Well I started this on SBNation.com/NFL earlier this year and ran it a few times but they opted to go a more traditional route during the regular season. Oh well, it's better off here anyway! (No, it's really not.)
These are the Un-Power Rankings, which is partly a ranking based on how I think the draft will fall and partly just a reverse power ranking, and partly none of your gd business. It's a peak into what's going on in the NFL (and by that I obviously meant that this article is like a mountaintop that's thrusting itself into the league to learn the goings-on of football) and how I view the other teams in the league. I try to give win-loss record the proper amount of credit that it is due, which is "some" but I am also trying to do my best to decide what the win-loss record will end up being -- as best a person can do.
There is one team that is far away the worst and two teams that are far and a way the best, but that's only after three weeks. I'm sure nothing will happen over the next fourteen weeks to change these rankings, right? Because if that happened, it would make every previous edition a lie.
Here are the Un-Power Rankings for Week 3 in the NFL.
1. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-3)
Mike Mularkey was fired after one season in Jacksonville, as the Jaguars were outscored by 189 points. The Jags are on pace to be outscored by 341 under Gus Bradley.
The good news is that if Seattle keeps this up, him and Dan Quinn might be able to switch jobs!
Up next: Colts
2. Minnesota Vikings (0-3)
Despite winning 10 games last season, this is still a team that won nine games in the two years before that.
My only guess as to why they keep running out Christian Ponder every week is that Leslie Frazier gets to see him go against the Vikings secondary in practice and is constantly tricked into believing he's fixed. He needs to start Memento-tattooing himself.
"Ponder sucks" right on the forehead.
Up next: Steelers in London
3. Washington Redskins (0-3)
Seems like we'll have to shelve that "RGIII or Russell Wilson" debate for the time being.
Up next: at Raiders
4. Oakland Raiders (1-2)
Opposing quarterbacks have completed 76.5% of their passes against the Raiders... and they faced Chad Henne in Week 2. RGIII has a chance to get a nice boost this week.
And possibly Matt Flynn!
Up next: Redskins
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3)
To be perfectly honest, the Bucs still seem to me like a team that can finish 9-7 -- they lost their first two games by three points total -- but did Greg Schiano screw himself over by so blatantly disliking the play of Josh Freeman going into the year? Because other than all the media mess surrounding their domestic discourse, what's stopping him from benching Freeman?
Up next: Cardinals
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (0-3)
Getting to put the Steelers here certainly doesn't suck.
Up next: Vikings in London
7. Cleveland Browns (1-2)
This is Joe Thomas's eighth year in the NFL. He might be the most unheralded player ever to walk into the NFL Hall of Fame.
It's not easy to put Cleveland here, because their defense looks really good, but man that offense looks so bad. This years Arizona Cardinals.
Up next: Bengals
8. New York Giants (0-3)
The Giants could save like $35 million over the next two years if they cut Eli Manning after the season.
One simple thing about Eli Manning; If the Giants get the opportunity to draft Teddy Bridgewater or Tajh Boyd, the fans might not be so quick to defend their poster boy.
Up next: at Chiefs
9. Buffalo Bills (1-2)
I'm impressed already with Doug Marrone, but hell three games could still be a fluke. And we're talking about a possible "fluke" 1-2 record here.
Up next: Ravens
10. Arizona Cardinals (1-2)
Hmmm... maybe the NFC West won't be that hard for the Cardinals to navigate towards second place after all.
Up next: at Bucs
11. New York Jets (2-1)
Rex Ryan still knows how to run a defense, but the offense has eight turnovers and they've only beaten the Bucs and Bills. Barely.
Up next: at Titans
12. Philadelphia Eagles (1-2)
Chip Kelly's master plan was obviously start off his professional career against the Redskins and Chargers, who happen to be 31st and 32nd in yards allowed so far this season. And then they played the Chiefs.
Next three games are on the road and Kelly could be moving up this list quicker than the Oregon offense ever moved down the field.
Up next: at Broncos
13. San Diego Chargers (1-2)
Like the Bucs, I still think that San Diego can finish with a winning record. They aren't very far away at all from being 3-0. The only difference is that Mike McCoy will still have a job in the NFL next season and Schiano will be coaching San Dimas High.
Up next: Cowboys
14. Tennessee Titans (2-1)
Despite their record, despite how close they are to being undefeated, the Titans still look like a team to me that's going to open the year 3-5. The "Mike Munchak era" will be like the Jim Mora era in Seattle, except most people won't realize it was three years long.
Mora's season just felt like three years.
Up next: Jets
15. St. Louis Rams (1-2)
I still can't in good conscience put the Niners below the Rams, but it could be a clean swap after Thursday's game in St. Louis.
Up next: 49ers
16. San Francisco 49ers (1-2)
Remember 2011, when the Niners were great and the Seahawks were still finding their identity and so the 49ers fans would talk a lot of shit about how much better they were than us from then up until... hmmm.. about a week ago?
Just wondering if you remember that.
Up next: at Rams
17. Miami Dolphins (3-0)
Oh, hey, remember that Ryan Tannehill was also a rookie last year? The Browns, Vikings, Jaguars and Buccaneers all passed on Tannehill. Cleveland was stupid to do so, Minnesota got a good player and likely regrets nothing, Jacksonville still thought that Blaine Gabbert could be a thing, and Schiano wasn't ready to publicly tell the world that he thought Josh Freeman was going to shit the bed.
