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Scouts Rave about Mark Sanchez's Feet

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In an unprecedented move, team scouts requested USC quarterback Mark Sanchez complete drills with his shoes off. "We just had to see them!" enthused Texans' scout Archie Pod. "They're a work of art."

Baseball scouts look for the "good face". Basketball scouts love a nice "bubble". Football scouts know their feet, and no matter the position, footwork matters. Pod says it's chapter one in the official, unpublished scouting manual. "You definitely want a guy that can move his feet." Adding "I won't say it's a must, but you don't see too many pros that aren't ambulatory."

Sanchez isn't just walking, he's strutting. Attending scouts traded hushed silence with oohs and coos. And Sanchez embraced it. "I'm just trying to make a name for myself, mister, and if that means letting some pervert fondle my toes, I've fifty million reasons to let him." Fondle they did. Scouts measured his arch, the radial symmetry of his ball, the chubbiness and uniformity of his toes, even the smell. One scout asked Sanchez to put on an unused pair of penny loafers, "and then he said, take them off - slowly." Sanchez did.

Not every attendee was so enamored. "It's a pedestrian foot. Naïve." Quentin Tarantino continued "It's definitely a bit craggy, an athlete's foot - probably smelly."

"Not at all!" gasped Jaguars scout Morton Neuroma. "We brought in an outside expert from Germany. He insured us that Mr. Sanchez's feet registered less than one odor unit on his olfactometer." Through a translator, Olfactory Expert Verrückt Wettlauf mused enigmatically "For them I'd be crushed like Goethe's Violet."

Events ended with Sanchez lacing up his shoes to an audible groan from onlookers. Scouts compared notes and Sanchez walked off towards USC's locker room. The sun shimmered in the Los Angeles smog, slumped shoulders and clipboards split towards separate exits, and the sense something special just happened hung in the air, if only for a second. Neuroma reflected "not a speck of fungus on those beauties. Not an atom."