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Eight Barely Audible Things About the New York Giants

By Shrug

Hey, keep it down there, Seahawk fans! Stop making that fake crowd noise! I'm talkin' here!

I'd like to tell you a few things about the New York Giants, so here we go:






Whoops! False start! Hey, Luke Petitgout, how was your flight? Great to see ya!

Now let's talk about the Giants:

   
    "The Jay Feely Story"
 
(1) This is the second year in a row the New York Giants have had to travel to Seattle to take on the Seahawks.

This is unlike me, but I can't remember what happened the last time the Giants came here. I've just blanked the whole game out of my memory, for some reason. No recollection at all. Hmm. Must have been a pretty uneventful contest.

In fact, now I remember: I slept through the second half, but I had this really bizarre dream. I dreamed I was Evel Knievel, and I had to make this jump over ten school buses. The first time, I came up short, and hit the very last bus. They let me try again, so I revved it up really hard, and got a really good leap off the ramp. But I missed the second time. Finally, everybody's really getting tired of me, but I ask to do it just one more time, and ... well, you don't wanna know.

Also, in this dream I was totally deaf.

(2) The Giants had an ay-may-zing comeback win last week against the Eagles. Future generations may look back upon than game as the one where Eli Manning finally earned one of his colonel stripes. It was a feel-good story all around.

The Chargers, incidentally, are 2-and-0. With a rookie quarterback who was only too glad to be there. (Whoops, sorry about that, Eli! I'm writing a story for the Prima Donna Press-Tribune as well, and I just mixed up my document screens! Ol' Butterfingers me, heh heh. Sorry about that.)

(3) Amani Toomer leads the NFL in receptions, and has two TDs on the season. He is off to a fantastic start, and he was basically responsible for the Seattle Food Handlers' Week 2 fantasy victory.

Toomer is also 63 years old and remembers when the Hustle was a forbidden dance of desire.

(4) I like the Giants, actually. I didn't think they stood a chance to win their division this year, but they're really proving me wrong. They've stuck out all their shortcomings, and when bad fortune has befallen them, they suck it up and try to work things out, never placing the blame on anybody else for what's going on.

Isn't that right, Jeremy Shockey, in an interview with Newsday?

"Shockey... confirmed Thursday that he took himself out of the overtime Sunday against the Eagles because he couldn't maneuver on his bad ankle. The origin of the latest injury in a five-season career dotted with them nags him as much as the problem itself: 'You get hurt in a preseason game against the Patriots,' he said with obvious irritation. 'Seventy-five percent of guys don't play in the last preseason game. But Bill Belichick decided to play his starters, so we ended up playing our starters the first couple of drives. It was an unfortunate accident.' Asked if he thought he should have been playing at all at Giants Stadium on Aug. 31, Shockey snapped, 'No comment.'"

Um... uh... isn't that right, Jay Feely?

Strahan?

Gifford?

(5) The Giants' secondary gave up 300 yards per game in their first two meetings this year. Their pass defense is ranked next-to-last in the league. And they have no game films of Deion Branch as a Seahawk to study. Meaning Hasselbeck's performance against the Cardinals last week - which wasn't really his fault - could very well get the Bobby Ewing in the shower treatment.

(6) As poor as the secondary has been, however, the Giants' line and linebackers still seem formidable. I'm not totally optimistic about Shaun having a huge breakout game, even with the theoretically improved left o-line situation. You're gonna see some Blue Angels action, is what I'm sayin'.

(7) This is a simulation of ESPN's page for NY running back Tiki Barber. Note the line of text I have made obnoxiously bigger and italicized.

#21 Tiki Barber | RB
Full Name: Atiim Kiambu Barber
Born: April 7, 1975, Roanoke, VA
Height: 5-10
Weight: 205 lbs.
Pronounced: TEE-kee

Before you ask: BAR-ber.

I found this hilarious because the ESPN page for T.J. Houshmandzadeh does not include instructions on how to pronounce his last name. Or, for that matter, his first.

(8) I'd embed this next video item, since we all seem to be into doing that these days, but I couldn't find it at YouTube. But I was able to find it on "My Party Post," whatever that is.

I speak of an SNL skit from last year: Dane Cook in "The Jay Feely Story." Good times.

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