Predicting every NFL game of the 2013 season... and then some

"the future is right over there" - Steven Bisig-USA TODAY Sports

Come find out who makes the playoffs, who lands the top pick in the 2014 draft, and which team becomes the first pro sports team on Mars. Finally, a comprehensive prediction post!

On Friday I saw this article by Pete Prisco at CBS Sports predicting every NFL game. I thought to myself "That seems like a dumb idea" considering that you have to know in your heart that it's going to be wrong. Prognosticators are usually terrible at predicting outcomes of games coming this week, let alone in December.

A dumb idea that takes a long time to complete? This sounds like my cup of tea.

So here you will find the predictions for every NFL game, plus the playoffs, as well as some updates on what's going on in the world. It turns out that it's going to be a pretty interesting season, as well as a historic year for Earth and the universe at large.

If you get confused about tenses, i.e. past tense versus present tense versus future tense, just remember that there is no present. There is no future. And the past is only an illusion. We are all part of this universe as one and in all spaces and facets of time, we exist. We are. Don't get caught up in whether or not I am using the proper tenses, okay? Just don't. Time is everything and it is nothing. So ignore possible tense errors -- that's just you projecting your own perceptions of time on me and don't tell me what to do.

Week 1

Broncos 22, Ravens 25

Patriots 31, Bills 20

Titans 3, Steelers 28

Falcons 30, Saints 31

Buccaneers 17, Jets 0

Chiefs 16, Jaguars 14

Seahawks 24, Panthers 21

Bengals 16, Bears 17

Dolphins 27, Browns 10

Vikings 34, Lions 41

Raiders 14, Colts 31

Packers 24, 49ers 23

Cardinals 12, Rams 14

Giants 33, Cowboys 28

Eagles 20, Redskins 23

Texans 21, Chargers 17

Summary:

Not a lot of surprises in Week 1. The Ravens defend themselves with a big win over the favored Denver Broncos, with Elvis Dumervil recording 2.5 fax sacks for Baltimore against his former team. The Packers win a nail-biter over the 49ers in the most exciting game of the opening week when Johnathan Franklin runs in the go-ahead score with 1:45 left and then Colin Kaepernick is picked off with :25 seconds left at the Green Bay 14-yard line by Clay Matthews.

Darrelle Revis picks off Mark Sanchez for a touchdown and he's replaced by Geno Smith, who is picked off by Revis for a touchdown.

The Seahawks take a win over the Panthers on the road for the second season in a row, and again it could have gone either way. Russell Okung tweaks his ankle and will be out 2-4 weeks.

Week 2

Jets 0, Patriots 24

Falcons 17, Rams 19

Chargers 24, Eagles 23

Cowboys 14, Chiefs 17

Dolphins 17, Colts 20 (OT)

Titans 2, Texans 30

Redskins 16, Packers 28

Browns 5, Ravens 18

Panthers 23, Bills 6

Vikings 14, Bears 26

Saints 34, Buccaneers 31

Lions 27, Cardinals 20

Jaguars 0, Raiders 3 (OT)

Broncos 20, Giants 28

49ers 22, Seahawks 24

Steelers 15, Bengals 23

Summary:

Some odd numbers put up this week, that's for sure. The Texans held the Titans to only a safety in a blowout. The Raiders and Jaguars went scoreless into OT until Sebastian Janikowski won it with 7:17 remaining, the first 3-0 finish since the Steelers beat the Dolphins 3-0 in 2007. The Ravens 18-5 win is the first 18-5 score in NFL history.

The Jets find themselves scoreless through two weeks, but this time it was Tim Tebow replacing an injured Tom Brady and leading two scoring drives against his former team. Brady is expected back next week.

Some early season surprises: The Saints move to 2-0 while the Falcons go to 0-2. The Rams are 2-0. The Chiefs are 2-0. The Lions are 2-0. The Vikings are 0-2. The Broncos are 0-2.

Alvin Bailey has an excellent debut at left tackle, shutting down the 49ers defense and allowing zero sacks of Russell Wilson in a huge early-season win.

In space news, high-speed interstellar travel has a breakthrough and we can now send humans from Earth to Mars in less than a day. Remember how they built all that shit secretly in the movie Contact? Yep, we can now do that immediately here on Earth from right outside the Kennedy Space Center in Florida.

Week 3

Chiefs 21, Eagles 17

Texans 34, Ravens 20

Giants 10, Panthers 21

Lions 28, Redskins 27

Chargers 16, Titans 20

Cardinals 24, Saints 31

Buccaneers 27, Patriots 7

Packers 13, Bengals 19

Rams 24, Cowboys 6

Browns 12, Vikings 20

Falcons 26, Dolphins 14

Bills 0, Jets 0 (OT)

Colts 20, 49ers 40

Jaguars 16, Seahawks 28

Bears 8, Steelers 6

Raiders 3, Broncos 27

Summary:

In the first 0-0 tie since 1943, the Jets remain scoreless through 12 quarters but at least they didn't lose. Sanchez and Smith have combined to complete 31% of their attempts for 0 touchdowns and 12 interceptions. Rumor has it that general manager John Idzik has placed a call to New England about Tim Tebow. Interestingly, the Patriots lose big to the Bucs after Tom Brady throws three interceptions, two of which were by Revis (he now has six in three games, yikes.)

