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Dear Josh Brown: I Want a Pony for Christmas

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    Mrs. Brown, you've got a lovely son.
AP Photo/Kyle Ericson

 
I know we're all extremely happy right now about the improbable last-second win the Seahawks managed to scrape out against the Rams this afternoon, thanks to the 54-yard field goal Josh Brown hit in the final seconds for a final score of 30-28.

There is, however, a big downside to this otherwise incredible win:

In the closing minutes of the second open thread for this game, quite a few of us made promises to Brown in gratitude for his game-winning shot.

Specifically, two of us publicly vowed to carry Brown's future children.

This poses a logistical problem, since one of the people who promised to carry Brown's children is Jeff. The other is MFAN, and although we don't technically have concrete information on his or her gender, I'm assuming MFAN is also a male of the species.

Despite my personal appreciation of these gentlemen's generous spirit, the unfortunate reality of biological law is that, as of now, there is no proven medical procedure that allows men to carry a child to term. I also regret that I know of no research or experimentation currently underway to bring the potential of men bearing children to light.

   
Ball game! (Almost.)
AP Photo/Kyle Ericson

 
   
Alas, the possibility of a pregnant man is still restricted to fiction and wish projection, in movies such as Junior and Rabbit Test, and the spiteful comments of certain fringe feminist organizations.

Should medical advancement catch up to our fanciful projections, we hit yet another snag, in that these pregnancies would most likely have to be initiated through non-traditional means.

Given that Mr. Brown is not even an acquaintance to the users of this site, we are most likely facing the prospect of artificial insemination, across a rather long physical distance (considering the useful lifespan of sperm). The prospect of artificial insemination has already been raised here, and appears to be the preferred method of the proposers.

Therefore, if we intend to carry out our promises to Mr. Brown, we will need to monitor and ensure even distribution of his seed to all who have offered their wombs for his children. I am fairly sure these could be delivered in a temperature-controlled container, such as an ice chest. However, to guarantee freshness, we should probably arrange for Mr. Brown's seed to be sent to one location, rather than jeopardize its freshness by separating the samples to be sent to divergent locales.

The best solution would be to have the seed sent to the clinic or laboratory where this experiment is likely to take place, and to try and arrange for all donors to have their insemination procedures done as closely together as possible.

Considering the complications I have just outlined, I suggest in the future we temper the enthusiasm of our proposed favors to Josh Brown, as a safeguard against promising goods and/or services which may be outside the realm of possibility.

I, for example, have only offered Mr. Brown my firstborn's hand in marriage, which is entirely plausible. Although I do not advise Mr. Brown cashing this favor in for at least another 16 years, when she turns 18.

You know, upon further internal reflection, maybe it would be best just to send Josh a thank-you card. I think that would be sufficient. Man-law? Man-law.

   
    Deion Branch's first Seahawk TD.
(AP Photo/Bill Boyce)

 
With that formality out of the way, we hand game balls to:

Offense: Objectively speaking, it should go to Matt Hasselbeck, whose stats were actually pretty damn good at the end of the day. But we'll give it to Deion Branch, who had 6 catches and 2 touchdowns on the day.

Defense: Lofa Tatupu's interception was almost the key play of the game, but in terms of dominance and presence, it's going to Julian Peterson.

Special Teams: You're kidding, right?