Last week you guys really enjoyed this, especially the part where I posted a clip from comedian Bill Burr. All the comments were something like "yeah, that was great! haha!" and "LOL, that knucklehead!" and that's exactly what happened. I think. I have what psychologists call "selective memory" and my dad came back with cigarettes that one day just like he said he would.
During the offseason I expressed the idea that the Rams weren't exactly a team I was penning for the playoffs. Pencil, maybe. No. 2 with a fresh eraser, definitely. Mechanical? What're ya, nuts?! The fact of the matter is no matter how good they had looked on paper, we were still talking about the Rams here. This is the same franchise that happened to be the only thing standing between Seattle and their 2010 playoff appearance against the Saints, and then the next year were in a position to draft Robert Griffin III.
Which they opted not to do. Which may be alright, depending on your long-term thoughts on RGIII and Sam Bradford, but once again they might be in position to draft a franchise quarterback. Not just because of the fact that they also have the draft pick that originally belonged to the Washington Redskins (and RGIII at the helm of a ship leading St. Louis to a top draft pick) but because once again the Rams stink.
They really, really stink.
And I thought that if the Rams were to be terrible, it would be because of an offense that really had no running game and possibly no receivers, but instead the defense that seemed so young, fresh, and talented is 28th in the league in points allowed. They are the Atlanta Falcons only win, they breathed new life into the 49ers, they are the wind beneath shitty teams wings.
I didn't jump the Rams into the top five this week but they did go up nine spots. The number two spot instead belongs to the New York Giants, a team that was eighth last week before I must finally concede that they are even terribler. The Giants very probably have the worst defense in the league and their offense ain't good either. Even though I want nothing good for New York, I admit I'll be intrigued if they wind up with a top two pick.
And I'll be schadenfreudely elated if they released Eli Manning because of it.
Back almost by unpopular demand this week, here are the Un-Power Rankings after the first quarter of the season.
(It is mostly footbally and not my usual brand of humor. So you might actually enjoy it!)
1. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-4) Last week: 1
The Jags seem like such a sure bet to pick first next year that I'm almost starting to feel like they certainly won't. Like, as if this season couldn't get any worse, what if they end up winning two games and it pushes them to picking second? It's not like it would be that bad to pick second in this years draft with Teddy Bridgewater and Jadeveon Clowney, but it's usually just better to have every option at your disposal.
This week might be there best chance at blowing their ability to do that.
Up next: at Rams
2. New York Giants (0-4) Last week: 8
While the Seahawks have turned themselves into amazing over the last 12 months, the Giants are going in the opposite direction. New York started last season at 6-2 and they are 3-9 since. It seems grossly fitting that somehow New York would flop this year and wind up with an elite talent that turns them around immediately, like Clowney.
Up next: Eagles
3. Oakland Raiders (1-3) Last week: 4
Oh man, imagine if the Seahawks had rested on their laurels after signing Matt Flynn last year.
Up next: Chargers
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-4) Last week: 5
Mike Glennon or Bust? Why not Mike Glennon AND Bust?
Up next: Bye
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (0-4) Last week: 6
Two games that I'm skeptical of putting too much weight into are the Thursday game (as always) and the London game (as always.) But the Steelers still look pretty terrible, even in other countries. The exchange rate to the Euro has them going from "Shitty" to "Super shitty."
Up next: Bye
6. St. Louis Rams (1-3) Last week: 15
Up next: Jaguars
7. Washington Redskins (1-3) Last week: 3
If this is how the draft ended up falling, this pick would go to the Rams. Can't wait to see how they blow it.
Up next: Bye
8. Minnesota Vikings (1-3) Last week: 2
A lot of what Matt Cassel did this week (248 yards, two touchdowns) can be attributed to poor defensive play and good open-field play from Greg Jennings and Jerome Simpson but if that works, then it works. And anything that involves benching Christian Ponder is bound for success.
Up next: Bye
9. New York Jets (2-2) Last week: 11
Okay, so now their defense might suck too. New York ranking ninth only goes to show how awful a third of the league looks right now.
Up next: at Falcons on Monday Night
10. Philadelphia Eagles (1-3) Last week: 12
Thanks to Chip Kelly, the Eagles are averaging an extra touchdown per game on offense. Thanks to Chip Kelly (?) the Eagles are also allowing an extra touchdown per game on defense!
Up next: at Giants
11. Arizona Cardinals (2-2) Last week: 10
They haven't played with Daryl Washington yet, could the Cards finish second in the NFC West?
Up next: Panthers
12. Cleveland Browns (2-2) Last week: 7
There's a solid chance that Brian Hoyer is going to improve to 3-0 and possibly screw Cleveland out of finding a franchise QB in the same way that Derek Anderson once did.
Up next: Bills on Thursday Night
13. Buffalo Bills (2-2) Last week: 9
The Bills not sucking still doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. They're like the perfectly average team!
