When last we left our intrepid space hero, he had outwitted the evil Matt Flynn by the tried and true strategy of having him be eaten by a giant panther. Now, Russell and his new feline ally are on their way to the Niner starship to stop the dark lord McBabypants from using his At-O-Miser superweapon to conquer the entire universe.
With all the necessary exposition out of the way, Russell expertly piloted Flynn’s silver and black ship in a straight line. The Niner ship was massive, bigger than the whole planet. No, the whole universe! Well, probably not that big, but you get the point.
A squadron of golden starfighters swooped in on Russell.
"Identify your identity." Said the squadron commander, whose name will not be divulged here lest you gain an emotional attachment to him and begin rooting for the bad guys.
"Matt Flynn." Said Russell in his best Matt Flynn voice. It was, as everything Russell did in his life, flawless.
"Then DangeRuss is no more?"
"That is correct. He is absolutely dead, and certainly not disguised as Matt Flynn, who is me."
"Hmm. Well that makes sense. I guess we can skip the usual scan since you’re so obviously Matt Flynn." The anonymous squadron commander, who certainly doesn’t have any family or loved ones, at least any that you know of, said. Then, just to prove that he was evil, Russell turned his guns on the Niner ships and blew them all up. Heroically.
"That was a close shave." Russell said to the panther.
The ship landed in the hangar of the massive ship. Russell and the panther got out, and after several minutes of filling out rigorous paperwork, they were ready to find and defeat McBabypants once and for all, providing that it wouldn’t be more dramatically appropriate to let him escape at the last moment. A hero does have to keep his job security in mind, after all, and nothing ends a heroing career faster than permanently wiping out the galaxy’s greatest threat forever.
"Be careful. We’ll probably have to sneak through a labyrinthine maze of corridors and tunnels, battling guards and robots and bypassing all manner of traps before we get to McBabypants’ throne room."
Russell opened the door leading deeper into the ship and stealthily crept through.
He was in the throne room.
It was fairly typical as evil throne rooms go. Dark and shadowy with a tall ceiling, large windows looking out into the gloomy dark eternity of space, bottomless pit in one corner for no obvious reason.
"Ah, Flynn, my minion." McBabypants said evilly, as was his wont. "I see you have returned from your mission. And shrunk several inches from the look of it."
"Yes." Russell said. "It is done, my dark, evil, foul, vile, rude, uh, jerk master."
Kaepernick sneered down his beak at Russell. "And why do you have a panther with you?"
"All the better to kill you with!" Russell shouted. "Because I’m evil, you see."
"Very good." McBabypants said. Evilly. "I approve of my two highest minions battling to the death. Begin."
Kaepernick drew his light
sabercutlass and charged. The panther roared and also charged. The two of them battled for hours, but it was Kaepernick who emerged victorious. The panther, its part in the story finished, slunk off in shame.
"Evil laugh!" McBabypants chortled. "Now, I have a question for you, Flynn. If your identity has already been revealed to the audience, why do you still insist on wearing that ominous face concealing helmet?"
"Hold on." Russell said. "We’re aware of the audience? I thought we weren’t supposed to break the fourth wall."
"Silence!" McBabypants screamed. "Take off that helmet, Flynn. Or should I say, DangeRuss?"
"Yes. I knew it was you all along. Why else would I have allowed you to come on to my ship? It was the perfect trap! Kaepernick, seize him!"
"Now have him thrown in the dungeon!"
"Your ship has a dungeon?" Russell asked.
"I don’t see why we don’t just kill him right now." Kaepernick said.
"Silence!" McBabypants screamed again. "Which one of us is the evil despot bent on ruling the entire universe? Me or you?"
"You." Kaepernick said despondently.
Russell was taken to the dungeon, a brightly lit holding area with all the amenities necessary for holding a prisoner, while still allowing them to be comfortable. The cell had a television, a leather couch, and even a pool table. It rather failed to live up to the name given to it.
"This is where you will be held while we complete our destruction of the planet Nnifelia." Kaepernick said. "And then we’ll kill you afterwards, for some reason. Personally, I don’t see why we don’t just kill you right now, but what the hell do I know?"
"Kaepernick, why do you work for McBabypants if you don’t like the way he does things?"
"I’m a Niner. He’s the lord of the Niners."
"But he doesn’t have to be. What if you were on that throne instead of him? I can help you overthrow him and take his spot as the dark lord of the Niner Empire."