Chicago beats Pittsburgh 8-6, and there were no touchdowns or field goals. All safeties. The first major injury of the year sees Joe Flacco lost for the year and replaced by Tyrod Thomas.

The Chiefs move to 3-0, the Bears are 3-0, the Seahawks are 3-0, the Rams are 3-0, the Texans are 3-0, the Lions are 3-0, the Saints are 3-0. The Broncos and Falcons pick up their first wins of the year.

Commissioner Roger Goodell announces that the Week 4 game between the Colts and Jaguars will be moved to Yellowknife, Mars. Fans can buy tickets to travel to Yellowknife to become the first people to see an NFL game on the Red Planet in history for the price of $3,400 for a family of four. Fans consider this "a bargain compared to attending NFL games on Earth."

Week 4

49ers 16, Rams 14

Steelers 0, Vikings 1 (London)

Giants 17, Chiefs 21

Colts 76, Jaguars 54 (Mars)

Ravens 34, Bills 17

Seahawks 20, Texans 24

Bengals 31, Browns 21

Bears 28, Lions 20

Jets 0, Titans 9

Redskins 36, Raiders 30

Eagles 10, Broncos 28

Buccaneers 13, Cardinals 20

Cowboys 21, Chargers 24 (OT)

Patriots 13, Falcons 27

Dolphins 21, Saints 37

Summary:

With only a fraction of Earth's gravity, the Jaguars and Colts put on a show with their Red Planet Extravaganza. By being able to loft high passes for the first time in his career, Blaine Gabbert throws for 751 yards with 6 touchdowns but they are absolute no match for Andrew Luck's 1,090 yards passing with 8 touchdowns. The game is attended by 310 lucky fans, breaking Jaguars franchise attendance records. After years of speculation of a possible move, the league and owner Shahid Khan announce that the team will immediately move to their new planet and rename themselves as the Mars Jagmars.

In other "weird, out there places inhabited by aliens" the Vikings beat the Steelers 1-0 in a game of futbol, with Blair Walsh scoring the lone goal for Minnesota.

The Saints, Bears, Texans, and Chiefs remain undefeated. Some major surprises there. The Cowboys, Eagles, Jets, Browns, Bills, and Jaguars are still waiting for their first win of the year. Brady struggles for the second week in a row as the Pats fall to 2-2. The Jets haven't scored yet and the first coach of the year fired is a tie between Rex Ryan and Jason Garrett.

The Cowboys promote defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin as interim head coach. The Jets also fire offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg, and announce the hiring of Bill Cowher. When the crew on CBS's The NFL Today were asked if they would miss Cowher, the other analysts* said "Who?"

*The analysts on CBS include that guy that used to be on FOX and I think one of the Sharpe brothers?

Sadly, the Seahawks do lose to the Texans and fall to 3-1, but Bailey played great again. With Okung expected back next week, what is Seattle to do?

Injury news: Tyrod Thomas has played spectacularly in Flacco's absence. Fantasy owners scramble to replace an injured Matt Forte (Lisfranc.)  Marques Colston (ankle) is out 4-6 weeks.

TV news: I miss Breaking Bad!

Week 5

Bills 34, Browns 28 (OT)

Patriots 13, Bengals 24

Lions 14, Packers 27

Seahawks 28, Colts 17

Ravens 31, Dolphins 20

Saints 16, Bears 24

Eagles 24, Giants 23

Chiefs 22, Titans 7

Jagmars 12, Rams 19

Panthers 22, Cardinals 14

Broncos 34, Cowboys 17

Chargers 21, Raiders 20

Texans 27, 49ers 13

Jets 0, Falcons 30

Summary:

The Jets almost scored when Mark Sanchez scrambled 45 yards towards the end zone, butt fumbled at the goal line. New York, Cleveland, Dallas, and Jacksonville still search for their first win of the year. The Bills and Eagles found theirs, with Chip Kelly finally ticking up a win with Nick Foles getting the start.

San Francisco fans grow concerned with their 2-3 start, especially after Jim Harbaugh erupted into a hypernova following the refs spotting the ball 2nd-and-8 yards to go instead of 2nd-and-7 yards to go. He descended into the heavens and will be out 3-4 weeks. Defensive coordinator Vic Fangio takes over on an interim basis.

The Seahawks get back on the winning side of things. Okung returns to left tackle, but Pete Carroll knows he has to keep Bailey in the starting lineup somehow. He's moved to tight end, and he catches three passes for 31 yards and a touchdown. NFC West standings update:

Rams 4-1
Seahawks 4-1
49ers 2-3
Cardinals 1-4

Kansas City remains the talk of the town with their 5-0 record. The Bears and Texans also remain undefeated.

