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All the Coach's Men

As Coach Holmgren noted in his Wednesday press conference about Matt Hasselbeck's injured finger:

"Goodness gracious. I mean, I'd be the last one to be critical of these Watergate-type investigative reporters, because I think that was a very important time in our history. It was important that story came out. THIS, however, is not one of those situations..."
Of course it isn't.

But it could have been....

November 29, 2006 Press Conference -- Seahawks Headquarters, Kirkland WA.

Holmgren: yeah, dadgum it, we were able to exploit that, and it paid off. Next?

Carl Bernstein: Yeah, coach... Carl Bernstein with the Everett Herald. What can you tell me about Matt's hand?

Holmgren: Matt's hand? What are you talking about?

Bernstein: Well, there have been some allegations that Matt might have had some sort of... I don't know, what's the word I'm looking for?

Holmgren: Like a dislocated finger or something?

Bernstein: Well... no, that's not quite...

Holmgren: Wrist sprain? Is that what you're thinking of? A wrist sprain?

Bernstein: No... no, I...

Holmgren: A hairline crack between the middle and index fingers, accompanied by occasional soreness and pain upon strong impact?

Bernstein: Yes! Yes, that's exactly it!

Holmgren: I have no knowledge about that.

Bernstein: Oh... Well, you were just so specific about...

Holmgren: No idea what you're talking about. Next?

Bob Woodward: Hi, Coach... Bob Woodward, also from the Everett Herald like Carl, except I have a slightly larger office.

Holmgren: Hi, Bob.

Woodward: Following up on that last question... it just seems so strange that something like this gets out into the open, in the manner which it did, and you seem to be stonewalling a little....

Holmgren: Bob, you've been in this business as long as anyone in Everett. So you know, as well as anyone, that there are situations I just don't have any knowledge of...

Woodward: But wasn't Matt seeking treatment for his hand right after the game?

Holmgren: What gave you that idea? What's your evidence?

Woodward: I saw it.

Holmgren: Oh. Well... that's between Matt and his trainer. Why do you think I'd know anything about that?

Woodward: You were standing three feet away from them at the time.

Holmgren: Okay, see... Now you're just jumping to conclusions. That's strictly circumstantial... I didn't see any of it.

Woodward: You didn't see them trying to bandage up Matt's finger?

Holmgren: No. I'm telling you, I didn't see anything. Nothing at all.

Woodward: You didn't see the bandaging tape?

Holmgren: No! I didn't know anything about that tape!

Woodward: Coach, do you have tape rolls in your office?

Holmgren: What exactly are you inferring here? I don't know anything about that tape! Whatever tape you're talking about, I don't know the first thing about it!

Woodward: So let me get this straight... you don't know a single thing about them tending to Matt's hand after the game...

Holmgren: Why should I? I'm not the one who did it! I don't tape anything! I never taped anybody!

Woodward: How do you explain... this!

(Woodward displays an apparently unopened roll of bandaging tape, to audible gasps from the press corps)

Holmgren: Yeah... so, what's that? I bought some tape today. You never know. You know?

Woodward: Coach, I took this from your office just ten minutes ago. It's already been opened. This cellophane is wrapped around it to make it look new, but it's not.

Holmgren: Right. Right, I just... What's your point?

Woodward: Coach, there are exactly 18½ feet missing from this tape roll!

Holmgren: That's... that's not...

Woodward: How much tape was used to tape up Matt's hand?

Holmgren: You know, it's really not about... how much it....

Woodward: Coach, what did you know, and when did you know it?

Holmgren: All right. Listen. That's the end of the press conference. Go ahead and have a Congressional hearing or whatever. Get together your little federal investigation. I'm not gonna resign over this or anything like that. All that matters is that my staff fully supports me. They fully support this mission. They would never turn on me. So go and... write your little thing, whatever it is. I'm going home. I'm tired, I'm agitated, and on top of all that, I'm hungry. So I'm going to go home and get myself something to eat.

Bernstein: What are you going to eat when you get home, Coach?

Holmgren: Just some chips or something -- I am not a cook.