FanPost

Big Sac of 2014 NFL Predictions

Live, love, laugh, and enjoy my predictions for this upcoming NFL Season. Many NFL experts and analysts will disagree with much of what I have to say here, but then again most experts and analysts are idiots and incorrect most of the time themselves. So I'm probably spot on. They will more than likely be less accurate than someone that knows more about football than I do, but more accurate than Skip Bayless. Where's my twenty million dollar contract ESPN?

AFC East

1) New England Patriots: This is about as bold a prediction as claiming that the sun will rise in the east. Tom Brady will throw for around 4500 yards, 30-ish touchdowns and claim another division title as the biggest fish in one of the smallest ponds.

The Patriots secondary should be much improved, and will probably be a fantasy steal considering their downy soft schedule. Stephen Ridley will fumble, Julian Edelman will catch 100 balls. Gronk will get hurt, probably two or three times and Brandon Browner is guaranteed to hurt some poor wide receiver, after he serves his four game suspension.

Look for the Patriots to win around 12 games. Again. As one of the two best teams in the AFC, Patriots fans can look forward to losing to the Broncos again in the AFC title game. If by chance they get the game at home, they can probably squeak out the win and build just enough confidence for it to hurt when the NFC representative destroys them in Arizona.

2) New York Jets: Rex Ryan begins to realize that he's living in "Groundhogs Day" and he's Bill Murray, only not funny. The Jets will field another quality defense that will get worn down badly by the end of the year because their offense will again not live up to it's end of the bargain. CJ1K will become CJSlightlylessthan1K this year as defenses remember neither Geno Smith nor Michael Vick scare anybody not named Kelly Jennings. Kelly Jennings sucks. The J-E-T-S should win 8-ish games this year, good enough for 2nd in the AFC East again and good enough to miss the playoffs. Congrats Jets fans.

3) Buffalo Bills: Die hard Bills fans are praying for better than third place and a 6-7 win season. A trip to the playoffs could build even more local support for a city already desperate to keep their favorite team in town. It's not going to happen though. Why you ask? Because Spiller can't stay healthy, Jackson is old, and the quarterback is a guy named EJ Manuel. At least Bills fans have Byrd patrolling the back end of their defense....oh wait....Sorry, Buffalo. But hey, it could be worse. You could be Dolphins fans.

4) Miami Dolphins: NFL, you better get ready for Lamar Miller.

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BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. Ok he's alright. Ryan Tannehill is the new David Carr. A talented young QB that an incompetent front office and coaching staff will destroy in no time flat. I wouldn't be surprised if Tannehill already has PTSD from all the hits he's taken. The Dolphins will suck again this year. It's bad, and Fins fans should feel bad.

AFC South

1) Indianapolis Colts: In his third year, Andrew "Neck Beard" Luck will finally lift his statistical performance up from from the average-ish (if we're being honest) category to something with a passer rating north of 90 and 28 or so touchdowns and a little over 4000 yards. The Media will anoint him the Messiah.

Trent Richardson will continue to suck. TY Hilton will beast this year though, you can book it. Dwayne Allen could break out as a pass catching Tight End this year, if you want to take a late flier in the draft or hope you're the first one to the waiver wire after week one. They'll lose in the play-offs in New England, again.

2) Jacksonville Jaguars: The first surprise on this list, the Jags will have a punchers chance at breaking .500 this year. Jacksonville played tough down the stretch last year (don't laugh) and it appears that Gus Bradley is starting to get his players to buy in.

To help along that buy in, he now has former Seahawks Red Bryant and Chris Clemons on the roster as great role models, good players, and generally guys that will carry a lot of weight in the locker room. Toby Gerhardt will have a very good year in Jacksonville as well. Hopefully, Bortles surpasses Henne on the depth chart by week 4, if so, the Jags could surprise.

3) Houston Texans: I am so, so tempted to predict a 4th place finish here for the Texans. It's hard to believe that a team with a defense as good as this one, Arian Foster, and Andre Johnson on offense could be so bad.

Fuck Matt Schaub. Fuck him forever. Now, with Foster stating that he contemplated retirement, and Johnson being clearly unhappy with the QB situation it seems the "want to" has been sucked out of this squad. Because Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Texans fans should be seriously pissed that Rick Smith didn't trade back up to 32 to grab Teddy Bridgewater. Teddy was what this team needed. They should have seen that move from the Vikings coming.

