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The Final Word on Qwest's Artificial Crowd Noise Issue

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...comes to us courtesy of The Onion (reprinted in full):

Seahawks Asked To Stop Piping Screams Of Terrified Women Into Qwest Field

SEATTLE?Following multiple complaints from teams who have had to endure both the much-touted, 100-decibel "12th Man" fan noise and the artificially amplified, 135-decibel shrieks of tortured women in pain while playing at Seattle's Qwest Field, the NFL has asked the Seahawks front office to refrain from piping in the sound effects during future home games.

"It is unfair not only to the visiting team and their fans, both of whom have a right to expect hospitality and consideration of the Seattle football club, but to the women who must endure such physically insulting treatment in order to make these disturbing recordings," the statement from the NFL's Competition Committee read in part. "Furthermore, if the screams of these women turn out not to be recordings, there may be the matter of fines to consider."

NFL officials and Seattle law-enforcement personnel have detained Qwest Field audio engineer Fred Miscera for questioning concerning the recent disappearance of several Seahawks cheerleaders.

Who cares about Sunday night? We made The Onion. Now we've arrived.