The Patriots lose again, and for the first time you can hear fans murmuring for Tebow to become the new starter in New England.

The NFL becomes embroiled in a steroids scandal however, when rumors start circulating that several players in the league aren't taking any performance enhancers. Alex Rodriguez, now unemployed, is hired as a consultant.

Week 6

Giants 3, Bears 17

Bengals 24, Bills 10

Lions 17, Browns 24

Raiders 14, Chiefs 24

Panthers 31, Vikings 20

Eagles 14, Buccaneers 21

Packers 33, Ravens 10

Rams 6, Texans 12

Steelers 6, Jets 9 (OT)

Jagmars 11, Broncos 26

Titans 0, Seahawks 31

Saints 34, Patriots 30

Cardinals 9, 49ers 17

Redskins 16, Cowboys 21

Colts 24, Chargers 31

Summary:

Looking to get his first win as New York's head coach and with their Week 6 matchup against his old Pittsburgh team on the horizon, Cowher flew into the practice facility on his Honda H-1 Flying Sportster, opens the pod bay door, looks at his team and says "I think we're going to need to" *pulls down shades* "Steel a win here."

The Jets finally do, kicking three field goals for their first points on the year. The Steelers fall to 1-4.

The Cowboys also pick up their first win of the year. NFC East standings:

Redskins 2-3
Giants 2-4
Cowboys 1-5
Eagles 1-5

The Lions lose their third straight and drop to 3-3. The Bears, Texans, and Chiefs stay undefeated. The Jagmars are the only team without a win and experts worry that they're losing bone density.

Seattle pulls into a one game lead in the NFC West after the Rams lose against the Texans and fall to 4-2. The Seahawks win but Chris Clemons leaves the game early with a hip injury. Alvin Bailey replaces him and records 1.5 sacks.

Google Glass is released at a price of $199, considerably lower than early projections. They sell out immediately and within a week 71% of Americans own a pair and wear them on a regular basis. Russell Wilson is given a pair of the high-tech glasses and slyly tells reporters "Yes, I totally need these. I totally could not pull up the internet with my eyes before I had these glasses." and winks.

Week 7

Seahawks 27, Cardinals 16

Buccaneers 17, Falcons 24

Bengals 14, Lions 22

Patriots 17, Jets 16

Texans 28, Chiefs 30

Bills 13, Dolphins 16 (OT)

Cowboys 23, Eagles 20

Bears 27, Redskins 31

Rams 9, Panthers 20

Chargers 65, Jagmars 90

49ers 41, Titans 20

Ravens 23, Steelers 17

Browns 21, Packers 20

Broncos 33, Colts 34

Vikings 24, Giants 14

Summary:

The long red world nightmare is over! And I'm not talking about Ghosts of Mars. The Jagmars beat the Chargers in front of a sellout crowd of 525 Martians.

New England trailed the Jets 16-0 with 6:51 remaining and coach Bill Belichick replaced Brady with Tebow. That's when the chosen won led the Patriots back to win the game 17-16. Belichick has announced that Tebow is his new starter.

Can you believe that Houston had a 6-0 vs 6-0 game against Kansas City, and the Chiefs won?! Because it's gonna happen! Clearly. I predicted it so why even play it out now. The Browns beat the Packers in Green Bay because in case you hadn't noticed, the world is my f***ing oyster.

The Bears picked up their first loss of the year, leaving only the Chiefs as a team with a "0" in their win-loss record. The Panthers are also a surprise team, starting out 6-1. Updated NFC South standings:

Panthers 6-1
Saints 5-1
Falcons 4-2
Buccaneers 3-3

Seattle stays in first place in the West, but the 49ers and Rams aren't far behind.

In sad news, Field Gulls announces the tragic passing of Kenneth Arthur in "an unfortunate clogging incident" on Monday. Said witnesses: "He was cloggin' the hell out of this joint. Ain't seen cloggin' like that since Clogfest '94."

He is survived by Survivor season one winner, Richard something.

Week 8

Panthers 27, Buccaneers 30

Cowboys 19, Lions 20

Browns 3, Chiefs 30

Dolphins 0, Patriots 71

Bills 18, Saints 31

49ers 340, Jagmars 21 (London)

Giants 10, Eagles 21

Steelers 3, Raiders 7

Jets 13, Bengals 31

Redskins 21, Broncos 24 (OT)

Falcons 13, Cardinals 9

Packers 19, Vikings 17

Seahawks 31, Rams 0

Summary:

Nobody will ever forget the speech.

"Today (today, today, today, today), we play (we play, we play, we play, we play) for the greatest Seahawks fan (fan, fan, fan, fan) that ever lived (lived, lived, lived, lived.)" said coach Carroll to a national Monday night audience. "Kenneth (kenneth, kenneth, kenneth, kenneth) Arthur (thur, thur, thur, thur.) He. Was. Cool! (cool, cool, cool, cool)" and even the St. Louis crowd went nuts for the speech.