4) Tennessee Titans: How can a dude as big as Jake Locker, who works as hard as Jake Locker works and with a name as manly as Jake Locker be as fragile as that aunt you have with osteoarthritis? If only Vince Young weren't a head case. It's probably karmic punishment for the awesomeness that was Steve McNair. That was so, so long ago. One yard.

AFC North

1) Cincinnati Bengals: Defense? Check. Dynamic, exciting offense? Check. Soul-less ginger of a quarterback that chokes in the playoffs to actual good teams? Check. Prove us wrong "Red Rifle", because we'll keep saying it for as long as it's true, and probably for even longer.

Because we're fans, and that's what fans do. Red Rifle....isn't that a dog's boner?

2) Pittsburgh Steelers: Hey did you guys hear about how Le'Veon Bell and Legarette Bount got caught with twenty ounces of purple cush? Yeah, that happened. They won't get suspended this year though, as the law takes a long long long time to do it's job when it's dealing with celebrities and professional athletes. They're special.

Antonio Brown is also special, but in a good way. Big Ben is not particularly likeable, especially if you're a co-ed with good taste in men, but he's a solid QB and and effective leader. Although not as good a leader as Peyton Manning, amiright Emmanuel Sanders?

The Steelers will make it to the playoffs as a wild card, but won't see much success, unless of course they're playing the Bengals.

3) Baltimore Ravens: Joe Flacco is not elite, you overpaid. Ray Rice went from super nice guy to gangsta Wayne Brady.

Torrey Smith could break out as an Andre Johnson type receiver under Kubiak, but he still has uni-brow throwing him the ball. But I guess if it worked with Matt Schaub anything's possible, right?

4) Cleveland Browns: Hoyer will start, prove himself mediocre, Manziel will come in and promptly also suck. I'm not saying he's going to bust, but he's no Russell Wilson. He won't be good this year. Oh yeah, one more thing. It's Cleveland, so...4th place.

AFC WEST

1) Denver Broncos: Denver is the the clear pick to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl again this year. Too bad for them that the NFC is so, so much better. The Broncos could have a chance in the big game though, if they can stay healthy but I'm guessing that age catches up with this team and even if it doesn't, the Broncos will likely take another February Donkey Punch.

2) San Diego Chargers: If their defense wasn't terrible, I'd give them a chance to take the division. But it is terrible. Phillip Rivers is still a very, very good QB even though he's a generally unlikable cry baby.

Ryan Matthews finally had a healthy season, so there's that. Keenan Allen is going to blow up this year, in a good way. But that defense tho...Sorry Charger fans, it's a Wild Card and a first round exit for you.

3) Kansas City Chiefs: The Chiefs could suck this year. Badly. They over performed last year against a super soft schedule while posting a truly impressive 1-5 record against winning teams.

They lost Brandon Flowers, Eric Berry likes to get hurt, Dwayne Bowe will start off the season with a one week vacation and there are serious questions on the offensive line.

I wouldn't be surprised to see Jamaal Charles get repeatedly blown up over the middle against NFC West Defenses as the Chiefs will be playing catch-up, often.

4) Oakland Raiders: Reggie Mckenzie did a good job of clearing away a lot of cap room, and then promptly did nothing with it. They could have easily signed a Jairus Byrd, or a Walter Thurmond, or both and had enough change leftover to keep Veldheer and then some. But they didn't. Because they're the Raiders. Just win, baby.

NFC EAST

1) Philadelphia Eagles: This is pretty obvious, as the Eagles are the only good team in the East. Dynamic play makers on offense supported by a smart, creative coaching staff is always a recipe for exciting and successful football. I fully expect the Eagles to win the East and they have the potential to make a deep push in January.

Giving up nearly 500 yards per contest in the pre-season is never a good sign, but even if they're terrible on D, they'll still take this division.

2) Washington Redskins: RGIII won't slide, and rarely goes out of bounds. It seems at times that he'll end up as a cautionary tale of what could have been. Alfred Morris looks like he's in line to have a good year and Jordan Reed could really be a stud, but that's about all this franchise has going for it.

I'd place them lower than the Cowboys and Giants but the 'Boys defense is a joke and Eli Manning is Eli Manning.

