Fear has gripped the souls of football followers in the Pacific Northwest. A downward spiral is taking place. The symptoms are elusive, the results discouraging. There needs to be a dramatic, powerful turnaround quick, or the season and all its promise may go out the window.
Yes, Seahawk fans, we could only be talking about one thing: my piss-poor showing in the NFL picks over the last two weeks.
I was the Golden Boy for the first 7 weeks of the season. Indeed, my were picks of utmost brilliance. I was possessed with clairvoyant genius, and as such was offered a harem of my own in Bahrain.
Then I coughed up an ugly 10-19 phlegm ball over the last two weeks of predictions.
I'm due for a rebound, and although that never ever pans out the way the cliche's supposed to, I'm still gonna say it. Here are the picks for Week 9.
Atlanta at Detroit - Just in case you didn't get my remarks about last week's Falcons-Bengals matchup, this is what I said about Atlanta: "I'm again being lured by the promise of candy into the back seat of the Falcons' beat-up sedan, but I'm gonna resist."
The Falcons, however, pulled it out against Cincinnati. Now the Falcons get the Lions, I get annoyed with myself, and you get expensive tattoo removal bills.
Pick: Atlanta.
Cincinnati at Baltimre - You're telling me the Bengals stand a chance of being only at .500 after 8 games? Ocho crappo!
Pick: Baltimore.
Dallas at Washington - The Cowboys pulled off arguably the most impressive fourth-quarter comeback of the season last week against Carolina. Meanwhile the Redskins showed the nation how they refuse to lose. In other words, they had a bye week.
Pick: Dallas.
Green Bay at Buffalo - I would rather see this game take place on a ping-pong table with hunks of cheese going up against spicy chicken wings. That would be more of a statement game than the real matchup.
Pick: Green Bay, but I'm not real sure about it, mainly because I'm quite disinterested.
Houston at N.Y. Giants - The Texans finally complied with my demands last week and actually lost a game I picked them to lose. Not only that, but they even benched David Carr! Now that's what I call service! That's like the chocolate mint square on a fluffy hotel room pillow! Thank you, Houston. You're back on my Christmas card mailing list.
Having said that, I suspect for some reason that this game will be closer than it appears in your rear view mirror. Don't get me wrong, I'm still picking the Giants. I'm not crazy. I just have this feeling this isn't a game the Giants should overlook. That's all. Have a chocolate mint.
Pick: New York.
Kansas City at St. Louis - The Rams aren't very accomplished this season against the run. I think this will be exploited by the Chiefs' running back, whose name escapes me at the moment.
Pick: Kansas City.
Miami at Chicago - As KJR's Mitch in the Morning pointed out today, the 1985 Miami Dolphins ruined the Chicago Bears' perfect season by beating them in Week 13. The Fish were the only team to beat the Bears that year, including playoffs. Could this be an omen for this game????
Well, no.
Pick: Chicago.
New Orleans at Tampa Bay - I've been high on the Saints this year. And let me tell ya, it's awfully hard to fit all those Saints into one bong. Ba-BING!... Hello? Is this mic working? Hello?
I feel like the Cowboys are letting The Saints be America's team this year. But something feels funny about this game. It's a close one. Don't make it your Survivor pick. I just feel the Bucs being on the rebound right now, and handling it well. In these situations I pick the home team, so I don't get myself into the trap of analyzing any of it.
Pick: Tampa Bay, at far less than 100% confidence.
Tennessee at Jacksonville - The Jaguars' defense made some excellent points last week in their presentation against the Eagles. They were concise, direct, and very clear. They used Power Point brilliantly. And that diagram they put on the dry-erase board -- get outta here! Fine show, gents. Let's get some lunch.
Pick: Jacksonville.
Minnesota at San Francisco - After getting exposed last week against the Patriots, the Vikings suddenly look vulnerable, and head into San Francisco for a matchup against a tough, no-quarter 49ers team.
Nah, just kidding.
Pick: Minnesota.
Cleveland at San Diego - Merriman's suspension for failing the drug test is unfortunate. That's the bad news. The good news is that he could make serious money selling performance enhancers to teams who need 'em, like the Browns.
Pick: San Diego.
Denver at Pittsburgh - Could someone check up on what was the worst final W-L record for a team that won the Super Bowl the season before? I have a feeling it's about to get broken.
Pick: Denver.
Indianapolis at New England - Regular Season Game of the Century, Part II. I picked against the Colts last week and will do so now, but if they beat New England, forget it. That'll just about seal the deal.
Pick: New England, somewhat reluctantly.
Oakland at Seattle - The Raiders are on a 2-game winning streak. The Seahawks are on a 2-game losing streak. Which indicates that for Halloween, the Raiders and the Seahawks went trick-or-treating disguised as the other team. I think it's time to take off the costumes, boys. The candy's all gone. Well -- okay, Pork Chop, but these are the last Fun Size Snickers I got.
Pick: Seattle.
Last week: 6-8.
Season: 71-43.