The Adventures of DangeRuss! Part Three

The room was dark and musty. A bowl of cigarette butts overflowed onto the untidy desk full of half realized stories and overdue bank fees. An Enemy Spy slumped in the chair, staring down at the manuscript in front of him. A revolver sat next to it, a single bullet loaded in one of the chambers.

Maybe this will be the day. An Enemy Spy thought.

He opened the yellowed pages of the manuscript and thumbed through it. Garbage? Complete and utter garbage is what the contents of those papers were. Oh, he’d been young then, and full of dreams. Not at all like the man who sat there today. Unshaven, unwashed, fat and despicable. He’d long given up on caring about his appearance, and that was evident just from looking at him.

He turned on Field Gulls and scrolled through the archives to that piece he’d written all those months ago, when things had seemed so much brighter.

The Adventures of Dangeruss! Part Two. Oh, he remembered writing that, with its cornball jokes and silly poll at the end. One of the choices was labeled: An Enemy Spy is a terrible author. There were three votes for that one. No comments, no recs. Just a barren piece of Dean Winchester slash fic that didn’t even offer any payoff.

Perhaps An Enemy Spy was a fool for thinking he could change the world. Maybe he just didn’t have what it takes anymore. He sighed and took another shot of bourbon. It was time to write.

When we last left our intrepid space adventurer, he had been shot down by a mysterious masked man while battling the evil Niner space fleet. DangeRuss is now at the mercy of this ruthless mercenary, who has turned out to be none other than old comrade, Matt Flynn!

*cue organ music*

"Now do you recognize me?" Flynn said.

"But how did you survive?" Russell said, using the most astonished voice he could muster.

"It was years ago, back when we were partners. Back when that space cloud had made everything all sepia toned for a while. You and I were flying above the planet Revned. A mile high, I believe."

"I know all that, Flynn." Russell said heroically. Russell said everything heroically. He was a hero, after all. "You had that Owen guy in your cockpit, and he made your ship crash."

"Yes. He really dropped the ball on that one. But my beef isn’t with him, Russell. It’s with you!"

"Me?" Russell gasped in a heroic fashion. "What did I do?"

"If you’d shut up and let me talk, I’m trying to get to that." Flynn said.

"Sorry." Russell apologized in a heroic tone of voice.

"Owen died in the crash. But I was able to crawl from the wreckage. I crawled on my hands and knees for thirty days through the harsh environment, until I was discovered by the horse faced leader of the planet Revned. It later turned out he was actually a horse, but that’s irrelevant. They took me and sold me to the Galactic Raiders."

Everyone knew about the Galactic Raiders. They were the most feared bunch of pirates, pillagers, rapers, burners, cello players, and murderers in the whole universe.

"I was made to work in their slave camps, and fight for their entertainment in their death pits. One commander realized that I would make a good Raider and recruited me into their ranks. Nine minutes later, I killed the Head Raider and took his place. I burned planet after planet, but my rage was never satisfied. I swore that I would never stop until I had my revenge on you."

"Wait a minute." Russell said. "I singlehandedly defeated the Galactic Raiders a long time ago. I didn’t see you there."

"I had elbow pain and had to sit out the battle. But now nothing will stop me from killing you. You abandoned me Russell. You left me to die on that planet and now I will do the same to you. Only not, obviously, because I’m about to kill you."

He raised the gun. "Any last words?"

"Just this." Russell said. "Look out for that giant panther behind you."

"Ha!" Flynn laughed. "You’re not going to fool me with that old-"

Flynn’s sentence was interrupted by the giant panther behind him, who promptly ate him.

Russell sprung to his feet and ran into Flynn’s ship. The controls were different from Russell’s ship, but let’s face it, he’s a bit of a Mary Sue so of course he knew how to fly it.

"Get onboard." He said to the panther. The panther swallowed the last bit of Matt Flynn and came onto the ship. "I’m sure a giant ferocious jungle cat should be useful for defeating Lord McBabypants."

The panther yawned in agreement. Russell Wilson was the best Russell Wilson in the whole universe, and part of that entailed the ability to speak with animals.

The panther belched, and Flynn’s face concealing helmet rolled out of its mouth.

"Hey thanks! This will make a good disguise for sneaking onto the Niner ship."

Russell wiped off the spit, blood, and stomach juices from the helmet and put it on.

"Let’s go." He said.

He fired up the engines and blasted off.

The Adventures of DangeRuss will conclude next week. Or maybe not. Who knows?

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