They were less enthused as Seattle played to a 31-0 shutout of the Rams.

Yes, that 340-21 loss was in London, not Mars.

Tebow absolutely destroys the Dolphins defense.

The Chiefs are 8-0, but get bad news when they learn that first-half MVP Alex Smith has hurt his shoulder and will miss the rest of the regular season. Dissatisfied with any of their backups, Kansas City reaches out to Steve Bono and sign him to a one-year deal. No, screw it, a two-year deal!

The Raiders send the Steelers to a 1-6 record. Updated AFC North standings:

Bengals 6-2
Ravens 5-2
Browns 2-6
Steelers 1-6

Earth announces that it will attack several planets on the outskirts of our galaxy for the purposes of mining their resources establishing a democracy.

Week 9

Bengals 21, Dolphins 17

Chiefs 12, Bills 15 (OT)

Chargers 28, Redskins 31 (OT)

Falcons 34, Panthers 27

Vikings 20, Cowboys 21

Titans 10, Rams 21

Saints 20, Jets 24

Buccaneers 4, Seahawks 19

Eagles 2, Raiders 1

Steelers 23, Patriots 23.5

Ravens 34, Browns -6

Colts x, Texans y (X = Y/2)

Bears 3, Packers 4

Summary:

Some odd scores this week. I mean, how can I explain the Jets scoring 24 points??? It's just one of those weird things that happens. New York was inspired when head coach Bill Cowher appeared in the locker room with his teleportation device and said to his team: "Let's make these Saints" *sunglasses* *teleports out of the locker room* "Disappear!" he screams from another room.

There were some important divisional matchups as the Packers beat the Bears on Monday night. Said Jon Gruden during the game: "This guy. This guy. This guy. This guy. This guy. This guy. This guy. This guy." over and over again. He had to be put down, but ESPN explains that a new Gruden will be cloned before next week. Phew!

Carolina drops a big one at home to the Falcons, but Roddy White broke his left pinky and will be out for four weeks. The Falcons signed Rowdy Roddy Piper to chew some ass and kick some bubble gum.

In huge NFL news, the Redskins finally acknowledged that their name was indeed offensive and will be changed to the Washington Nats. Of course, N.A.T.S. is actually an acronym for "Native Americans, The Savages."

Kansas City loses for the first time this year in what looked like an easy road to 9-0 at Buffalo but Steve Bono threw two critical fourth quarter interceptions. The team signed Elvis Grbac to replace him. KC remains with the number one seed in the AFC at 8-1, same record as the Seahawks. The Bengals lead the AFC North:

Bengals 7-2
Ravens 6-2
Browns 2-7
Steelers 1-7

Updated NFC Standings:

Seahawks 8-1
Saints 6-2
Packers 6-2
Redskins 4-4
Falcons 6-2
Bears 6-2

It's going to be difficult to make the playoffs in the NFC, unless its in the East where even the 2-6 Giants aren't out of it.

Week 10

N.A.T.S. 23, Vikings 31

Seahawks 24, Falcons 27

Lions 23, Bears 18

Eagles 0, Packers 31

Jagmars 7, Plebeians 3

Rams 31, Colts 51

Raiders 10, Giants 11

Bills 8, Steelers 41

Bengals 17, Ravens 13

Panthers 20, 49ers 31

Broncos 37, Chargers 27

Texans 34, Cardinals 13

Cowboys 20, Saints 41

Dolphins 9, Buccaneers 21

Summary:

"What's the matter?"

"Nothin'."

"Oh come on, don't give me that. I know when something is wrong. Tell me what's wrong, buddy."

"Well, mister. Well.. the thing is.. I don't feel like a Titan."

And that's how the Titans changed their names to the Plebeians after a loss to the Jagmars. The Plebeians currently have the inside track to the number one pick in 2014.

By picking up their second loss, the Seahawks fall back into a virtual tie in the lead for the NFC number one seed, but also now lose the head-to-head tiebreaker with Atlanta. Wilson had to come out at halftime with a sore calf and not even backup QB Alvin Bailey could lead them back to victory. Wilson is expected to be fine. Luckily the Rams lost, but the 49ers closed the gap and moved to 6-3.

The N.A.T.S. lost, meaning that the leader of the NFC East is now 4-5. The Panthers fell to 6-4. The Texans are tied for the best record in the NFL. Updated AFC Standings:

Texans 8-1
Chiefs 8-1
Bengals 8-2
Patriots 5-4
Broncos 6-3
Ravens 6-3

Basically, the talent disparity in the AFC from the top to the middle is so large that you're going to have a few teams finish with really good records and a lot of teams finish with really bad records. The Patriots are 5-4 thanks only to Tim Tebow. Some current NFL quarterbacks now:

Tebow, Patriots
Grbac, Chiefs
Thomas, Ravens
Carr, Giants (Eli got in a Carr accident. That is, David Carr punched him in his face and broke his nose. It was a brilliant strategy and Eli took his ball and went home "for awhile. Shutup!")
McElroy, Jets
Fitzpatrick, Plebeians

Other notable injuries: Roddy, Chris Johnson, Ahmad Brooks, Knowshon Moreno, Miles Austin, and Troy Polamalu. Why would someone predict injuries? Well that's a stupid question. That's like asking, "Why would someone predict every game score in August?"