3) Dallas Cowboys: This offense is so, so, so good. Their defense and special teams are so, so, so not. With DeMarcus Ware in Denver and Sean Lee icing his perpetually bruised vagina, this defense could be even more historically bad than it was last year.

But I'm guessing it'll be at least a little better, because who can possibly suck that much two years in a row?

4) New York Giants: As long as Manning The Lesser is manning the QB spot for the Giants, they will continue to be mediocre. This year they will be bad. Eli is the Joe Flacco of the NFC. That is all.

NFC SOUTH

1) New Orleans Saints: NOLA will retake the south on the arm of Drew Brees and solid defense. With Darren Sproles now playing backup in Philly look for Pierre Thomas to catch even more than the absurd 77 passes he caught last year.

Mark Ingram, in a contract year, will try to finally make a name for himself as a bell cow back. His success will depend on two things. First, if the Sean Payton decides to actually run the ball, and second, if Mark Ingram decides to stop sucking.

Khiry Robinson should be a solid RB3/4 in fantasy leagues while the hype surrounding Brandin Cooks is pushing his draft price far too high for a rookie wide receiver.

2) Atlanta Falcons: The Dirty Birds could sneak back into the playoffs this year with a healthy Julio Jones and a revamped offensive line that should buy Matt Ryan a little more time than it did last year. It’s a good thing, too, because their defense will again suck the gooch.

I mean, they won’t be Dallas Cowboys bad, but they’ll be bad enough to guarantee the Falcons will be in a lot of shootouts. Good for fantasy owners, bad for Falcons fans.

Stephen Jackson is 31 years old and will probably be hurt and ineffective by October. Devonta Freeman currently has an ADP of 129 in most leagues, if you can grab him in the low 120’s or high teens, you should go ahead and pull the trigger. The kid is going to be a stud.

3) Carolina Panthers: Talk about regressing to the mean. After a strong run last year to the NFC’s #2 seed, this Panthers organization decided to let go of everyone on the roster that caught passes not named Greg Olsen.

Not that the wide receiver position was particularly deep in Carolina in the first place, now it is manned by ex-Wal-Mart greeters and an overrated first round rookie that doesn’t run routes well and likes to drop passes. But hey, at least he’s a run blocking beast.

The defense will again be solid, but I fully expect them to get worn down as the offense is about to take a huge step back from where it was last year. I don’t know how Jonathan Stewart is still in the NFL. And how the hell did the author of "Martyball and Me, a Love Story" get the nickname "Riverboat Ron"? Gambler my ass, this guy clenches up tighter than Jerry Sandusky in prison during the games biggest moments.

4) Tampa bay Buccaneers. I’m probably way wrong on this one. Tampa could easily finish second place in the division this year if everything clicks early for Lovie Smith’s squad. If they had anything other than wet paper bags at the interior guard positions I’d be more optimistic about the Bucs chances.

Doug Martin is in for a rough year between the tackles. Josh McCown is in for a good year and talk about lucky. He got to chuck the ball up to Marshall and Alshon and Martellus last year. This year he gets Vincent Jackson, Mike Evans and Austin Seferian-Jenkins.

Targets like that will make any mediocre, journeyman quarterback look like a pro-bowler in a jump ball offense. Hopefully those wet paper bags keep the pressure out of his face, because that’s where it’ll be coming from. Right up the middle.

NFC NORTH

1) Detroit Lions: Rejoice, Lions fans! Matthew Stafford finally has a legit #2 receiver with borderline #1 talent in Golden Tate. Tate should easily eclipse 1000 yards on the season and push for double digit touchdowns in an offense that will see him in a lot of single coverage against #2 corners.

With the boy named Suh in a contract year and looking to get PAID you can fully expect him to go off on opposing linemen and quarterbacks this year as the Lions shock the world with a division win.

Granted, this is dependent on Stafford not overthrowing his targets and getting them laid out and the Lions secondary is still god awful, but I’m still taking the lions to squeak out a division title here.

2) Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rodgers, as much as I hate his pedo/porn ‘stache is arguably the best quarterback in the game today; and with a young stud running back now in the fold you can expect a much more balanced offense out of the Packers this season.

The defense outside of Clay Matthews however is thoroughly unimpressive and the division winners schedule they have to face is what will allow the Lions to sneak by.