"Hmm." Kaepernick hmmed. "I would like to be in charge around here, by should I trust you?"
"Because if I turned on you, I wouldn’t have a villain to defeat in later adventures." Russell said.
"You do make a good point. Fine, I’ll help you defeat McBabypants and destroy the At-O-Mizer. I always thought that weapon had a stupid name anyway."
"I’ll save you!" Somebody from behind yelled out. An energy blast vaporized Kaepernick. Behind him stood Flynn.
"Flynn? But how are you alive?" said Russell in heroic confusion.
"I managed to escape at the very last second in our battle."
"No you didn’t. You were eaten by a panther. I saw the whole thing. He even threw up part of your torso on the way here."
"No. I escaped." Flynn said. Russell shrugged and went along with it.
"So now what? You want to finish me off for good?"
"No. I’m a good guy now. I want to help you.’
"But you were just trying to kill me less than an hour ago."
"I’ve had a lot of character development between then and now. I’ve been waiting on the ship for you to arrive so I could leap in and help at the moment when things were looking their darkest. Unfortunately, McBabypants saw through your clever and sexy disguise."
"How did you get here before I did?"
"That’s not important. What is important is that soon McBabypants is going to destroy this planet, and then the rest of the galaxy if we don’t stop him."
"Fine." Russell said. "Let’s go."
They both drew their ray guns and headed off for the throne room, blasting literally hundreds of hapless and criminally incompetent Niner guards on the way there as they fought through the ship.
Finally, they arrived in the throne room.
"Evil laugh!" McBabypants laughed. "I have waited for this day for a long time, DangeRuss. Now we shall battle for the first and final time!"
"Not so fast!" Flynn said. He aimed him ray gun at McBabypants and fired.
McBabypants blocked the shot using his powers that he apparently has, and shot Flynn with lightning.
"Evil laugh!" he shouted triumphantly.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!" Russell screamed before falling to his knees, panting for breath.
He rushed to Flynn’s side. "It’s gonna be okay, Flynn."
"Forgive me." Flynn said. "I did not see. I have failed you."
"No, Flynn. You fought bravely. You have kept your honor."
"It is over. The universe will fall, and all will come to darkness, and our galaxy to ruin."
"I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you I will not let the galaxy fall, nor our people fail."
"Our people." Flynn struggled to say with his last breaths. "Our people. I would have followed you, my brother. My captain. My king." His eyes closed and he spoke no more.
That maudlin scene out of the way, Russell turned to face McBabypants.
"You’ll pay for that!"
He rushed at the Dark Lord, ducking and jumping, weaving back and forth as McBabypants shot bolt after bolt of lightning at him. He closed on the villain, raised his mighty fist and punched him in the nose.
"Ow!" McBabypants squealed. "I tink you boke by dose!"
"I’ll break more than that." Russell said, and pushed the big red button that read "At-O-Mizer Self Destruct: Refrain from Pushing."
"Noooooooo! That’s not fair!" McBabypants screamed. "You cheated!" His arms flailed, his feet stomped, spittle flew from his mouth and tears streamed from his eyes.
Russell’s scanner blooped at him. He looked at the screen.
LEVEL 49 BITCHFIT ALERT! EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY!
Russell ran from the throne room and into the hangar to get in his ship and flee. Inside the hangar, though, a man was waiting for him. No, Russell realized, it was a horse with a man’s body.
The sinister equine slowly clapped his hands. Clap. Clap. Clap.
"Well done, DangeRuss. You have defeated my Niner pawns, but the true test is still before you."
"Elway!" Russell gasped. Elway was the most evil horse in the entire universe, and Russell’s oldest enemy.
"Yes. It was I who was behind this entire plan. Did you really think that the Niners were clever enough to conquer the entire universe? No! It was my master plan! And now you have fallen right into my trap! For I am the deadliest and most cunning foe you have ever faced!"
Russell pulled his ray gun and shot him.
"That was easy." He said.
Russell jumped into the spaceship. "Punch it!" he shouted to the panther.
The panther gunned the engines and the ship flew out of the Niner ship, just barely escaping the massive fireball that vaporized the entire Niner fleet. It was very exciting.
After collecting his reward from President Tebow, Wilson and his panther sidekick returned to the planet Veemak.
The blue skinned space babe was waiting for him when he walked through the front door. "What were you doing?" she asked.
"Oh, just some routine work." He replied. "The usual." He held out a paper bag. "I brought you some horse meat."