Legend has it that the ghost of Kenneth Arthur can be heard roaming CenturyLink field and if you hear something in the shadows say "Go..." you must reply "Hawks" or you will die in seven days. Rumor has it that he also kicks it in the locker room a lot as a ghost.

Week 11

Colts 24, Plebeians 17

Jets 0, Bills 0 (OT)

Ravens 16, Bears 20

Browns 24, Bengals 27

Falcons 45, Buccaneers 51

Chargers 21, Dolphins 22

Cardinals 131, Jagmars 165

Raiders 7, Texans 47

N.A.T.S. 23, Eagles 21

Lions 31, Steelers 33

Chiefs 20, Broncos 30

Vikings 17, Seahawks 34

49ers 41, Saints 38

Packers 31, Giants 34

Patriots 40, Panthers 29

Summary:

The Bills and Jets play for the second time this year and for the second time, they end in a 0-0 tie. They issue apologies but it's too little too late. The fan(s) are inconsolable, but as a compromise and to end confusion, the Bills and Jets each take a win and a loss each. This changes the Bills record from 2-7-2 to 3-8 and the Jets record from 2-6-2 to 3-7. The New York Jets are renamed the New Jersey Jets and purchased by Jay-Z who again renames them to the Hova Jets. Coincidentally, head coach Bill Cowher just bought a hova jet.

He rode in on it to the press conference and said "From now on we'll be..." *google sunglasses* "Big pimpin."

"You're fired, Cowher. Ha ha. Hova!"

"Man, this is a..." *removes glasses* *places glasses back on* "Hard knock life."

And Cowher disappeared into the night again. The Hova Jets hired Ja-Rule as the new head coach because he hasn't done anything in awhile.

Updated AFC East standings:

Patriots 6-4
Dolphins 3-7
Hova Jets 3-7
Bills 3-8

Week 12

Saints 25, Falcons 26

Steelers 25, Browns 26

Buccaneers 26, Lions 25

Vikings 25, Packers 26

Chargers 26, Chiefs 25

Bears 25, Rams 26

Panthers 26, Dolphins 25

Hova Jets 25, Ravens 26

Jagmars 25, Texans 26

Colts 25, Cardinals 26

Plebeians 26, Raiders 25

Cowboys 26, Giants 25

Broncos 25, Patriots 26

49ers 26, N.A.T.S. 25

Summary:

The Browns beat the Yellows, pretty much sealing the deal that the Yellows are having their worst season in awhile because they're simply getting old. Also, I just changed their name to the Yellows.

In addition to Cleveland, the Cardinals, Cowboys, and Plebes all got much needed wins. However, if you wanted to draft Teddy Bridgewater or Jadeveon Clowney or current favorite for the Heisman in NCAA -- Washington State QB Connor Halliday -- then they weren't much-needed wins.

The top five picks if the season ended today (which was being discussed in the commissioners office so we could get straight to a Seattle-Houston Super Bowl in honor of the fallen Kenneth Arthur, but decided against):

1. Plebeians 2-9
2. Raiders 2-9
3. Jagmars 3-8
4. Cardinals 3-8
5. Browns 3-8

The Patriots season (and franchise) was really saved by the savior over the pathetic (now definitely not going to the Hall of Fame) Tom Brady and so fittingly there is nothing more Patriotic than Tim Tebow -- only a name change would suffice.

Upon mining helping several planets in the Barghrarian Galaxy (their name for it, not ours) we as a race came upon the "Nock Nooks" of the planet ░╗╢¶Æ. It turns out that they are the most amazing athletes in the universe and many NFL and college teams immediately begin scouting the planet ░╗╢¶Æ. The first signing is quarterback ¥ by the Cowboys, who trade Tony Romo over to the ≡±≡. "But I don't want to go to ≡±≡!" shouted Romo as he propelled him into space.

Week 13

It's the end of November, so you know what that means: Thanksgiving games! I'm excited to announce that John Madden has come out of retirement for one day only to call the Packers and Lions for old times sake. Also, Brett Favre came back for one day for old times sake. Also, the Lions are playing with a Turducken at running back for old times sake.

Packers 31, Lions 7 (for old times sake)

Raiders 14, Cowboys 41

Yellows 0, Ravens 16

Buccaneers 17, Panthers 34

Jagmars 21, Browns 19

Plebeians 21, Colts 31

Broncos 31, Chiefs 34 (OT)

Bears 10, Vikings 8

Dolphins 2, Hova Jets 9

Cardinals 18, Eagles 17

Falcons 41, Bills 16 (Toronto)

Rams 22, 49ers 25 (OT)

Tebows 9, Texans 7

Bengals 31, Chargers 7

Giants 12, N.A.T.S. 21

Saints 24, Seahawks 31

Summary:

"You see, what Brett Favre has to do here is stuff the duck into the turkey because you can't stuff a turkey into a duck you understand? The turkey is usually bigger than the duck and so it won't go in there but if I circle the chicken here and point to the duck over here and Favre throws it here you got yourself a turducken" and we all had a good laugh.