A lot of people on this very website were very split on Tannehill as a QB, but he's having a better season that RGIII and Colin Kaepernick so far. (But I still think the Dolphins have some things they need to work on.)
Up next: at Saints
18. Atlanta Falcons (1-2)
Miami fans would be upset being ranked ahead of a team that they just beat, but the Falcons had a 95% win expectancy with a little more than five minutes left in the game and then Matt Bryant missed a 35-yard field goal and the defense s'd the b again.
Overall, I still find Atlanta to be the better team. Especially once Roddy White and Steven Jackson are at full health again.
Up next: Patriots
19. Dallas Cowboys (2-1)
Why not in the twenties?
I'm just anticipating the Dallas December.
Up next: at Chargers
20. Carolina Panthers (1-2)
Unlike some teams with better records than them, the Panthers actually display some dominance in certain areas of football. They lost by five points to perhaps the best team in football (!), they lost by a point to Buffalo, and the beat the Giants by 38. Carolina's next four games has them staring at a possible 5-2 record.
And they get a week off already.
Up next: Bye
21. Detroit Lions (2-1)
"City of Detroit, we know times are tough right now, but at least the Lions are winning and Nate Burleson is having a great ye-
excuse me I have a call.
What? Trying to save a pizza?? Jesus Christ.
Guys, we're fucked."
Papa John Bears
22. Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
Ravens have an interesting next five games. Four of them are on the road, but they are at Buffalo, Miami, Pittsburgh and Cleveland. The home game is Green Bay. If Baltimore is still a playoff team, we'll find out soon.
As of yet, it's still kind of hard to know what to make of them. Is it weird that John Harbaugh is more successful than his brother and yet I have no opinion on him whatsoever?
Up next: at Bills
23. Houston Texans (2-1)
THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR TRAINING REGIMEN.
Up next: Seahawks
24. Indianapolis Colts (2-1)
I never thought that I'd have the Colts this low and behind the Texans, but I'm not sure how long that will last. They are sixth in scoring defense, having played the Raiders, Dolphins, and a short-handed 49ers offense, so I don't think that defensive ranking will last long at all.
But in that division, 11 or even 12 wins seems possible for Indy. 3-1 is almost a certainty...
Up next: at Jaguars
25. Green Bay Packers (1-2)
The Packers started 2-3 last season. Remember?
They still have two games left against the Vikings, plus games against the Browns, Giants, Eagles, and Steelers. If they win half of their tougher games, they'll be fine... I think. There's some math in there.
Up next: Bye
26. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1)
I'd like to have them a little lower, they're my AFC Super Bowl pick. They could play cleaner, better, and should be 3-0 right now. They mounted a great comeback against the Packers when pretty much everybody thought that game was over even before Green Bay came back from a 14-0 deficit.
I might be favoring Denver at the moment, but when the playoffs roll around Peyton may find a way to let the Bengals slip by, of course. It's what he do!
Up next: at Browns
27. Chicago Bears (3-0)
Already 11 turnovers forced plus Marc Trestman has the offense looking like a much better unit. Jay Cutler has only been sacked three times, which is what he used to call "the first quarter." Going into the season, Chicago was probably the team in the NFC that worried me more than any other, but still something feels off.
*stares longingly outside of a window covered in rain drops at a picture of Brian Urlacher that for some reason is out on the front lawn*
Up next: at Lions
28. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)
Nobody likes that guy that constantly tells you that "I knew they were going to be good months ago!"
Nobody like me, then. :(
Up next: Giants
29. New Orleans Saints (3-0)
You can like me again! I thought the Saints would suck, but Sean Payton has more of a positive effect on this team than I had realized.
This once again feels like the Saints team that dominated the league (offensively speaking) for years.
Up next: Dolphins
30. New England Patriots (3-0)
Tom Brady is having the worst statistical season of his entire career, but at some point will get Rob Gronkowski and Danny Amendola back. And the Pats are 3-0. And the defense is playing well. Hey, Brady has won a lot more Super Bowls as a game manager than as a statistical anomaly.
Up next: at Falcons
31. Seattle Seahawks (3-0)
Bill Burr had an awesome rant about the Seahawks on his podcast last week. I feel like I talk a lot of shit about other teams (which I should feel, because I do) so I'll let Bill do the shit-talking this time. Don't be mad at Bill Burr, he's one of the best comics out there. (I'm seeing him tonight!)
Up next: at Texans
32. Denver Broncos (3-0)
"Heavy is the crown" blah something. Let the Broncos sit here for now, they're definitely better than every team on their schedule right now and a lot better than most of them. They play the Pats, twice against the Chiefs, a few difficult games, but nothing they shouldn't win.
And they still aren't playing with Von Miller. I would say "15 wins on the low end" for Denver.
That's the end of the Un-Power Rankings. The following message is unrelated and not endorsed by anybody other than yours truly:
Only because I threw part one of my Thailand Podcast into an article the other week, I figured I would at least put part two up for anybody that has any interest. I'm looking at you, sir or singular gentleman. If you're not interested, that's more than understandable. (I'm great at self-promotion.) Listen live below or download Thailand Part II
In this edition, I talk about how my buddy got sick in a sacred Bangkok temple and how we were told to travel to a city that sounded like a great party town but instead just turned out to be a scary-as-hell sex tourism destination.