giants: Giants are notoriously bad at keeping people from breaking into their houses and stealing their stuff. In fact, Giants seem to get their asses kicked all the time. Pretty sad, considering they should be able to step on normal people like ants. Giants suck. You know what a seahawk would do if somebody chopped down the beanstalk it was on? Fly off. Seahawks win.

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