¥ threw for four touchdowns as the Cowboys beat the Raiders. The Cowboys therefore now become the Dallas φφφ. The Raiders, furious over another disappointing season from Darren McFadden (3.4 yards per carry), throw him into the large hadron collider. But rather than die, McFadden smashes into the God particle and becomes a super hero. Is Oakland now set at running back and they can finally return to their glory days?

No. He's a fucking super hero. He retires from football and is sent into space to fight the GH-531 Donkwonks of Sector G.

The Seahawks and the 49ers play next week in Oakland. (San Francisco actually detached from the continental U.S. and through a gravity paradox, floated into outer space.) Updated NFC West standings:

Seahawks 10-2
49ers 9-3
Rams 6-6
Cardinals 4-8

Week 14

Texans 140, Jagmars 126

Colts 27, Bengals 30 (OT)

Bills 20, Buccaneers 22

Chiefs 17, N.A.T.S. 31

Vikings 24, Ravens 17

Browns 13, Tebows 42

Panthers 52, Saints 40

Raiders 13, Hova Jets 14

Lions 24, Eagles 10

Dolphins 11, Yellows 21

Plebeians 6, Broncos 28

Giants 26, Chargers 24

Seahawks 21, 49ers 27

Rams 20, Cardinals 14

Falcons 30, Packers 31

φφφ 26, Bears 20

Summary:

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu *breath*
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge.

The Seahawks had a real shot to all but lock up the NFC West and probably a number one seed but instead they just fall short of beating the Niners in Oakland despite Percy Harvin coming back to catch eight passes for 160 yards and Alvin Bailey running it 30 times for 120 yards. Oh well, it's just a slight pebble in the road.

Updated NFC Standings:

1. Seahawks 10-3
2. Packers 10-3
3. Falcons 9-4
4. N.A.T.S. 8-5
5. 49ers 10-3
6. Bears 8-5

Just outside:

Buccaneers 8-5
Panthers 8-5
Lions 7-6
Rams 7-6
Saints 7-6

Updated AFC Standings:

1. Texans 11-2
2. Bengals 11-2
3. Patriots 9-4
4. Chiefs 9-4
5. Broncos 8-5
6. Ravens 8-5

Just outside:

Colts 7-6

There's far less drama in the AFC, where most of the teams bad as can be. But -- somehow, someway. Elvis Grbac gets better like every. single. day.

Houston gets bad injury news when Andre Johnson pulls a hammy and is out 2-3 weeks, Brian Cushing is out 1-2 weeks. The Bengals aren't safe either, with Charles Johnson set to miss a month. The Broncos will be starting Brock Osweiler next week but hope to get Manning back before the playoffs at the latest.

Why did I just write a serious paragraph?

Dr. Ernest Browner has a breakthrough in time travel and promises that this sucker isn't nuclear. We can only go back, not forward. All the nations of Earth agree that they won't use it for fear that they could destroy humanity if we dared tried to change anything, but Germany was like "Oh, come on! Please!"

This shit is getting real. Sorry, I mean...

Cyborg Bill Cowher breaks in through a wall and says "Is this football season a fish? Because it just got..." *cyborg glasses* "Reel....   ed"

Week 15

Chargers 21, Broncos 17

N.A.T.S. 15, Falcons 25

Bears 6, Browns 8

Cardinals 12, Plebeians 14

Texans 21, Colts 29

Saints 24, Rams 28

Tebows 31, Dolphins 13

Eagles 21, Vikings 22

Seahawks 24, Giants 26

Bills 64, Jagmars 65

49ers 23, Buccaneers 27

Hova Jets 9, Panthers 17

Chiefs 10, Raiders 6

Packers 26, φφφ 20

Bengals 31, Yellows 38

Ravens 13, Lions 17

Summary:

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! TWO interceptions by cornerback Alvin Bailey on David Carr and STILL the Seahawks blew a golden opportunity. That is to say that Golden Tate dropped a sure first down that would have setup a 44-yard field goal try for Jason Hanson! Yes, Jason Hanson!!! Oh well. It's just that with Seattle dropping to 10-4 and me being dead, I've had better years.

It looks like this ghost is going to have to *ghost glasses* scare up some wins.

A big week for the Colts as they move to 8-6, while the Broncos and Ravens fall to 8-6. The Chiefs look like they've got the AFC West won by moving to 10-4. Losses by the Texans and Bengals mean that nothing is decided yet for the top two seeds, either.

The Packers move into first place in the NFC.