3) Minnesota Vikings: Teddy Bridgewater was an absolute steal with the 32nd pick of the draft, and is making a push to start in Norv Turner’s offense. This is a team that was competitive while having the absolute worst quarterback situation in the NFL the last couple years.

Yes, Adrian Peterson is another year older, but he’s a freak. And if Teddy can take the reins and orchestrate this offense you can expect a big year out of Cordarelle Patterson and up and coming Kyle Rudolph.

4) Chicago Bears: In a division where every team looks capable of being slightly above mediocre, the Bears are my candidate to regress. With an aging Matt Forte that’s seen a lot of touches the last three years and a defense that could be dubbed "the Muppets of the Midway" you just know the Bears will be in a lot of shootouts.

And with the Bears in shootouts that means a lot of picks for Smokin’ Jay Cutler and a lot of losses. This could get ugly for Chicago, like 5 or 6 wins ugly.

NFC WEST

1) Seattle Seahawks: The champs are in position to be the first team to repeat in a decade. The offseason defection of role players and contributors is overblown as Brandon Browner and Walter Thurmond were replaced by players who have already proven can not only take their place, but play better than their predecessors.

Byron Maxwell will be a household name after this season and will look to get paid in his contract year playing opposite Richard Sherman. And while there were rumblings of Running-Back-By-Committee that is unlikely to happen. Seattle paid Lynch some extra money up front to end his holdout and considering he’ll likely not be a Seahawk next year, they’re going to get their money’s worth.

Don’t get me wrong, Turbin and Michael will get their touches too, but that’s because they’ll be batting cleanup in a lot of blowouts this year.

Russell Wilson is poised to truly breakout this year after posting one of the best first two seasons ever for a quarterback. They’ll still be a run first team, but with the added speed on offense, Wilson will be able to stretch, bend and eventually break defenses all year long.

2) St. Louis Rams: The Rams are young, hungry and have the best defensive line in football. Seriously. Bradford was having the best year of his young career before he got hurt. This year, Jeff Fischer has revamped the offensive line and will look to pound the ball all day to set up play action. Zac Stacy is going to have a very big year for St. Louis.

The Rams have weaknesses at Receiver and in the defensive secondary but this team, if Bradford toughens up a little and can stay healthy is going to make some noise this year.

3) Arizona Cardinals: The Cardinals have had some tough losses this offseason, most recently, losing Darnell Dockett to a wicked case of hamburger knee. You always hate to see a any player go down like that but I won’t be shedding any tears for one of the dirtiest players in the game.

In other news, Michael Floyd is about to take over duties as the Cardinals #1 receiver and Andre Ellington is about to have a breakout year as the Cards Swiss-Army-Do-Everything running back and should be a steal with a 3rd round fantasy draft price tag. There’s a lot to like about these Cardinals, it’s just too bad they will once again play in the toughest division in football.

4) San Francisco 49ers: The 49ers in last place? Am I high? No, but believe me this is due to happen. The city an hour south of the city by the bay has been hit by probably the worst offseason of any franchise in the NFL.

Their star OLB Aldon Smith will miss at least 4 games this year but more likely 6-8. Chris Culliver is going to get the hammer dropped on him as well following his double hit and run incident and brandishing brass knuckles (a felony) at a good Samaritan. You won’t see Navorro Bowman until at least half way through the season and there’s no guarantee he’ll be the same when he does come back. Second year Safety Eric Reid is a walking concussion waiting to happen. Alex Boone is still holding out and even if he does come back if he’s not in game shape that’s a recipe for injury.

Kaepernick has a few new toys but still doesn’t work his way through his progressions, so that doesn’t really matter. And then there’s 31 year old Frank Gore, rookie Carlos Hyde and a bunch of other running backs on Injured Reserve. This is a team that could easily start 4-4 or worse, losing three division games in the process.

If the 49ers start flat, watch out, Harbaugh is just the kind of coach players tune out when they’re losing.

Awards

Offensive Rookie of the Year: Teddy Bridgewater

Defensive Rookie of the Year: Jadeveon Clowney

Offensive Player of the Year: Dez Bryant

Defensive Player of the Year: Ndamukong Suh

NFL MVP: Russell Wilson

Super Bowl 49

Seattle Seahawks: 41

New England Patriots: 13