Up next: at Browns on Thursday Night
14. Tennessee Titans (3-1) Last week: 14
I think it would be cool to believe in Titans, let alone remember them, but now they have to win with Ryan Fitzpatrick and their next three games are Chiefs, at Seahawks, 49ers. If they come out of that with any record better than 3-4, then I'll concede I was wrong.
Up next: Chiefs
15. Dallas Cowboys (2-2) Last week: 19
Not getting embarrassed by Denver at home will go a long ways towards solidifying the Cowboys as not-shitty. I don't know that they'll be able to accomplish that.
Because hey, the Chargers just beat them.
Up next: Broncos
16. San Diego Chargers (2-2) Last week: 13
Hey look, it's us! The Chargers!
Up next: at Raiders
17. Atlanta Falcons (1-3) Last week: 18
Ultimately their lack of a pass rush will probably keep them out of the playoffs, but they've lost to two teams that are undefeated and one team that's only not undefeated because they lost to one of the undefeated teams. Let's see how much we don't like them after their next three games: Jets, Bucs, and Cardinals.
Up next: Jets on Monday Night
18. Baltimore Ravens (2-2) Last week: 22
Sure, there's plenty not to like about the Ravens.
Up next: at Dolphins
19. Miami Dolphins (3-1) Last week: 17
Sure, there are plenty of reasons to discount the Dolphins.
Up next: Ravens
20. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2) Last week: 26
This pains me because my AFC Super Bowl pick has played so underwhelming this season... which of course means they are playing exactly like an AFC Champion!
Up next: Patriots
21. San Francisco 49ers (2-2) Last week: 16
Why such a big fall down the list despite only beating the Rams? They've got the next two at home with the Texans and Cardinals and then two on the road with the Jaguars and a Locker-less Titans team. Should come out of the first half no worse than 5-3 and then they get a bye week, possibly the return of Michael Crabtree shortly after.
Up next: Texans
22. Detroit Lions (3-1) Last week: 21
The thing that scares me so much about Detroit is that I get the feeling that if Reggie Bush got hurt, they'd collapse. And we're talking about the luck of Detroit here.
Up next: at Packers
23. Houston Texans (2-2) Last week: 23
Rams, Raiders, two games against the Jaguars... 9-7 may be good enough to get you an AFC Wild Card.
Up next: at 49ers
24. Chicago Bears (3-1) Last week: 27
It used to be that Brandon Marshall, Matt Forte, and Jay Cutler were literally the only three Bears sent out for the offensive unit, but now they also use Martellus Bennett, Alshon Jeffery, and they've opted for offensive lineman this year. But six sacks in four games?
Even Marc Trestman will eventually play some defense, right?
Up next: Saints
25. Carolina Panthers (1-2) Last week: 20
A 1-2 team as the 25th worst team in football? Why does Pro Football Reference rank the Panthers as the second-best team in the NFC? They only barely lost to the best team in the NFC, they lost by a point on the road to the 2-2 Bills, they won their other game by 38 points.
Their next five opponents have won five games total.
Up next: at Cardinals
26. Green Bay Packers (1-2) Last week: 25
A 1-2 team as the 26th best team in football? Aaron Rodgers is so fine he blows my mind. A loss to the Lions this week would only make me slightly worried about Green Bay's playoff hopes -- but they wouldn't be far off from how they started last season.
Up next: Lions
27. Indianapolis Colts (3-1) Last week: 24
The debate between Andrew Luck and RGIII was whether or not you wanted to take the "running quarterback." Which is what the Colts did of course:
Luck - 16 rushes for 126 yards and two touchdowns
RGIII - 18 rushes for 72 yards and no touchdowns
(Flipped the script on you, huh?)
Up next: Seahawks
28. Kansas City Chiefs (4-0) Last week: 28
Even though 13-3 is a real possibility, how "tested" is Kansas City going to be for the playoffs? They play the Broncos twice, the Colts, and the Texans, and three of those are home games. It seems very likely that the only playoff teams they'll have faced is the winner of the NFC East (garbage), the winner of the AFC South (meh) and the Broncos.
Up next: at Titans
29. New Orleans Saints (4-0) Last week: 29
I'll be a lot more interested after their next two games, at Chicago and at New England.
Up next: at Bears
30. New England Patriots (4-0) Last week: 30
Is it just me or do I hate all but two teams this year? It certainly seems like the Seahawks and Broncos are far and away the two best teams in football, but I'm sure at other times more teams will step up as we get deeper into the season. But unless the Patriots or Saints manage to secure the number one seed in their respective conferences, it would be pretty surprising to see these next two teams lose at home.
Up next: at Bengals
31. Seattle Seahawks (4-0) Last week: 31
Here's comedian Bill Burr telling Seattle to- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Up next: at Colts
32. Denver Broncos (4-0) Last week: 32
Seattle and Denver will have common opponents in the form of the AFC South. I don't know if it's the Super Bowl I "want" to see, but yeah that would be a hell of a game.
Do you think John Fox has called a play in the last two years?
Up next: at Cowboys