The Adventures of DangeRuss! Part 2

Part 1

Russell finished his shower and stepped into Seahawk One’s sleeping quarters. As he closed the door, he had the inescapable feeling that he was not alone. His fear was confirmed when he looked upon the bed.

“Hello.” He said, surprised, but also excited.

“Hello Russell.” Said Dean Winchester, who lay sprawled amongst the sheets, his bare chest rippling with muscle and a plate of nachos on his lap. “I thought you’d never get out of there.”

“How did you get in here?”

“I am always here with you.” Dean said, and Russell knew that it was true.

“I have a lot of work to do, Dean. The Niners…”

“It’s a long way still to go.” Dean said. “Whatever happened to us, Russell?”

Russell turned away, tears in his eyes. “That was a long time ago.”

Dean stood up, nachos spilling to the floor. “Look at me, Russ.”

Russell turned back. “Dean, I don’t…”

Dean put a finger to Russell’s lips. “Hush, little lamb.”

As Russell’s smoldering eyes looked into Dean’s equally smoldering eyes, they both knew that the time for words was over. They drew nearer to each other, bodies tingling. Their lips were only a hairsbreadth away…

Russell bolted upright in his pilot seat, awakened from his troubling dream. Or was it a portent of things to come?

With that bit of gratuitous fanservice out of the way, Russell set himself to work.

“Carroll, how close are we to Nnifelia?”

“Planet Nnifelia is twenty seven trillion light years away, if my calculations are correct.” Carroll, the AI of Seahawk One said. “Of course, ever since we got caught in that proton storm, my calculations have been wildly inaccurate, so don’t take that as gospel. We should be there within the hour.

“Good. Give me all the tape of the Niners you can from our last meeting with them.”

The Dark Lord McBabypants watched the viewscreen with a manic scowl. This of course was his normal facial expression so it was impossible to tell his true feelings.

“When DangeRuss arrives, you will lead our ships into battle against him. Our masked friend shall kill him while you have him distracted.”

“May I ask a question, my lord?” Kaepernick said.

“You may ask.”

Why do you insist on referring to our mysterious ally in such cryptic terms? We both know his name is-“

“Silence!” The Dark Lord rose, horrid black eyes shining with fury. “You dare question the will of McBabypants?”

“No, Your Vileness.” Kaepernick said hurriedly.

“Perhaps you have forgotten the fate of your predecessor.”

Kaep shuddered. He knew all too well what had happened to Smith. It was he who had cut out Smith’s kidneys and forced them down his throat, while simultaneously burning him to death in a pit of rabid wolverines crazed with starvation while giving him a deep tissue massage, and all of this to the music of Barry Manilow. It was McBabypants’ preferred form of execution. The man loved his Barry Manilow.

“I shall not fail you.” Kaepernick said.

“See that you do not. After all, you know I Can’t Smile Without You.” McBabypants said in a threatening tone. “Now begone. I have plotting to do.”

Kaepernick departed hurriedly. As Scowly McBabypants watched the view screen, a smile crept across his face.

“Soon, DangeRuss shall be destroyed, and there will be no one left in all the galaxy to oppose me. And then, the universe shall be mine! Evil laugh!” He roared. “EVIL LAUGH!!!”

“Russell, we are arriving at the Planet Nnifelia.” Carroll said.

Russell turned off his Niner film and looked through the cockpit’s window. The planet was in full view, and next to it was…

“Whoa.” Russell said when he saw the massive Niner station.

“My God.” Carroll gasped. “That thing must be a centimeter across!”

There was a pause.

“I told you, my calculations have been off lately.” Carroll said.

“Forget about it. Prepare Seahawk One for battle mode.”

“You’re the one who keeps forgetting to fix my computron matrix.”


“It’s already done. All combat systems online. You want to fly the ship, or should I get a crack at them for once?”

Russell smiled. “It’s time to get DangeRuss.” He said.

He hit full throttle and rocketed toward the enemy fleet.

“Russell, I’m reading over a hundred fighters coming toward you.”

“So how many of them are there really?”

“No, that calculation was actually correct.”


A hundred of the red and gold ships screamed toward Seahawk One, letting loose an arsenal of laser beams, destructo rays, missiles, bombs, comedic flags with the word Bang! painted on them, torpedoes, bullets and sharks.

Russell grinned. He dodged left and right, easily evading the Niner ships. Firing his lasers, he blew up fighter after fighter.

“This is almost too easy.” He said.

“Russell, we have a new ship slipping in behind us. It doesn’t match any known Niner configuration.”

“Is it a friendly?”

Plasma beams lanced across Seahawk One’s shields.

“I would say no.” Carroll remarked.

“No matter. We’ll take it out like the rest.”

Russell dove the ship down and entered a barrel roll. Seahawk One streaked across space, left, right, up, sideways, but to no avail. The mysterious ship could not be shaken.

“This guy’s a better pilot than the typical Niner.” Russell said. The ship shuddered as another plasma blast hit it.

“Shields down.” Carroll said. “Another hit and we’re done for!”

“Now’s not the time to panic.” Russell said, but he couldn’t help but fear a pang of fear himself. He had never faced a pilot of this skill, at least not since… but no, that was impossible.

He steered right and slammed on the brakes in desperation, hoping the other ship would not anticipate this change of speed and fly past. But the enemy pilot was too crafty, and blasted Seahawk One.

Russell spun out of control. “I can’t steer this thing!” He yelled.

“There is a nearby moon we can crash land on.” Carroll said. “I’ll try to guide the ship as best I can.”

“Initiating autopilot.” Russell commanded. He hit a button and twelve seatbelts zipped out and restrained him in the pilot’s chair.

“I suggest praying to whatever deity you believe in.” Carroll said. “This is going to be a rough landing. You won’t have time to eject me, so let me take the opportunity to tell you that I shall be very cross when you activate my backup copy. Also, I love you.”

From the surface of the moon, you would have been able to see Seahawk One coming down as a streak of white fire racing across the sky. It landed in the thick forest, exploding violently.

Fortunately, Russell was nowhere near the blast. Carroll had ejected his pilot seat and he landed down in the jungle trees, his parachute caught in the branches.

He cut himself loose and landed on the ground with catlike grace.

Before he had a chance to make out his surroundings though, a violent blast destroyed the patch of jungle in front of him. The force of the explosion threw him back, where he landed with considerably less grace than before.

The mysterious ship that had shot him down landed on the smoldering patch of destroyed ground. The door opened and an armored man walked out. His face was obscured by a featureless metal mask.

“Hello, DangeRuss.” He said coldly. “Or should I say, Russell? That is your name, is it not?”

Russell gasped. “How do you know who I am?” He said.

“Oh, you don’t remember me? Perhaps this will help.” And with that, the stranger reached up and pulled off his mask.

“No.” Russell said. “It can’t be. You’re…”

“Dead?” Matt Flynn said, a manic gleam in his eyes. “No, but soon you will be.”

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