The Kenneth Arthur Memorial Project is started up by Pete Carroll, in an effort to raise Clog Dancing Danger Awareness. With the inventions of both high speed intergalactic travel and time travel, specialized astronauts are sent out to fight for the greater good. They are sent to a galaxy far away and a long time ago...

Week 16

Dolphins 27, Bills 10

Vikings 17, Bengals 21

Colts 19, Chiefs 18

Bucs 22, Rams 19

Browns 10, Hova Jets 12

Bears 30, Eagles 24

φφφ 10, N.A.T.S. 20

Saints 31, Panthers 28

Plebeians 400, Jagmars 500

Cardinals 0, Seahawks 58

Broncos 25, Texans 31

Giants 13, Lions 24

Raiders 7, Chargers 8

Yellows 16, Packers 34

Tebows 9, Ravens 12

Falcons 29, 49ers 30

Summary:

Fully updated standings so you know what's what:

AFC East
Tebows 10-5
Hova Jets 6-9
Dolphins 4-11
Bills 3-12

AFC North
Bengals 12-3
Ravens 9-6
Yellows 5-10
Browns 4-11

AFC South
Texans 12-3
Colts 9-6
Jagmars 6-9
Plebes 3-12

AFC West
Chiefs 10-5
Broncos 8-7
Chargers 7-8
Raiders 2-13

NFC East
N.A.T.S. 9-6
Giants 7-8
φφφ 6-9
Eagles 3-12

NFC North
Packers 12-3
Lions 9-6
Bears 9-6
Vikings 6-9

NFC South
Falcons 10-5
Bucs 10-5
Panthers 9-6
Saints 8-7

NFC West
49ers 11-4
Seahawks 11-4
Rams 8-7
Cardinals 4-11

Every division has been locked down except for the NFC South and NFC West. The Seahawks or 49ers have locked down a Wild Card berth. Lots of positioning left to do, but after a 58-0 win against Arizona again (Alvin Bailey: 22-of-22 passing, 222 yards, 2 passing touchdowns, 2 rushing touchdowns) it was a good day. And the Supersonics beat the Lakers following the move of the Oklahoma City Thunder back to Seattle with news breaking that Clay Bennett couldn't legally purchase an NBA team since he was nothing more than a bundle of sewer rats in a trench coat.

Only one more regular season week to go. Seems like it was just two days ago that the Seahawks killed the Broncos in that preseason game and before that swarm of Seahawks from the planet Blugarian literally killed those flying horses from the planet Elwysium in the great battle of November 2013.

Week 17

Panthers 24, Falcons 27

Packers 19, Bears 20

Texans 31, Plebeians 24

Browns 10, Yellows 14

N.A.T.S. 24, Giants 21

Ravens 21, Bengals 19

Eagles 27, φφφ 3

Jagmars 7, Colts 17

Hova Jets 12, Dolphins 14

Lions 24, Vikings 23

Bills 0, Tebows 21

Bucs 17, Saints 34

Broncos 24, Raiders 5

49ers 31, Cardinals 17

Chiefs 16, Chargers 20

Rams 16, Seahawks 17

Summary:

PLAYOFFS

AFC:

1. Texans 13-3
2. Bengals 12-4
3. Tebows 11-5
4. Chiefs 10-6
5. Colts 10-6
6. Ravens 10-6

NFC:

1. Packers 12-4
2. Seahawks 12-4
3. Falcons 11-5
4. N.A.T.S. 10-6
5. 49ers 12-4
6. Lions 10-6

Seattle beat out the 49ers in the "It's my world" tiebreaker but didn't beat out the Packers in the "but I'll make a compromise there so that I don't look biased" tiebreaker. The Buccaneers and Bears lost the tiebreaker to the Lions for the second Wild Card. The Broncos were probably the biggest disappointment at 9-7. The Raiders at 2-14 won the Connor Halliday sweepstakes.

Wild Card Round

Tebows 21, Ravens 17

Tim Tebow mounts a furious and unbelievable comeback from a 17-0 deficit with :01 left in the game.

Colts 31, Chiefs 10

From worst record in the NFL to the AFC West title, the Chiefs run ends just about where you would expect it to as Andrew Luck wins his first career playoff game. Some think that maybe one day he will be half as good as Russell Wilson.

Lions 34, Falcons 31

Game of the week. Detroit and Atlanta combined for 65 points in the fourth quarter going back and forth between Matt Stafford and Matthew Ryan.

49ers 27, N.A.T.S. 17

San Francisco beats Native Americans, the Savages but every player tears his ACL on FedEx Field.

Divisional Round

Texans 45, Colts 31

Houston finally makes the AFC Championship game.

Bengals 30, Tebows 28

The Tebows are up 28-0 when Tim Tebow ascends into heaven. He's replaced by Tom Brady and it all goes to shit.

Packers 20, Lions 17

Detroit celebrates the upcoming release of Robocop by actually building a real-life Robocop to clean up their streets again. The only problem is that the only Robocop they could afford was Peter Weller and he kept telling them "I don't really know how to be a Robocop! That was a movie! Don't you realize it was only a movi-aaghhhh!" as they removed his brain from his human body.

