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If King Kaufman Ran the NFL

Piggybacking on the other King who speculated on what he'd do if he were NFL Commissioner for a day, Salon.com's King Kaufman does the same, only he'd rather not be a mere temp.

Some amusing highlights:

  • "Punting and placekicking: Get rid of it all. Except kickoffs, which are OK." In his linked explanation, he cites the infamous Seahawks-Giants contest from last year: "Football players played football for almost five quarters, but the game was won -- and lost -- by placekickers, men whose main job is staying awake on the sidelines all afternoon without reading magazines."
  • "The NFL's officiating problem is all anybody talked about during the last postseason, and when that happens, it's not just a problem, it's a Problem." Guess what game Kaufman uses as an example.
  • "The end zone: Everyone has to stop calling it 'the house.'"
  • "The No Fun League: Those days are going to be over. Guys can celebrate touchdowns however they want, within the bounds of common decency, sportsmanship as it's understood by the current generation of players..."
  • "Chris Berman: Lifetime ban. Enough with this guy already. He was great in his day but his act is so worn it looks like Keith Richards' face on a bad morning." Aw, c'mon man. These are the days of T.O. and poison pill clauses -- we gotta have a link to sentimentality somewhere, eh?
  • "Adopt CFL rules: I figured I'd throw this one in in case I get a honeymoon period. It's a better game." Interesting idea, that. Check out his explanatory link as to why Canadian rules football is a better game than the NFL. Get your snicker on.