This is how Doug Baldwin reacted to this post. In my mind.
1. Doug Baldwin is not a mammal.
Fact: Doug Baldwin is a ninja. Fact: Ninjas are memmals. Therefore, Doug Baldwin is an amazing wide receiver who plays for the Seahawks.
2. Ninja crime is rampant,. Whitehouse is not the exception.
Actually, that one's true, as evidenced by this picture:
Look, people. I'm not here to tell you that your cherished myths are reality. I am here to BUST THEM. And if hard-hitting journalism such as finding the above picture on the Internet is what it takes to blow your MINDS, then consider your minds BLOWN. /me drops the mic
/me picks the mic back up, realizing that /me has only done 2 myths so far and arguably only one.
3. Doug Baldwin attended school at Stanford University.
In fact, Stanford University attended school at Doug Baldwin.
You may be asking yourself: "self, the above sentence did not make any sense. What gives? Have I eaten too much delicious Ivar's Clam Chowder* today and gotten a seafood 'jimmy'?". The answer, sirs and madams, is no. At least, not necessarily. I am no scientist so I cannot speak to whether or not the 'seafood jimmy' is an actual thing or if I just made it up right now, but I know this: Doug Baldwin is so amazing, Doug Baldwin causes language to warp around him the way the Starship Enterprise causes space/time to warp around it when travelling long distances. And Doug Baldwin, my friends and enemies, is always travelling long distances.
4. Doug Baldwin causes your pants to magically fly off of your legs and crotchal area.
This one is easy to explain. It is what we call the "slippery slope fallacy." See, Doug Baldwin does not directly cause you to do this. Doug Baldwin causes the Seahawks to win games, which in turn causes your pants to magically fly off. The extra step is vitally important to the mix. Now, don't get me wrong, I do not recommend logging into Field Gulls first thing in the morning before you've pantsed, as your underwear will keep flying off over and over again from sympathetic Doug Baldwin vibrations... and I just realized that if Doug Baldwin ever reads this, any chance of that restraining order being lifted will go away more quickly than Taylor Mays' career.
I have decided to leave that last bit in because my physical well-being is less important than your knowledge, dear reader.
5. Last year, Doug Baldwin caught 50 passes for 778 yards and 4 touchdowns.
You are a real big dummy if you think this one. In fact, Doug Baldwin caught 50 passes for 778 yards and 5 touchdowns. 5 is not 4. You should go back to school and learn your numbers, dum dum.
*LOOK I am in Phoenix at the moment and I will choose to pine for what I choose to pine for!