Robocop Peter Weller showed up to Lambeau to kill Aaron Rodgers but malfunctioned --

"I had to kill Calvin Johnson because he made a mistake. Now it's time to erase that mistake."

"No, don't! Don't!"

"Fuck you."

[machine gun fire]

Seahawks 27, 49ers 6

They didn't have any ACLs!

Conference Championships

Bengals 16, Texans 14

The Bengals go to the Super Bowl for the third time in franchise history behind a strong performance from Andy Dalton. "It's like he's playing without a soul" said Gary Kubiak.

Seahawks 27, Packers 21 (OT)

Things were getting dicey in the fourth quarter with Seattle trailing 21-14 and 5:42 on the clock, but Wilson hit Alvin Bailey for a touchdown and then Bailey kicked a tying 54-yard field goal as time expired. The Packers won the toss and Aaron Rodgers blurted out "We want the ball and we're going to score!"

What kind of an idiot would even...

Rodgers threw an interception to Bailey and he returned it 61 yards for the game-winning touchdown. It's a Cincy-Seattle Super Bowl, y'all.

Super Bowl

The game started off quietly with each team punting it on their first five drives, even though Alvin Bailey was pinning ball after ball inside the 10 yard line on his punts. The Bengals struck first when A.J. Green caught a 41-yard touchdown pass from Dalton with 10:46 left in the second quarter to make it 7-0.

Golden Tate fumbled on the next possession and the ball was recovered by Adam Jones to setup a field goal to make it 10-0. It remained that way until just before the first half, when Seattle was lining up for a 40-yard field goal try but the snap was fumbled and recovered by Cincinnati.

10-0 at half.

The halftime show featuring Jay-Z, The Backstreet Boys, Lady Gaga, Frank Stallone, Wreckx n Effect and Bob Dylan was said to be "interesting" but everyone agreed that Alvin Bailey "killed it" on the keytar.

The Bengals got the ball to start the second half and Giovani Bernard drove a stake through the hearts of Seahawks fans everywhere with a 71-yard touchdown run.

17-0 and then a field goal later on made it 20-0.

Entering the fourth quarter, the fans were saddened and dejected, and even the players needed a morale boost somehow. Who could possibly boost these players spirits at a moment like this?

Just then something emerged from the shadows of the tunnel entering the locker room. Fans looked on as if somehow they were paying attention to the tunnel instead of the game, but sure enough they were and it even was put on the big board for the whole stadium to see.

How could it be? We thought you were dead... It's Kenneth. Did you fake your own death? Do you even clog, bro?

What they didn't know what they couldn't know was that spacetimetravelers, with the help of zoglogz, went back and deflected the killer clog and saved his life. Even if it meant the end of humanity as we know it, this life had to be saved because he really liked the Seahawks and it would be neat for him to be alive for this. That's it, actually.

But Kenneth went up and huddled the players together.

"Listen, dudes. You're the coolest. Go out there, and be even cooler. 1-2-3- COOL!"

Nobody else did the chant because they didn't know what was going on, who was this guy? But maybe his plan was so crazy it had to work. They went out there and they got even cooler.

Wilson led a 80-yard drive that ended in a 4-yard touchdown run from Wilson to make it 20-7 with just under nine minutes remaining. Seattle forced a quick punt and Percy Harvin returned it to the house to make the score 20-14 with seven minutes to go. They could actually pull this off.

Dalton picked up a couple of first downs for Cincy but finally had to punt it away with 3:41 left. Harvin called for a fair catch at the Seattle 14-yard line.

Wilson-to-Miller for 15 yards.

Wilson-to-Tate for 8 yards.

Wilson incomplete pass.

Wilson run left for 5 yards.

Wilson-to-Lynch for 12 yards.

Seattle at the Bengals 46-yard line with 1:57 to go.

Wilson incomplete pass.

Wilson-to-Rice for 10 yards.

Wilson run right for 6 yards. Clock ticking. :46 to go.

Wilson incomplete pass.

Wilson incomplete pass.

4th-and-4, :24 to go. Wilson in shotgun formation with Lynch to his right and three receivers bunched to the left. "Hut, hut, hike" or so goes the cliche.

Wilson evades a sack. Then another. He scrambles to the left, looks like he's about to run for it but Charles Johnson appears to be in his way of a first down. You know it's the final play when Wilson heaves it towards the end zone. The camera pans with the ball as a hundred million people rise to their feet. "Who is going to be in the end zone when the camera gets there? Is anyone open? Is there a chance?"

The camera finally makes its way to where the ball will land as three Seahawks and five Bengals group together for the "Flyers Up" moment. Rice leaps, Jones leaps, Terrance Newman leaps, and Golden Tate emerges from out of nowhere in front. The ball is tipped up for just a moment and as if Superman himself is flying around orbit, the world stops.

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